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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship after addiction

8 replies

LizardLegs66 · 22/02/2024 08:31

Before I start... I know I sound very selfish and unreasonable. I am looking for people with experience of staying with a partner who is in recovery.

A brief summary, I have been with my DH since school. We partied through our teens and 20s, seen the world and enjoyed life. We settled down in our 30s and have 2 children. We were still a very socialable couple and always out doing things which almost always revolves around alcohol. However it didn't just stop there with my DH and what started as a big drinker turned into a drink habit and then eventually drink and drug addiction. The last 2 years have been hell. He's done some awful things and he hit rock bottom. He decided to get clean and attended meetings which has completely turned his life around and he is currently 8 months sober.

I was desperate for this to happen and I am so proud of him however I feel sad that the life we enjoyed before is gone. We no longer go for a nice meal with drinks, or a night at the pub with friends, no sharing a bottle of wine watching a movie. His personality has changed a lot. Once he was a loud, funny and confident person and now he is quiet and calm but he is also content with that. He goes to his meetings 5x week and he will not miss them for anything. I am trying to understand that they need to be priority over the family but it feels unfair sometimes. Has anyone dealt with this shift in the relationship and personality. I never want to go back to the way things were and I am trying to learn to adjust to this new way.

OP posts:
KTSl1964 · 22/02/2024 08:50

My brother was an alcoholic and yes he stopped and has had to adjust his lifestyle accordingly- he lost friends but they drank heavily too. He feels mentally well but his social life has dropped.
Yes your partner has done well - I’m sure you have been to hell and back.
Have you any support - you could look at Alanon - you can go out alone to see your own friends - you and he can choose different activities - find a hobby together or separately.
Maybe he drunk to give him confidence and this is the quietened down version - your children would have been affected by this - I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home and the damage to me and my siblings was profound. I think there are organisations for teens out there but check up Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families too.
Most addicts are usually covering up some form of childhood neglect and abuse.
I understand it’s all about him - the drinking was all about him and recovery seems all about him. Is he going to face to face meetings as there are loads on line too which may give more flexibility around your needs. 🌺

LizardLegs66 · 22/02/2024 09:45

Thank you for your reply.

I'm happy to hear your brother is sober, I can guess how things were beforehand 😔

Knowing my husbands upbringing, background and life he has as an adult made me realise that it's an an illness. He has had no trauma and has a very close loving and supportive family, immediate and extended.

Kids are still young and although they have been shielded as much as we possibly could there's no doubt they would have heard and seen some things but I'm just hoping with them being young that in time it will become a distant memory.

I am attending social events on my own and I think this is what is making me sad. All my friends are there with their partners and I no longer have that. I dont know if time goes on he might start venturing out and enjoying being in that sort of company but if I was sober I probably wouldn't enjoy it so I get it.

Will suggest a zoom meeting, even just one session a week. I did say a few months ago but he found it more important and helpful being face to face.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 22/02/2024 11:19

I am the alcoholic in this situation, though I would say that my drinking maybe didn't quite have the same impact on family life that it sounds like your dh's did.

I think you need to see this from the perspective that, when he was drinking, this, exactly what you have now, is everything you were hoping for. He has gotten sober. He's taken responsibility for his recovery. He's doing everything he needs to be doing to make sure he stays well. It's different. It's a new dynamic, but it's 1000x better than having someone you love who is drunk, and being an asshole, and slowly killing himself.

But life does change when you stop drinking. It changed in a big way for him. But it's changed for you too. He's had to take responsibility for those changes and accept them. He no doubt will have mourned his old life. And you will too. That's totally normal. It's a new way of life for both of you.

A couple things I'd say. Do you go to al-anon? Or have any support from partners of addicts? If not, I'd find yourself some. This is a really common thing and people who have been there will be able to support you in finding your way through it.

Secondly, I think you need to find new ways to spend time together. You are still stuck in the old rut. You can still watch a film today and have a hot chocolate or a cup of tea together. You can go to the cinema instead of a night in the pub. Or take a class together. Or take up a sport together. One of the things I realised when I stopped drinking is that planning everything around alcohol had meant I'd lost sight of how much there is out there to do that doesn't involve drinking. Ask him to suggest something he'd like to do together and then go do it. Prioritise getting up early on a weekend to spend time together instead of hungover lie-ins. You have to think about what this has given you rather than what it's taken away. What do you get to do now that you didn't when he was in active addiction?

And lastly, you likely will get to have nights at the pub again. And you will go out to parties with friends. I love a night at the pub! I don't have to be drinking to enjoy it (though I'd probably not stay as long now that I don't drink). But it does take time to get used to doing these things without your trusty old friend. And what can you plan with friends that your husband would enjoy doing? If all your friends do is meet up to drink, well, that sounds pretty boring. I can see why he (and you!) wouldn't want to do that. Why not invite them over for lunch? Or plan a beach day in the summer? Or an activity together? Or breakfast out? Organise something that your dh can actually join in with and so you can spend time with friends. Honestly, if I had someone I knew was in recovery, I wouldn't just be planning big nights out drinking and never doing anything that included them.

