Ran out of things to say

[Mumma93]

My partner and I have been together 12 years, have 3 children together. We both love each other deeply. My partner can be very socially awkward and highly anxious especially about what people think of him. My problem is that we rarely spend time away with each other without the children and recently I’ve noticed when we have had a date night that we don’t really have a lot of conversation. We recently went out for dinner and it felt a bit awkward to be honest. There was very little to no conversation. I think this is mainly because when we are out my partner is so awkward around other people he just doesn’t like to talk but since then I’ve realised when we’re on our own, or in the car etc we actually don’t talk a lot then either. It never feels awkward when we’re at home or that we don’t have much to say, maybe because we’re so busy with the children. But it’s got me worrying that this isn’t normal. Have we just ran out of things to say to each other? Does anyone else feel this way about their longer term relationships? Or have any tips etc? Thanks 😊

No I don’t have this and at the same time will feel comfortable sitting in a car quietly with my DH for a short while.

Could you try doing an activity together instead of going out for a meal, something like bowling perhaps? Then you’re having fun and will have something to talk about on the way home.

Do you talk about films you’ve watched together, holidays you’ve been on, future plans, funny things that happened during your day or to other people?

Do you have any common interests or views, my DH could do half an hour a day talking about Harry and Meghan for example?

I think this is really common but most people don't consider it a problem. When my husband and I go out to dinner we often sit in companionable silence and that's fine. We try to do activities on dates. - for example escape rooms, visiting museums etc. We have a real laugh often. We are trying to do new things together now! We've been together 15years. Why don't you try doing some dates to places you would never normally consider? It gives you something to talk about. Life can become stale with children and the daily grind.

Thank you both that’s some really helpful ideas. We do talk about random daily chit chat but it’s never really deep conversations we have which I think might be part of the problem since it’s never really that interesting, the things we do discuss. Neither of us are very chatty people so might just be a personality thing for us both. Will try the activities on date nights instead of just boring dinner, hopefully that’ll help. Thank you.

I think you have correctly identified that there's a communication issue. It's very easy to default to just practical communication when you have young children. But I think it's very important, for adult relationships, to have deeper communication at times, and really talk. You might otherwise drift apart, with him doing his stuff and you doing yours, without any couple connection.

I have noticed couples sitting in silence over dinner and they're not usually smiling, looking around and enjoying the atmosphere, they most often appear tense or bored. So you're not alone but I don't think it's a good sign no.

I wonder if you have enough going on in your own lives to offer the other... separate or joint hobbies to talk about etc? Not just the daily grind.