Can you be friends with someone who you profoundly disagree with on nearly everything?

[fiskette]

I have an old friend from primary school (we are early 50s now). I love her. I feel like she is family. But as we have grown up and older we have started to diverge on absolutely everything -

• vaccines
• holistic medicine v traditional
• using astrology for major life decisions
• climate change and personal responsibility
• mobile phones for kids
• sugar
• eating meat
• flying
• private schooling

Just a few things would be no big deal but it's everything - really everything

Neither of us is confrontational by nature. But after we meet I stew about her views and opinions.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Her DS was hospitalised recently and I instinctively raced to her side and I know she would do the same for me. But we have hardly a single shared value or view.

DH says that if we were sporty we would share areas of common ground - but there's nothing.

I think as long as it's not something you find unforgivable or morally bankrupt (like being a homophobe or racist, or hurting their family/cheating on their spouse etc) it's fine to be friends with people who don't agree with you, I'd say it's in fact good for most people. The echo chamber effect is real and it's good to have balance and hear others views. If your opinions are so fragile you feel you need her validation and agreement then maybe you need to work on yourself and figure out why you feel the need to seek other peoples approval and alignment with your own beliefs.

That said, if she bangs on about it all the time and is an insufferable bore, or says it to be deliberately inflammatory and upset you, then of course just spend less time in her company!

You have years of memories as a friend and sometimes totally opposite viewpoints can help you think about why you take the stance you do.

But the stewing about her opinions, I mean that is all they are. In large respect.

I don't eat meat but married a meat eater and cook for the family meat. Would I prefer I didn't? Yes but I would rather have a meat eater whom races to my side than a veggie when it would be too much trouble.

So many interactions nowadays, because people get bigged up on X and such like, many think it's black or white when actually the interesting parts of life are usually very grey.

I couldn't marry/live with someone who was total opposite. But friends, yeah no problem.

I think it depends on who is the anti- vaxxer?

though agree with pp that I think it’s healthy to be around people with different opinions.

How can you disagree about sugar? Surely 1,2,4&5 there can be middle ground. And flying and private school... That's up to her isn't it? As for astrology... I'd find that quite funny.

I have a good friend where we have fundamentally the same values, but do disagree on various things - sugar being one.
But we are also quiet happy to roll with the hosts attitude. So, they visit, and we all eat full sugar, minimal sweetener food.
We visit her, and we eat reduced/no sugar food.

Both of us are also capable of seeing the other viewpoint, and accept our way isnt the only way.

Er....unlikely

I have some pretty major points of disagreement with my closest friend. However, our fundamental values are very similar, so we can park the areas of difference.

As soon as basic values start to significantly diverge, I think it becomes much harder to maintain any meaningful friendship.

So sugar is hardly a never trump v maga all the way scenario. Just a health choice.

Are you saying nothing but then going home to stew or are you calling her out on her ridiculous (in your view) positions?

You must have have some things you connect on?
I have friends where we disagreed on many things and some views have changed, some things we've met in the middle, others we've agreed to disagree on and not discuss it. It can work

Surely it depends on which values are at odds and how much they mean to you? I have no problem being friends with vegans or people who believe in alien abduction, as long as we can have good-humoured disagreement and be respectful. I would struggle with someone who held opinions I find actively abhorrent and harmful to others; so I don't befriend Tories, religious fundamentalists or fox hunters.

It would depend on whether they were always banging on about their views.

I would draw back from someone who couldn't read the room.

Depends. I have friends who haven’t had the covid vaccine because of the risk their doctors have said it would pose to them. (Legit specific medical issues.) They never preach or berate me for my choices. It’s normally not mentioned at all.
If they ranted about these issues and tried to covert you that’s different.

It could be stressful if she is insistent on her views or you end up debating them, but this is fine for me, some of my friends have very diverse views the opposite of mine, but we all care about our children, like to meet up and chat. There are a couple of topics I steer clear of, otherwise these wouldn't be an issue for me like racism would, for example. I even have friends who voted for the Conservatives!

I agree, it really does depend. I managed to stay friends with someone who had polar opposite political views. Felt less comfortable with different Brexit views, as she was so vocal, but just made sure we steered clear of those subjects. But when she objected to having children with disablilties in her DD's mainstream class (with one on one care), and complained that the school meals provision would cater for religious requirements, but not her DD's preferences, I cut contact. She wasn't very happy with my more inclusive views either so works both ways.

I have very good friends who I hold totally opposing views to..e.g raging tories, or don't get the trans issues. I avoid discussing these things if at all possible. There are plenty of other things to talk about. They are not bad or immoral people or kitten murders or anything.

Me too. Raging Tory Police officer no less! But, and this is the biggest thing, I do believe he is a person with the courage of his convictions, internally moral (even if they aren't the same as mine) and a loyal friend.

I think it's incredibly important to nurture relationships outside your bubble. Otherwise you're sort of ignorant.

I have friends who vote Tory and friends who vote labour. We're all quite central in our views and just sway one way or the other. None of us are extreme anything so it works. Even with brexit, people had their own reasons which way they voted and it wasn't to do with racism as we're a mixed bunch.
The world is worse when we stop talking and discussing and detach from those whe have different views.

Look at what you have in common, not what you disagree on.

Then, if you have no or negligible common areas, I cannot see how you can build or even maintain a friendship.

Of course you can, one of my best friends is a meat eating, libertarian who's also a bit of a whacky conspiracy theorist while I'm a left wing veggie who is pretty sceptical of conspiracy theories. However neither of us take ourselves to seriously and we have a great laugh and its good for us to have friends who hold different views.

I think this is something nobody can answer for you in any specific sense, or even for themselves, because it would differ (for me) from person to person. I have friends I disagree on all sorts with but love to bits (ultimately we agree on the absolutes, care about each other's families, well-being etc), and some old friends who share many of the same views as me but we've grown apart for other reasons - I've cut ties with someone because I realised I dreaded seeing them and realised that they were using me as a template for how to think, behave, etc and then setting themselves up in competition with me. Very weird - but by design our views were lined up! Would you want the person at your hospital bedside, is the most direct question you can probably ask yourself. If yes or no, what are the reasons? I guess if one of the differences became personal it would matter (eg vaccine refusal or other health related behaviour Vs a vulnerable family member, a real life risk, might be hard to stomach). Those things are one-at-a-time issues though. I'm sure there are philosophers who've massively disagreed with one another and battled for years but who are friends, maybe as a result.