LTR/Marriage and mis matched sex drives

Tillybud81 · 2024-02-22T11:22:53+00:00

So this is just a thought provoking and interested in opinions thread. The other day I was talking to a friend who was telling me about a friend of hers thats just found out her husband has been having an affair. It transpires that this couple had only had sex a handful of times in the last 5 years and nothing for the last two years, she didn't want to and had basically made him celibate. My response was along the lines of no excuse for an affair, leave if you're unhappy, but what did she expect. Anyway this got me thinking that the biggest reason for any (otherwise normal) LTR/marriage break up and/or affair is a mis matched sex drive between the couple. Whether both of you are at it like rabbits or both are rarely interested in more than a cuddle, surely being on the same page as far as sex goes is the key to couples staying together for many years. Just interested to hear others thoughts on this one

bted · 22/02/2024 11:30

Its not ok to cheat on someone, they should walk away from the marriage if they aren't getting what they need.

Its not ok to be in a marriage and tell your partner, husband, wife, that you no longer want to have sex with them, but expect the rest of the marriage to continue in the way they want it to. They should walk away if that's the situation.

However, its incredibly hard for either person in the marriage to do that, especially with children involved, for me cheating is much worse than withholding. Its often a very complicated and sad situation, there can be many causes. Ideally they can be worked through, but its never a straightforward answer.

I think you make a fair point in what you've said to your friend, its not an excuse, but its not an unforeseeable outcome

Original poster

Tillybud81 · 22/02/2024 11:36

Sorry should have pointed out this couple don't have children.

I suppose this should make it easier to leave in a way but I think poeple get stuck in sunk costs, financial reasons and general security. But it seems if one or the other are not getting the intimacy they want from their partner it's only a matter of time before they find it elsewhere

OP posts:

nwh · 22/02/2024 11:39

Yes i agree in the sunk costs, children are one of the strongest, but the others are similar holds.

I think generally I agree with you

Universalsnail · 22/02/2024 12:05

I get torn down for this opinion but honestly I think sometimes in times of low libido, maintenance sex is essential if you want to keep a relationship. Just do it once a week or something. Makes a big difference.

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to be monogamous and just never have sex.

The man should have ended the relationship, but if everything in their lives is otherwise good and he loves his wife I can understand why he stayed but found sexual intimacy elsewhere.

Alternatively if you are with someone and you have such low sex drive that you want to have sex once or twice a year but you don't want to seperate, you don't want to address the low sex drive, and its been like that for years without anything changing really you need to consider opening the relationship.

C1N1C · 22/02/2024 12:09

I guess it comes down to two things... how it arose, and how it is actioned.

When women come on here saying their man's sex drive has decreased, it's met with death grip, infidelity, closet homosexual comments. When a man complains, it's met with a 'you must not be contributing to the housework', 'you're a sex pest', 'she's not just a cum bucket' sorts of comments.

Invariably, you do get the mismatch = you need to leave responses. But where is the limit?

Based on MN, it appears that the men's libidos remain fairly consistent, but women's drop off after marriage/kids. Should men have to accept that sex is off the table after kids? Should they have a right to leave at that point? Should women be given a 'grace period' after kids?

That last point is particularly dangerous territory, as you can see... definitely not one I am suggesting. But it is awkward, as women are told simply to leave if their partner's libido drops, while men are told to suck it up.

Should both parties have a right to leave of the frequency decreases for 'whatever' reason?

Universalsnail · 22/02/2024 12:14

C1N1C · 22/02/2024 12:09

I guess it comes down to two things... how it arose, and how it is actioned.

When women come on here saying their man's sex drive has decreased, it's met with death grip, infidelity, closet homosexual comments. When a man complains, it's met with a 'you must not be contributing to the housework', 'you're a sex pest', 'she's not just a cum bucket' sorts of comments.

Invariably, you do get the mismatch = you need to leave responses. But where is the limit?

Based on MN, it appears that the men's libidos remain fairly consistent, but women's drop off after marriage/kids. Should men have to accept that sex is off the table after kids? Should they have a right to leave at that point? Should women be given a 'grace period' after kids?

That last point is particularly dangerous territory, as you can see... definitely not one I am suggesting. But it is awkward, as women are told simply to leave if their partner's libido drops, while men are told to suck it up.

Should both parties have a right to leave of the frequency decreases for 'whatever' reason?

I really think it's a length of time thing.