To a certain extent, I think you need to treat early sobriety like you would say, being in chemo for cancer. It's a really intensive, draining, life changing process. He's going to need to take time out. What you do for fun is going to change. Friends, you'd hope, would find ways to be with both of you and do fun things that don't involve drinking. You wouldn't take your friend with cancer out clubbing and doing shots. You'd let them set the pace and do what's healthy for them. There will be a mourning for you of what life used to be like. But you do need to just find your new normal. Talking with other partners is really key though.

Porkfest · 22/02/2024 16:08

He is in v early days of recovery. First 6 months are physical dependency and second 6 months are psychological dependency.

What about your changing role - are you able to reflect on what you can do now that you are ‘free’ from the co-dependency - where does all that energy and headspace get rechannelled?

I have been in your shoes - when the dust settled I considered the impact it had on me - I had time then to feel resentment (sometimes I still do - with myself).

Its a huge shift - but it takes a long time - but the beautiful life can be out there - but he’s unlikely to be the teenager you fell in love with and lost. He will be different.

I also think he needs personal psychotherapy after AA - I wouldn’t discount a trauma somewhere.

Good luck to you all

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 22/02/2024 16:32

I was desperate for my husband to get sober as his drinking was horrendous. But when he did admit he had a problem and go to AA, after a while I did feel very lonely and left behind. It took a while for me to reach a point where I felt alanon would help me, and I've not looked back, it's not a miserable place, it's often a room full of laughter. Our life today does not resemble our life 10 years ago at all. We have lost some old friendships along the way, and I do sometimes socialise without him. But we have made so many new friends, through AA and alanon. A lot of my husbands time is now taken up with his sponsees and his meetings, but it's part of what helps keep him sober, and I've got myself alanon and new hobbies. We go out for dinner often now and I can have a glass or two of wine and it doesn't bother him at all, but I didn't in the early days. Life's 100% better now.

Helpforahoarder · 22/02/2024 17:04

My ex was addicted and honestly it was just as much a nightmare after he stopped drinking.

Life revolved around fucking meetings. And he always had to go early to 'chat' or chair this or do this role or that role. Could not just turn up for the meeting.

Basically dipping out of most of family life - bed and bath etc. meal times at weekends dictated by meeting times.

Really hard for me to go out and do anything because he was always at a meeting.

Even now when he doesn't work and sees daughters about 4 hours a week if I ask for him to look after them any other time I usually get - oh I have a meeting then.

An2020 · 23/06/2024 12:06

LizardLegs66 · 22/02/2024 08:31

Before I start... I know I sound very selfish and unreasonable. I am looking for people with experience of staying with a partner who is in recovery.

A brief summary, I have been with my DH since school. We partied through our teens and 20s, seen the world and enjoyed life. We settled down in our 30s and have 2 children. We were still a very socialable couple and always out doing things which almost always revolves around alcohol. However it didn't just stop there with my DH and what started as a big drinker turned into a drink habit and then eventually drink and drug addiction. The last 2 years have been hell. He's done some awful things and he hit rock bottom. He decided to get clean and attended meetings which has completely turned his life around and he is currently 8 months sober.

I was desperate for this to happen and I am so proud of him however I feel sad that the life we enjoyed before is gone. We no longer go for a nice meal with drinks, or a night at the pub with friends, no sharing a bottle of wine watching a movie. His personality has changed a lot. Once he was a loud, funny and confident person and now he is quiet and calm but he is also content with that. He goes to his meetings 5x week and he will not miss them for anything. I am trying to understand that they need to be priority over the family but it feels unfair sometimes. Has anyone dealt with this shift in the relationship and personality. I never want to go back to the way things were and I am trying to learn to adjust to this new way.

Firsty I just wanna say, you sound like such a loving supportive wife and he's lucky to have you. Secondly I know how much addiction strips from you as a loved one and as an addict. I've been both.
At 8 months sober it'll very much feel like recovery and meetings have taken over your life and it's really hard to adjust. I know someone else in the thread suggested alanon to you and I think CGL do support groups for families of addicts too. This will really help you to meet new people and give you the ability to speak about your stuff with impartial people.
Remember the meetings he's attending are giving you your DH back. Without those he will probably drink or use again. I'm over 3 years clean now and I attend about 2 or 3 meetings a week but day time ones when my DS is at school. They don't consume my life as much anymore.

An2020 · 23/06/2024 12:09

Helpforahoarder · 22/02/2024 17:04

My ex was addicted and honestly it was just as much a nightmare after he stopped drinking.

Life revolved around fucking meetings. And he always had to go early to 'chat' or chair this or do this role or that role. Could not just turn up for the meeting.

Basically dipping out of most of family life - bed and bath etc. meal times at weekends dictated by meeting times.

Really hard for me to go out and do anything because he was always at a meeting.

Even now when he doesn't work and sees daughters about 4 hours a week if I ask for him to look after them any other time I usually get - oh I have a meeting then.

I was always told your recovery should be from the fireplace out meaning it starts at home. We steal enough from our loved ones without doing it in recovery too. I get we have to be committed but not at the expense of your family. Just my experience however we do need these meetings to stay clean or sober. Without them we'd end up back where we started.

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