A question regarding a narcissist ex.

[beatrix1234]

Hello ladies,

I briefly dated a guy who turned out to be a text book narcissist (in capital letters), it got toxic quite fast so I decided to end it (it was not working for both so I believe the decision was quite mutual). I tried to keep him in my life (with boundaries) as a "friend" as I naively thought that just because our relationship hadn't work on a romantic level maybe we could remain "friends". It's been a year now and even as "friends" is still very toxic. He keeps gaslighting me, throwing me crumbs to see if I'm still "game" (I'm not), makes an appointment to grab a drink in the pub then cancels last minute or disappears, calls me drunk saying he "misses me" then gives a month of silent treatment. My patience has a limit so I've decided to remove this energy vampire from my life. He's a bit of a head case and the ex before had to file a restraining order on him so truth is I'm a bit scared of this dude (he's an angry man). The guy has some dirt on me as I told him some secrets/sensitive information while we were dating that if used against me could REALLY hurt me professionally. So far he hasn't but I'm afraid if he does.

I'm planning to block this guy on wassap, social media and all. I want him out of my life but I'm fearing the consequences of him taking revenge and outing said sensitive information. Nonetheless I'm going to block him for my MH. My question to you ladies is: should I just a) block-block-block with no explanation or should I b) give him a very polite explanation on why I'm done removing him from my life then block?

I'm trying to find which option angers the narc the least so I can swiftly make him disappear without him taking "revenge".

Thanks all.

This is a tricky one. I’m sure many people will say block, block, block. But I was married to an angry narcissist for many many years, so I understand the fear.

Im currently divorcing mine and nearly every interaction with mine is ‘I hope this doesn’t piss him off”. There’s a lot of things he can still make difficult for me, so much as I’d like to tell him what I really think of him, I don’t.

Im lucky that mine now has a new girlfriend for his ego supply. A narcissist doesn’t like being discarded, although they’re happy to do the discarding.

Can you hang on until he’s loved up?

The other thing a narcissist doesn’t like is letting on what a shit rag they really are. My ex doesn’t seem to want to spread bad stuff about me, except how he feels sorry for me and my poor mental health. He instinctively understands that to keep his lovely reputation intact, he will seem less lovely to others if he bad mouths me.

Is there any chance your narcissistic won’t spread this private information if it will be seen by others as a revenge tactic?

I think on reflection I wouldn’t actively block, just simply stop replying or use very minimal replies, yes, no, Thankyou, busy, busy again and grey rock, grey rock.

I suggest this because blocking is an active thing on your part and they often react explosively and rage at things like this. He may then do or say something which he realises later reflects badly on him. He won’t care the effect it has on you.

in my case my solicitor has received emails, obviously sent in anger from my soon to be ex, only to be followed minutes later by a more measured response and asking for the earlier email to be ignored.

If you don’t block, you will be able to see what he’s doing and can do damage limitation if he decides to go nuclear over being discarded. Eventually you will get to a place when you will feel comfortable about blocking.

Others might read this post and think I’m seriously overthinking this and you should just do what you want.

But this is what a narcissist does to you. They turn your brain inside out and move into your head on a permanent basis.

Bore him! Grey rock is a great approach as said above. Be as boring/uninterested as possible. If he calls you drunk, just "hmmm" "really?" "I have to go now I have to be up early, have a lovely evening" Lots of yawning. Lots of "Just work stuff" if he asks what you've been doing/what you're going to be doing" Make him lose interest. If he gets no response or hardly any response then he hopefully should focus his energy elsewhere

Hi and thanks for the response. Luckily my narc ex found supply right away and he’s now “loved up” with a new girlfriend, problem is that relationship turned toxic very quick and they seem to have ongoing drama. She (like him) seems to be a drama Lama too so they have some sort of massive roller coaster going on and When he’s feeling really down he contacts me saying he’s really depressed and needs a shoulder to cry on. I’m apparently his “second supply”. I really can’t stand this guy. I want this energy vampire out of my life and I’m trying to figure out the best way to cut him off my life without him retaliating. I’ve tried to grey rock him but he keeps pulling me into his disfunctional life. I’m at my wits end. I really need to block block.

Also trying to break away from a narc.

@Iamnotawinp
I found your reply really interesting and well reasoned and definitely not overthinking!

It's made me rethink my strategy

should I b) give him a very polite explanation

No. He will not accept your side of it. Anything that might be the minutest criticism of him will be fuel to his fire. Any interaction you might need to have with him needs to be grey rock from now on, tell him nothing, show no emotion, but be polite enough not to rile him. PP is right, you need to be boring to him.

If you so much as allude to this thing that he knows about you it might be reminding him of it but, more importantly, the more he'll know you're bothered. This is the trouble with these fuckers, they charm and 'support' you at the beginning so you trust them and share your innermost thoughts. They only do that so they can use it against you later, as you know.

