Dh smoking weed - follow up

[Chickenwrap2]

I had a previous thread which I can't link to.

Basically around 18 months ago my husband started smoking weed in our summerhouse, even sleeping out there in the summer months.

It was completely out of the blue. We'd both done it in our younger years but not during our marriage.

I asked him to stop many times. We compromised on once a week but he never stuck to this. It caused so many arguments. He was getting it for free, so money wasn't the issue.

I've just kind of put up with it because I have nowhere to go.
At new year I gave him an ultimatum after he left me alone to see in the new year. He was passed out in the summerhouse as he'd drunk a bottle of wine and had a joint.

He promised as he has promised many times before. Of course he couldn't stick to it. He's doing it around 3 times a week that I know about.

I should add he also thinks he has adhd, and thinks the weed slows his brain down. This is probably true, he has all the traits, but he wont go to the doctors or look into alternatives such as cbd.

A couple of nights ago he came home with a bottle of wine and said he was going to the summerhouse for a fag (meaning cigarette). He does this quite often. I was sat on my own and fancied a glass of wine so went out to get a glass. He was in there smoking a joint.

I'm just done now but don't know what to do next. I've completely shut down and don't want to talk to him. It's all been said before, many times.

My last thread really helped me to see that I wasn't bu. At the time i thought i was being controlling. He has played it down as just a bit of weed but the affect it has had on our marriage is unbelievable.

I just don't want to be with someone who smokes weed 😕

You gave him an ultimatum so you’ve put yourself in a position where you either need to follow it through or just accept he smokes weed and let the matter drop.

What was the “or else…” when you gave him the ultimatum?

I used to be in the "its just a bit of weed, no different to a glass of wine" camp, until I saw my adult son slide slowly into addiction and horrendous mental health problems thanks to weed use.

It's hellishly stronger than it was back in the 80s/90s when I was a smoker. Like, imagine if you were used to drinking beer on a regular basis, and then someone gave you a triple whisky. It's off the scale.

What is your situation with him OP - do you have children? How are your finances - what would a separation look like in financial and practical terms? Because it doesn't sound like he has any desire to stop using; if anything, he's using more frequently since your ultimatum.

I can tell you from experience that any further ultimatums or pleas are likely only going to result in him becoming more secretive with his use. The only person who's actions you can control is yourself - so decide what you're going to do, and then do it.

I've just posted my own thread about relationship advice after addiction. Honestly I was in the same situation as you, this is the sort of things my husband would do despite promising to tone it down. Eventually it spiralled and got out of control and turned into a full blown addiction.

I wish I had tried harder in the early days for him to stop, I sometimes wish I had left.

You aren't being unreasonable, it shouldn't be hard to give up this stuff if the relationship at risk. The fact that he hasn't is a huge red flag that worse is to come. It won't be overnight but think back to a year and see how the difference is now to back then.

I really feel for you, I know how frustrating it is

Lizardlegs

re your comment
"I wish I had tried harder in the early days for him to stop, I sometimes wish I had left".

There was nothing you could have done differently. HE is the only person who could stop this and he has chosen not to do so nor to address the root causes of his addiction. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still go onto to use drink/drugs afterwards.

You can only help your own self ultimately and you can still leave even now. You are an adult with agency as is he.

Thank you so much for your replies.
To be honest it was more a "you need to sort this out because I'm ready to walk" kind of conversation.

I know now that whatever I say or he says he's never going to change unfortunately

"I just don't want to be with someone who smokes weed"

Well don't be. What else is preventing you from leaving?. You've mentioned in this thread having nowhere to go.

Do you have children?.

You can only help your own self here; this is no life for you. His choice is weed and he's likely never been formally assessed for ADHD either (so his pronoucements re that could well be false). He's quite happy as he is.

Pack him a bag and suggest he make a move into the summerhouse a more permanent thing while the divorce goes through?

Do what you need to do, go and have a session with a solicitor, find out where you stand. You can choose. If a man that spends most of his free time hotboxing the summer house is not what turns you on then there's your answer, because that's what you've got.

Such a shame he's going to lose a loving partner for this. But it seems he has made his choice.

Look after yourself from now on. Don't let him guilt you into staying together. Don't let him lie again. Be strong and get the wheels in motion to seperate. I can imagine this will be a huge weight off your shoulders.

If I had the means to leave I would. I live in an expensive area and have a teenage daughter.
We don't have children together.
I saw a solicitor last year to get an idea of what I would be entitled to. I also completed a hr1 form with land registry as the house is his.
I've been working extra hours and trying to save but had a big expense last month so now only have a few hundred in savings 😔
Also looking for a better paid job.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. She is seeing a really crap example of a stepfather figure in her life and all this will influence her going forward with her choice of relationships.

What did you think of the Solicitor you saw; it may well be time to see another firm of Solicitors particularly with regards to your home.

Well, my husband smokes weed, but I don't have a problem with it. He never drinks though, not even a glass of wine, so him smoking weed out in the garden (never in the house) doesn't affect me, as it never gets to his head... he has MH issues and weed helps him regulate, he never gets high.
I guess it's about the fact that it affects your relationship. You need to plan to leave, if it is indeed an issue for you - and not just the "drugs are bad" argument, when there's plenty of arguments of how good weed can be for some MH issues IF used with measure.