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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wits end with workaholic boyfriend

12 replies

Ellbella · 22/02/2024 17:35

I believe my boyfriend is a workaholic and it’s destroying our family. We have an 18 month old child and I’m a sahm. He’s always been a hard worker and I understand it must be a lot of pressure however it is becoming unbearable. He’s up for work between 3am and home between 8-9pm some nights even later. As you can imagine by the time he’s home he is exhausted and doesn’t want to do very much other than sit on the sofa eat dinner and go to sleep. This is now going into the weekends and it’s dull. I’m the first to support his work and believe in him very much so but I feel disconnected and sad and believe there is more to life and a relationship than this. I’ve had conversations till I’m blue in the face at how our relationship is affected. He has no sex drive, isn’t interested in me very much! He just says he puts effort in elsewhere and we value different things. He also promises he’ll put the effort in and then nothing continues to change. I think this is a cop out to be honest and upsets me to the point I’m in a state. This conversation is happening weekly if not more and we just go round in circles because he says we’ve spoken about this already and he doesn’t know what I want him to say. He said the sex drive/ effort I need is an insecurity on my part which I just don’t realise. Which I believe isn’t true. I’m confident in who I am, I go to the gym I eat healthy I go out with friends my life is perfect apart from this! I know this isn’t a me problem as he’s also sacrificing him seeing his son. I find it so incredibly sad as I love him dearly but I’m stuck in a rut where we have the same conversation and no resolution. We’re not seeing eye to eye and I know it’s time to do something about it, but I’m just not sure what:(

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 22/02/2024 17:37

Leave for a week and see if he notices????

don’t tell him you are going, just go and stay with your mum or sister or best friend, and see if he notices anything different. He needs to really know what he stands to lose

Watchkeys · 22/02/2024 17:41

He just says he puts effort in elsewhere and we value different things

So, he's got it his way, and is not willing to discuss a compromise. Essentially, he does what he wants, and you're meant to be grateful.

He said the sex drive/ effort I need is an insecurity on my part which I just don’t realise

The oracle has spoken (?)

This isn't a relationship.

Undisclosedlocation · 22/02/2024 17:43

Sorry OP, you sound like a maid not a partner

Foxblue · 22/02/2024 17:48

Oh how awful for you, with a little one. So sad that he doesn't want to spend time with your child either??
Was he always like this or have things escalated - is he self employed?

MILTOBE · 22/02/2024 18:00

He's basically living in a serviced hotel, isn't he?

What kind of job does he do with those hours? Does he earn a lot to warrant working so long?

TwilightSkies · 22/02/2024 18:02

He sounds like a roommate that you barely see.

BluntSeal · 22/02/2024 18:13

Sounds like hes working hard to keep roof over your heads, food on the table
Get a grip of yourself and be grateful, atleast hes not upto his balls in some bit of fluff !

Aroundthewaygirl · 22/02/2024 18:31

I would be ok with this Mon - Thurs/Friday as I'm usually just want to watch tv/read and am in bed by 9:30 anyway. but I would want family time on the weekends. there have been times when I would work long hours including the weekend, and I realized i was trying to "escape" something, be it the people at home, boredom, or whatever. So it sounds like he's checking out of family life to me.

MILTOBE · 22/02/2024 18:57

You're in a financially vulnerable position because you've given up work to look after your child, whereas he's kept his job and is presumably doing well with it.

Do you think he'd pay for childcare so that you could work, in the future?

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2024 19:40

BluntSeal · 22/02/2024 18:13

Sounds like hes working hard to keep roof over your heads, food on the table
Get a grip of yourself and be grateful, atleast hes not upto his balls in some bit of fluff !

Ah the OPs boyfriend has arrived 😜

Seriously though, you're not married or earning, what are your options do you think? You'll only feel better if you can take back some power here, sounds like he has it all atm.

BluntSeal · 22/02/2024 19:45

Summerhillsquare · 22/02/2024 19:40

Ah the OPs boyfriend has arrived 😜

Seriously though, you're not married or earning, what are your options do you think? You'll only feel better if you can take back some power here, sounds like he has it all atm.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not the OP's BF, im very much single, and have been for three years

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/02/2024 20:13

Is he really at work all that time?

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