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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leave husband to work on myself or work on myself and see if marriage improves?

22 replies

VictoriaSpongeBath · 22/02/2024 09:54

I don't feel in love with my husband, we are firmly lodged into the roommate phase and I feel very flat with him. There's no cuddling and barely more than a peck once a day, sometimes none at all.

We have two small kids (both under 5) so there is an aspect of tiredness and being in mum and dad mode I expect.

I'm also feeling pretty crappy within myself, I want to get more active and get in to better shape but can't slip out of the habit of sitting on the sofa watching crap tv and eating dairy milk every single time the kids don't need me. The house is a tip I can't keep on top of and I've just become so lazy and flat feeling.

I sometimes wonder if it's a miserable marriage making me feel this way and if I'd be happier if I left. But then I wonder if I'm really at my best to know what I want, and whether I should stop focusing so much on that and really focus on getting myself to the person I want to be and seeing if he fits into my life once I'm there, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
VictoriaSpongeBath · 22/02/2024 09:55

I'm not even 30 for a few more years, so l definitely don't want this slump to last my lifetime.

OP posts:
DistingusedSocialCommentator · 22/02/2024 09:57

It's unfair on him - decide, tell him and he may even leave you, so be prepared for that. How would you feel if your OH felt like that about you is what you need to consider

However, consider seeing gp first re you feel worn out

Kosenrufugirl · 22/02/2024 09:58

I would say work on yourself first. Change Your Life Today by Lewis David is an amazing book with lots of practical tips on how to turn one's life around

Original poster
VictoriaSpongeBath · 22/02/2024 10:01

DistingusedSocialCommentator · 22/02/2024 09:57

It's unfair on him - decide, tell him and he may even leave you, so be prepared for that. How would you feel if your OH felt like that about you is what you need to consider

However, consider seeing gp first re you feel worn out

Edited

I wouldn't be surprised whatsoever if he was thinking of leaving due to how things are between us. I think it's a matter of time on either side.

OP posts:
DistingusedSocialCommentator · 22/02/2024 10:05

VictoriaSpongeBath · 22/02/2024 10:01

I wouldn't be surprised whatsoever if he was thinking of leaving due to how things are between us. I think it's a matter of time on either side.

Show quote history

Ok, if that's the case - sit down and talk about it before wasting more of your/his life IMO. Better to separate honestly than being deceived IMHO

Dont forget, if you separate, no guarantee the next one is going to be better, could be a lot worse, but your choice

Whatever the outcome, I wish you all well.

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:08

Dairy Milk is a highly processed food, I hope you're not doing this around your kids.

Lassiata · 22/02/2024 10:09

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:08

Dairy Milk is a highly processed food, I hope you're not doing this around your kids.

You've got to be taking the piss. Not helpful.

forgotmyname1000times · 22/02/2024 10:13

You can't control what someone else does or feels so assuming that 'working on yourself' will somehow change him is a false premise.

And I can't help feeling you are looking at this the wrong way around. The only thing you need to ask is do you love him and what him around. If no, leave if you can. If you want to stay, you need to talk to him to see if he wants to stay with you.

You can work on yourself any time whether married or not.

IslandsintheStream24 · 22/02/2024 10:18

As you are only in your 20s and have two small children, I would do what you can to improve things where you are and see how you feel in a few years. If it’s not unbearable.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 22/02/2024 10:25

I think you need to work together to improve things. If you want to be more active, he needs to pull his weight and look after the kids whilst you do exercise, or plan active things as a family. You need to tackle the house together, do a massive declutter and have a cleaning schedule. I really don't see how leaving will improve things immediately, you'll hardly have more time as a single parent

mindutopia · 22/02/2024 10:26

On a practical level, if you were a single parent, you would likely be doing even more of the parenting, plus running a house entirely on your own. It isn't going to free up time for you to work on yourself. You'll be stuck at home without the advantages of a co-parent in the house to share the load.

Whether you are happy together in the long run or not, I think this sort of slump is very normal when you have small kids. You need to carve out time for yourself. Sit down and talk with your dh and say you aren't feeling yourself and you need to prioritise you and your health and work out when you will talk time for yourself. Maybe it's Monday/Wednesday/Friday evenings you go out to exercise or take a class. And then he finds time when he is going to do something. And then you also find time to do things together. If he is already getting time to himself or is going out to work while you're always at home, he may get less time to facilitate you having more in the immediate term.

I wouldn't through away a relationship and a stable home life for your children just because you feel stuck in a rut. It won't be easier to get yourself out of the rut when you are solo parenting and working extra to cover all the household bills. You need to find that time now to prioritise you.