Several months of no sex due to change in life circumstances, illness etc is one thing. I think anyone throwing away a marriage for that is pretty shitty especially when tiny children are involved. But when you start getting to the point of 2 years no sex thing, with no sign to change and no attempt to change, I think that's the point we're the person not wanting sex has become unreasonable to expect their partner to keep putting up with not having their needs met.

Original poster

Tillybud81 · 22/02/2024 12:18

Universalsnail · 22/02/2024 12:05

I get torn down for this opinion but honestly I think sometimes in times of low libido, maintenance sex is essential if you want to keep a relationship. Just do it once a week or something. Makes a big difference.

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to be monogamous and just never have sex.

The man should have ended the relationship, but if everything in their lives is otherwise good and he loves his wife I can understand why he stayed but found sexual intimacy elsewhere.

Alternatively if you are with someone and you have such low sex drive that you want to have sex once or twice a year but you don't want to seperate, you don't want to address the low sex drive, and its been like that for years without anything changing really you need to consider opening the relationship.

I get what you're saying, I did this in my LTR because well I couldn't just expect him to not have sex cos I didn't want it, I eventually resnted him for it and it came to a point where the relationship wasn't sustainable if he still wanted sex (of course he did) we split last year.

My own experience in not wanting my mans life to be sexless and the story of this couple is what got me thinking

OP posts:

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 13:34

My situation: I wanted sex more than my wife. She always told me she just wasn't that bothered about sex. There was an affair: hers, with a bloke from work. His wife intercepted their messages, printed them, and posted them to my workplace. It turned out she did like sex after all. This is 14 years ago and I still carry it around with me.

Original poster

Tillybud81 · 22/02/2024 13:43

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 13:34

My situation: I wanted sex more than my wife. She always told me she just wasn't that bothered about sex. There was an affair: hers, with a bloke from work. His wife intercepted their messages, printed them, and posted them to my workplace. It turned out she did like sex after all. This is 14 years ago and I still carry it around with me.

Thats the other side of it too, do some partners have a low libido or is it just a low libido for the person they're with. I guess this takes a lot more honesty and introspection.

I'm sorry you went through that though

OP posts:

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 13:45

@Tillybud81 I'll get back to you when I've worked that one out.

Whydoesitkeeprainingallthetime · 22/02/2024 13:48

IMO, sex is fundamental in any relationship and removing that would create an imbalance. Whilst we can agree it’s morally wrong to cheat, expecting your spouse to remain celibate after months/years of no sex is ultimately going to lead to resentment and divorce or an affair. The majority of people in healthy relationships enjoy sex.

AbeSimpsonsWhiskeySour · 22/02/2024 13:55

The problem is that sex is both a massive and yet an insignificant issue depending on who you speak to. If I described leaving my marriage to my husband and father of my children due to lack of sex or sexual compatibility (if I didn't like the way he did it or if he was selfish or disinterested) a large number of British women wouldn't get it. There's a huge majority of people who could take or leave sex. But if you need it and it's how you feel valued/ adored/ loved then that issue is massive and it corrodes your marriage from the inside.
Which is why I'm single lol.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2024 14:02

What I find hard to understand is why people commit when they’re already mismatched or there’s no spark. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons but I’ve never seen any. So often you’ll read on here someone, man or woman, saying they haven’t had sex for a long time or it’s crap sex but then drop in that it was always sporadic or crap.

While things can change in the short term due to pregnancy or kids as often acknowledged, you’ve got nothing to go back to if it was never that good. It’s what I think of in conception threads where the man has ED or seems uninterested while the woman is broody and getting desperate to conceive. I want to yell if you thinks it’s tough now wait till you’ve got a young baby, it’s never going to improve!

Obviously if you’re both on the same page that sex isn’t important then crack on and you’ll probably be fine. But it’s so rarely equal it can only get worse over time.

I’ve been fortunate that things have remained good and the same for us through years of ttc, miscarriages, complicated deliveries, non sleeping babies. We’ve always quite quickly got back to sex and it’s a big part of our marriage. It means that while a lot has changed we’ll prioritise a quickie on the sofa if we know it’s going to be a broken night. It’s not like the honeymoon period of up all night in a nice hotel or lazy Sundays in bed but it does keep things alive and sparky. We have memories of hotels and Sundays and plan to go back there when the kids are older. I’d be devastated if DH stopped wanting sex, it’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum.

Eric1964 · 22/02/2024 14:10

"I’d be devastated if DH stopped wanting sex, it’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum."

@AnneLovesGilbert

Yep. My wife not wanting sex means I have to bolster my sense of self elsewhere (and I don't mean other women.) If I was religious, I'd say sex is a precious gift from God: a drug with only positive side-effects.