Is there anything you can do about the thing he knows, to pre-empt him potentially using it?

There's nothing you can say that will get you out easy. So if you can't afford to grey rock him till he gets bored with you then just block him on everything.

Maybe warn your work. Tell then you've had issues with a stalker and just to be aware.

Just slowly back away and phase out / grey rock him. I think blocking everywhere will just rile him up.

That said I do want to address something:

The guy has some dirt on me as I told him some secrets/sensitive information while we were dating that if used against me could REALLY hurt me professionally. So far he hasn't but I'm afraid if he does.

Honestly? So what. He can threaten all he wants but a) unless he has actual proof of something beyond your word he can't do anything with it (and even then you can call his bluff and say you only told him that to appear 'cool' and it's not even real - even if it is) and b) blackmail and threats and harassment are a crime and that's what the police are for.

Block him if you want, but as you say you are worried about retaliation.

you need to learn not to answer the phone so as to not be drawn into being his second supply. Just don’t have phone conversations. Turn your phone off for periods of time.

I know this is easier to say than to do. I still find myself opening the door when my ex turns up on my doorstep. I don’t want to talk to him or even see him. But I am intimidated by him and I worry that not answering the door will cause the famous narcissistic rage. I still have difficulty not answering the phone if he calls, but I can now ignore a lot of the texts.

@HippyCritical Is there anything you can do about the thing he knows, to pre-empt him potentially using it?

….
I was advised by a police officer friend of mine to sent him a wassap message in the lines of: “I want no further engagement, I do not wished to be contacted again”, that way if he gets back to me I can go to the police and file for harassment (they won’t fill the charges unless you’ve previously asked him not to contact you again), that way if he tries to engage with my job by spreading the “bad stuff” that would be legally considered “harassment” and he would be breaking the law. He does have harassment charges from previous ex so the police have a “history” with this guy. The last thing he wants is another woman pressing harassment charges as he’s afraid of being “taken down” this time.

That or I just grey rock him to death. I dunno what to do in order to get rid of this individual. I’ve never been in this situation before.

Well! I didn't expect this amount of response to be honest, just goes to show how many Narcs there are out there, 1 in 5 apparently! You've been given good advice and I would have said exactly the same. Deal with him in an intelligent way, what you do have on your side is that you are no longer emotionally involved with him, thumbs up! I wouldn't go full on blocking, this shows emotion in his eyes and the heads up to try and make a move back to you. As has been said, be the most boring person in the World, when he contacts you with all that fake emotion, go along with it, 'ah what a shame, blah blah blah' and then make an excuse to end the conversation. He's involved with someone else now and when it ends, and it will, he will find another supply and you'll then be second on the list and so it will go on until he won't even remember your name. Narcs are the nastiest people in the World, bloody evil, box clever, don't make him your enemy and worse don't draw attention to yourself in his eyes. It is said, the most dangerous part of ending a Narcissistic relationship is leaving. If you block him he could go all out Narc and reveal whatever secret you told him because you have to remember, they don't have hearts and by blocking you are telling him to do one, they don't like that at all, they need to be the ones to end it. Play along, it won't last long, he's in the throws of having a great time emotionally, they love the drama, become the mouse and eventually you'll be invisible. Don't get entangled in emotional conversations, because he will try. I know you just want him out of your life and this is the way to do it.

Great response from @Iamnotawinp

I do think just ignoring him would be the best option here - grey rock him. But with you're update it does sound like you have tried that and now you really want to block him. As you probably know you will never win with a narcissist so I think you are better off just doing it quietly with no announcement. With a bit of luck it will take him a while to realise he's even blocked.

If the information he really has on you is really that potentially damaging it might be worth chatting to either HR or your manager in advance to pre-empt any trouble and have your side heard first? Although if you say he's been in trouble for harassment in the past he is probably unlikely to want the attention of causing this kind of trouble.

Good Luck - removing yourself from this kind of human is harder than people think.

To fee dinto his ego - could you tell some fibs and send a message along the lines of;

I am so happy you have found DramaLama but it is just too painful to watch you be in a relationship knowing how amazing you are, to stop the daily pain of not being with you i am so sorry but i think i need to block you for now until i have healed. I hope you understand

Hopefully a happy, stroked ego will help him to not be a knob afterwards

Oh wow 🤩 I think that’s a great strategy! Thanks for the tip. 👏👏👏

genius.

Or 'I don't really feel it appropriate we remain friends now that you have a girlfriend. I wouldn't like it I were her so I'm going to respectfully, end contact. All the best with everything, cheerio'

That’s a good one too! It doesn’t feed his ego so much as the above response but also good 👍 thanks for the tip.

I gotta love MN ❤️