ScottishShortie · 22/02/2024 10:32

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:08

Dairy Milk is a highly processed food, I hope you're not doing this around your kids.

Had to laugh at this. Peak MN. Don’t do Dairy Milk around your kids, it could scar them for life…

ScottishShortie · 22/02/2024 10:35

You sound in a bit of a slump and the fact you’re reaching for comfort in chocolate could be a sign you’re low and maybe there’s a bit of depression in there, especially if you’re feeling flat and struggling to keep on top of things/unmotivated. Have you seen your GP? Anti depressants could help give you a lift and back on your feet?

Definitelylivedin · 22/02/2024 10:37

I was listening to a podcast on the diary of a CEO by Dr Karen Gurney that talks about this problem.

She has a book out called "How to not let having kids ruin your sex life" that I think would be very relevant to you. She was talking about how we see our partners in a different role (such as co-parent or flat mate) which then stops you seeing them as desirable. She was saying how it isn't all about penetrative sex, but about sexual currency, flirting, kissing touching etc that creates desire. If you stop doing that then you lose desire.

Do not give up on your marriage. Work at it (which obviously means working on yourself too but not just that)

Newnamesameoldlurker · 22/02/2024 10:39

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:08

Dairy Milk is a highly processed food, I hope you're not doing this around your kids.

Please ignore this awful comment OP.
Regarding your question- I really relate to being in a lazy slump with tiredness from little kids but Im also really into my DH (hasn't always been the case- we've had bad patches) so I don't think the two issues are necessarily related and each might need to be worked on separately. You need the time to devote to self- care, and you also need to give attention to your marriage eg date nights, trying new things together etc to see if you can re- light the spark. But all of that needs a lot of energy and focus so you might need to pick one to prioritise for now. I would work on yourself first and then turn your attention to the relationship. Good luck OP, its a really hard stage of life!

Crikeyalmighty · 22/02/2024 10:39

I would say work on yourself too- it's amazing how if you feel shit about yourself- everything else feels shit too-

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:42

It was a joke.

Cinai · 22/02/2024 10:49

It doesn’t sound like your marriage is necessarily the root of the problem. I’d try to make changes first, maybe together with him if you can have an honest conversation about where you both stand and what you want to change in your lives. If you both don’t get to a point where you’re happy, you can still amicably separate, but I’d give it a go first.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/02/2024 11:24

I would say how you're feeling about yourself to him and say you feel like it's getting in the way of you being the mum and partner you want to be. Your goals are to

  • eat more healthily
  • move or exercise more
  • get more sleep.
  • live in a tidier home

Can he help you do this or join in himself? What can he do? Can he commit to more chores? Or do taking kids at a certain time while you go on a bike ride? Take over a bit of healthy meal planning? Does he want to do any of the above too and you can help him either with child care or togeeehr?

Whether or not you split that will be a healthy change for the whole household - if he's on board and helps you that may well help you bond. If he doesn't help you you should do it anyway so that you're more happy and confident and ready to go on dates when you break up

Mabelface · 22/02/2024 12:11

SurvivalKits · 22/02/2024 10:08

Dairy Milk is a highly processed food, I hope you're not doing this around your kids.

Yeah, but it tastes so good. 😉😁

Atethehalloweenchocs · 22/02/2024 12:16

I think yourself first, then you can make an informed choice. Tiny changes are the key - even if you delay opening the dairy milk for a few minutes.

Kosenrufugirl · 22/02/2024 17:04

forgotmyname1000times · 22/02/2024 10:13

You can't control what someone else does or feels so assuming that 'working on yourself' will somehow change him is a false premise.

And I can't help feeling you are looking at this the wrong way around. The only thing you need to ask is do you love him and what him around. If no, leave if you can. If you want to stay, you need to talk to him to see if he wants to stay with you.

You can work on yourself any time whether married or not.

When we change our environment changes 100%. For example, when we stop snapping at everyone the world is suddenly full of reasonable people. I can't believe so many posters tell OP to jump and dump her partner. Especially since there are 2 little children involved. Divorce used to be reserved for infidelity, violence, intractable gambling etc. Just because OP has fallen out of love isn't the reason in my opinion. Love comes and goes and young children are always a major stressor. I speak from 27 years of experience. She needs to get herself motivated to change what she can change and go from there. Blaming her partner for everything isn't going to help her in the long run. There are so motivational books and podcasts out there, she needs to find something to suit her and make astart

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