Dealing with relationship going sour in pregnancy

[VP588]

My husband has slowly become more toxic during my pregnancy. I am now 33 weeks pregnant and he has been so nasty about and to me. He can't hold down a job because he hates everything, even though we are behind on debts now and have a baby due so we are relying on my income. This means I am working to the absolute latest I can in my pregnancy. This is exhausting. Ontop of this Im still doing 80% of domestic duties including the weekly food shop, cooking, laundry etc. He only has 2 jobs: do the dishes and make the bed (even though I make the bed sometimes too) and obviously clean up after himself. But, he even complains about that and says I'm not grateful if I complain about something not being done. He will blow up and cause a huge argument if I say something to him and then talk about how Im not considering his day and the things he has had to do. I always say that I understand he had things to do, but these were small tasks that he has now left me to do after a long work day. I leave the house at 8.30 and get home at 6, leaving me a couple of hours to do any shopping, housework, laundry etc before I have to go to bed to be up early the next morning, so of course I am going to be frustrated if I have asked for something to be done (i.e. put the clothes away you have left in the kitchen) and I get home and its not! He then just calls me inconsiderate and unsupportive and blows up, saying some pretty venemous things.

He will say the most vile things when hes angry. He will call me names, shout at me and say things like I waste his time, I ruin his life, Im the reason he wants to kill himself, that when he does kill himself he wants everyone to know that Im the reason. He says he hates me, and regularly 'breaks up with me' in arguments.
Im at a loss and I dont know what to do. When things are good, they are really good and we have a great relationship.. but when theyre bad, theyre just beyond. Do I just submit and not say anything about shared household chores and just deal with it? Or challenge it despite knowing there will be a negative outcome?
What am I supposed to do? Im not mentally strong enough to leave or uproot my life, I will end up with nothing and Im just worried sick.

I’m sorry, this sounds terrible. My advice would be to leave. I fully understand that it’s not easy to uproot your life, especially not at this stage of pregnancy, but life with him sounds utterly miserable. Although it might be hard on your own at first, I think you’ll be much happier eventually without someone who regularly puts you down. Do you have anyone in real life who you can talk to, and who could support you?

My first bit of important advice is, do not put his name on your baby's birth certificate when it is born. Go alone and register it.

The second bit of advice is to ask him to leave. Anything that is bad now from him will be much worse when the stress of a newborn is involved. You are not alone, a lot of women experience shit men ramping up their shitness during pregnancy/after.

Please, please find the strength to do it alone. For you. For the baby too.

If he is like this now how on earth do you think he will be like when the baby is here? for their sake you need to leave you should not need to be told this

Really sorry, how awful. I was once told I made a dp's life harder. Absolute bollocks - he had moved into MY house because he was so hopeless. It's always the same with such people - woe is me, everything in someone else's fault, even when others are bending over backwards to accommodate them.

Trust yourself in knowing that no-one worth knowing, no-one who is good for you would ever such things to you. Such venom. You do need to leave him. He is only going to get worse and worse.

"Im at a loss and I dont know what to do. When things are good, they are really good and we have a great relationship.. but when theyre bad, theyre just beyond. "

He chooses when it's good and when it is awful. Always remember that he knows exactly what he is doing when he's being a bastard to you OP, he is choosing that behaviour - it's disgusting. Especially now that you are pregnant.

And it can never be truly good because you never know when the next bout of abuse is coming - but it always is. You deserve better and so does your child.

Don’t put a child in the middle of this shitshow. He’s not bringing anything positive to the relationship. You need an exit plan.

Youre at a loss and dont know what to do?!

he is an absolute waste of oxygen. He is deeply unpleasant and controlling.

leave him and get stronger. Do not do this to yourself. Do not do this to your child. You have options. You might not like them but you do have them.

Nothing about this is good. You're worried about having nothing if you leave but truly this is worse than nothing. If he gave you net nothing you'd have more energy. It's very common for abusive patterns to emerge in pregnancy. He's showing you who he is, believe him. Time to leave.

Im sorry you are going through this. It will be worse when baby arrives - he is not going to be doing his share there either so you’ll ne looking after baby and he will be complaining.

There is no hope for this relationship. Ask him to leave but I suspect he wont. what is your housing situation? Do you have any family who can support you?

Please do absolutely everything in your power to leave him before baby arrives.
I know this seems so hard right now, but trust me, you will feel so much more vulnerable when baby arrives and it will be even harder to escape.
You have an opportunity right now to create a new happy life for you and your baby. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
Whatever you think you have to lose is not worth staying with this vile 'man' for. Please do this for your baby, we're rooting for you.

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way. I know it's hard and you're likely to be feeling very vulnerable right now due to being very pregnant, but you need to tell this guy where to go. You say you'll end up with nothing, but right now you are keeping your whole household afloat while he drains you emotionally and financially. The way I see it the only thing you'll be losing is a burden on your time and resources. If he's behaving like this now then just imagine how resentful and childish he'll be when he's expected to help care for a baby. You and your child deserve better x

You absolutely, 100% need to make him leave, OP. He will be much worse when there is a child on the scene.

First time I've ever said this on a mumsnet thread: LTB
You are dealing with a manchild and if you stay with him you will be doing everything and end up a resentful, burnt out mess. It's easier said than done but you would be better off by yourself and not constantly being let down by the person you expect to be your partner not sharing the load.