Original poster

Tillybud81 · 22/02/2024 14:15

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2024 14:02

What I find hard to understand is why people commit when they’re already mismatched or there’s no spark. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons but I’ve never seen any. So often you’ll read on here someone, man or woman, saying they haven’t had sex for a long time or it’s crap sex but then drop in that it was always sporadic or crap.

While things can change in the short term due to pregnancy or kids as often acknowledged, you’ve got nothing to go back to if it was never that good. It’s what I think of in conception threads where the man has ED or seems uninterested while the woman is broody and getting desperate to conceive. I want to yell if you thinks it’s tough now wait till you’ve got a young baby, it’s never going to improve!

Obviously if you’re both on the same page that sex isn’t important then crack on and you’ll probably be fine. But it’s so rarely equal it can only get worse over time.

I’ve been fortunate that things have remained good and the same for us through years of ttc, miscarriages, complicated deliveries, non sleeping babies. We’ve always quite quickly got back to sex and it’s a big part of our marriage. It means that while a lot has changed we’ll prioritise a quickie on the sofa if we know it’s going to be a broken night. It’s not like the honeymoon period of up all night in a nice hotel or lazy Sundays in bed but it does keep things alive and sparky. We have memories of hotels and Sundays and plan to go back there when the kids are older. I’d be devastated if DH stopped wanting sex, it’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum.

Edited

This is lovely to read and exactly what I'm talking about

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 22/02/2024 14:22

Several months of no sex due to change in life circumstances, illness etc is one thing. I think anyone throwing away a marriage for that is pretty shitty especially when tiny children are involved. But when you start getting to the point of 2 years no sex thing, with no sign to change and no attempt to change, I think that's the point we're the person not wanting sex has become unreasonable to expect their partner to keep putting up with not having their needs met
I'd agree with this. It would be selfish and unreasonable in my opinion to throw away a good marriage because life with babies and toddlers has affected the frequency of sex. Long term though with no signs of wanting to rekindle intimacy then I think there needs to be a conversation about whether the relationship has any mileage anymore.

People might find a compromise they're both happy to make and that works long term.

It surprises me how many threads there are on here that can be paraphrased as "we've had kids, I'm not bothered about sex anymore and would happily never have sex again, DH is just going to have to accept it" and then there's some surprise if/when it turns out DH wasn't happy for another 30 years of sexless marriage.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 22/02/2024 14:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2024 14:02

What I find hard to understand is why people commit when they’re already mismatched or there’s no spark. I’m sure there are plenty of reasons but I’ve never seen any. So often you’ll read on here someone, man or woman, saying they haven’t had sex for a long time or it’s crap sex but then drop in that it was always sporadic or crap.

While things can change in the short term due to pregnancy or kids as often acknowledged, you’ve got nothing to go back to if it was never that good. It’s what I think of in conception threads where the man has ED or seems uninterested while the woman is broody and getting desperate to conceive. I want to yell if you thinks it’s tough now wait till you’ve got a young baby, it’s never going to improve!

Obviously if you’re both on the same page that sex isn’t important then crack on and you’ll probably be fine. But it’s so rarely equal it can only get worse over time.

I’ve been fortunate that things have remained good and the same for us through years of ttc, miscarriages, complicated deliveries, non sleeping babies. We’ve always quite quickly got back to sex and it’s a big part of our marriage. It means that while a lot has changed we’ll prioritise a quickie on the sofa if we know it’s going to be a broken night. It’s not like the honeymoon period of up all night in a nice hotel or lazy Sundays in bed but it does keep things alive and sparky. We have memories of hotels and Sundays and plan to go back there when the kids are older. I’d be devastated if DH stopped wanting sex, it’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum.

Edited

This is us too. 25 years together and the longest we have gone is probably 2-3 weeks. We don't have it loads ( once or twice a week) but it is with laughter the glue of our relationship.

Doingthework · 22/02/2024 14:39

Absolutely love this

” it’s one of the things that makes me feel like me rather than mum.” @AnneLovesGilbert

Post second child we had a bump in our intimate connection so to speak. It took a lot of work to really understand each other and that it was sex for us not for me. We found that there needed to be a distinct transition from Mum mode to intimacy mode which took some planning and thought and work on my part initially but it was worth it and we’re going great now.

Still doing the work just read Emily Nagowski sex in long term relationships which low and behold has a whole section on transition which we could have done with a few years back.