Is It Time To Call It a Day

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

This might be a long one. Please bear with me though.

DH and I have been together 19 years and married 16. 3 kids (grown up DS - mine - and 2 teens together). When we first got together it was genuinely amazing and that lasted for a long, long time. There was nothing I didn’t think we could overcome, even after a lot of years. We were genuinely brilliant. Laughed a lot together, had each other’s back, supportive etc etc. Then I got ill.

My illness has gradually got worse over the years and it has meant my world has inevitably become smaller and I’m able to do less, including fun stuff. I had to give up work, but in doing so I took over all of the house stuff, which on the surface might seem like nothing but I genuinely do a lot. He empties the dishwasher on a morning and remakes the bedding every other week. I’ve struggled over the years with feeling worthless because of having to give up work which is why I’ve ended up in this situation because I feel like I must do something to prove myself.

You might think it’s only fair that I’m doing all the drudgery because I don’t work but it’s mindnumbingly boring, not to mention it wipes me out. This means I haven’t much energy left over to try and forge any kind of life for myself outside of the home. I’ve tried to discuss it with him so many times over recent years but it always ends up in an argument because he reckons he can’t do any more and that weekends are for chilling and enjoying himself. He goes to see his mum every Saturday until early afternoon then will often go out hiking or on his bike. He sort of just pleases himself. I never really get to chill properly because I always have something to do. I rest in between doing tasks but that’s only so I can get the energy to do the next thing. And I don’t get to do anything fun because of this. He’s been off work this week lazing around while I have done so much stuff. This lunchtime is the first time I’m on top of the laundry and everything else. It will still be me cooking this evening. I have no qualms about him having hobbies but it seems like I sacrifice more for him than he does for me. We also hardly have any quality time together.

For the sake of fairness, we do have a cleaner once a fortnight but that doesn’t mean things don’t need doing in between cleans and obviously there’s stuff she doesn’t do. I could list stuff I do but I hope you’ll take my word for it.

I genuinely don’t know how to move forward. It makes me feel so sad that we’ve come to this and that potentially the only way to make a difference is to split up because then I won’t have to look after him anymore. I’ve tried so many times to change things but he won’t (and we argue) and I feel like I’m going round in circles. The thought of splitting up scares me because I don’t want to think it’s the only way, but I also don’t work and would have to leave my home etc.

Please help me work things out. Thank you.

I'd get more help in.. l know exactly how you feel and there is only me and the cat.. I have a chronic illness.. disabled too and l try to do bits but it's painful and exhausting.. my daughter comes and helps.. but l have a cleaner that also puts washing in and into tumbler.. unloads it and folds it.
Changes my bedding twice a week. Sorts dishwasher.. Will help chopping veg for slow cooker etc.
I get supermarkets delivery n she helps put it away..
Honestly she's like a carer.. except my daughter does my personal stuff.

I would take him at his word that weekends are for chilling and enjoying yourself. I also have a chronic illness.

Do what you can manage during the week, whilst pacing yourself and not overdoing it. Anything that isn't done by Friday tea time isn't getting done before Monday. Try cooking double amounts during the week, at least a couple of times, to freeze stuff to eat at the weekend - or simply make yourself egg on toast/order a takeaway.

Don't do ANY housework at a weekend.

It sounds like YABU on the face of it.
But without knowing just how his job is, or what his working hours are, then it’s impossible to say for certain.
You have a cleaner, he does the dishwasher and the bedding.
Also, without knowing your illness or personal circumstances, it’s again difficult to say for certain.
You don’t work and you have 5 days to do all the other things - could you / do you have online food shopping and delivery for instance?

His job is a mentally intensive one but he also probably does more than he needs there too.

He puts the bedding on one bed once a fortnight - I take it off. And yes, I don’t work and have the 5 days to do all the other things..time wise it’s not an issue at all. That’s not in dispute. But doing all of things has a significant effect on my physical health. Like I said, doing the stuff I do means I’m too unwell to have any other sort of life. If I continue to do what I’m doing now, I’ll likely end up more unwell.

Also, as I said, the cleaner comes once a fortnight for just under two hours and does basic surface stuff. She also changes the bedding for me in all of the rooms for me so this takes a chunk of the time.

But, going back to my second paragraph, the bottom line is, regardless of whether the load is technically split equally, my load is too much for me.

Er, you do have a full time job? Taking care of the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning??

When do you get a break??

And yes, I don’t work and have the 5 days to do all the other things.

^
You work! You take care of the house

Thank you. I try and do that at times but there’s usually at least a load of laundry - mostly uniform for DS but quite often another load as well.

And sometimes it’s difficult to get all the other stuff done in the week, depending on how I’m feeling. Some days I can literally do nothing, which I’m sure you’ll understand! So then it’s catch up to stop it building up. Maybe I need to lower my standards.

Thank you. Sorry you’re suffering too. But also pleased you have your daughter..she sounds amazing! ❤️

How old is your son? Can he help at all? My mum suffered from ill health and we learnt to do loads for ourselves and in effect for her from a young age.

She was in a lot of pain and tired very fast. She would be in bed some of every day. It was just our normal and rather than feel we did it for her, we felt it was make a meal for us and at the same time cook for everyone else, same with the laundry, cleaning up etc.

Can you go with him to see his Mum or agree to pop out for a coffee or go for a drive so that you are doing something together at weekends? You then expend your energy on that rather than house stuff.

Thank you. Sometimes it’s good to hear that.

My eldest is 28 and has his own home. The other two, I daresay could do more but I don’t know how to start delegating. And my middle DC is not far away from starting her A levels exams and she works part time in a different town so I don’t want to put too much on her.

Going for a drive is a good idea and I could go to his mum’s but I often stay at home because there’s often a house full there which is overwhelming for me and makes me worse. I tend to see his mum on her own now and then.

Does he cook at all? Just because he works doesnt mean he should leave everything to you. You need a break from your job of looking after the house too.

Can you increase the hours of your cleaner?
Are there any hobbies you can do to have time for you?

@HÆLTHEPAIN I'm in a similar situation health wise. I also had to stop work. My DH does a very manual job with long hours, in a job he actually hates, but needs must. We have certainly had our problems due to my poor health which is both physical and mental.

However, if I've had a bad day, he will still cook dinner or get a takeaway. Or our eldest DC will cook. Housework tbh does get left, I don't have the energy, and it's not a great way to live. But our youngest son cleans the kitchen and does the dishwasher every day without fail. There are days I can't get out of bed at all, and I feel really bad about that, but fortunately DH doesn't bat an eyelid.

He used to do his hobby every weekend but has now stopped as it was eating into the weekend too much. He came to his own conclusion about that, thankfully.

Your DH definitely needs to step up and include you in the weekend plans so you also have some fun time, preferably together. I really couldn't continue my marriage in your circumstances.

You deserve a break and a rest at the weekend too x

How about teaching your DC to do their own bedding and laundry? Teens need to learn how to adult.

If you were single you'd still have all this responsibility in the home though so your frustration with him would just transfer to bitterness and frustration inwardly because of your illness. If this is the only issue then you need to up the cleaner days and give your relationship a chance

Thank you. I know I would have to do it all still but there would be much less and I think it wouldn’t seem as bad if he wasn’t sat there doing nothing regularly when I was busting a gut to get ‘my jobs’ done.

This is pretty much the only thing that gets in our way, though I do feel it’s significant from my perspective. That and the fact that whenever we try to talk about anything, it ends up in argument. That said, I do want to give things a chance so I will have to find a way.

Thanks for your input everyone.