Leaving emotionally abusive relationships

[CaMina]

Hi
Sorry
Not sure which category to post in

Already have an IDVA worker/womens aid etc

I'm just feeling hopeless. We have a CAO he just breaks it. Doesn't matter to anyone. It's "not enough" for a judge to care.

I want to get it modified to have more time with our kids - I was always primary parent, but when we first went to court I was scared. CAFCASS stated their was no abuse because they said so, and he told them I had an affair when I didn't. No one believed me. Even my solicitor didn't help me. I had to agree to everything he wanted. He got shared care. He's stopped my benefits since then. He sabotaged my second job. He said when we left, if I left, he would make sure I go into debt and no one cared- he's following through with it and I can't do anything. He earns 4* what I do but is self employed.

I'm terrified to go back to court, to ask for more time and the CAO to be more specific. I'm worried I'll have my time reduced. He said before, he's been "making arrangements, things are going to change." He's also said twice that "you're not making decisions anymore". He's told me not to use a solicitor. He's bullied me about calling police and asking social services for help. I honestly can't stop crying all the time, because he's so charming and charismatic and he has to control and be perfect at everything and I'm this big failure and I'm so scared of him and because it was mostly emotional/psychological for years, no one believes me or thinks I'm crazy.

recently he dropped /some/ of the missing school uniform which has cost me £££. He dropped 15 white shirts, 2 yellow, and 3 spoons (he's been nicking cutlery from kids boxes, mostly the forks, I no longer send pack lunches on his days). Everyone thought I was crazy. I know he's only returned it because he wants a response.

Just a week ago his "not girlfriend" of 3 years assaulted me and gave me a black eye. No witnesses so police won't help. He will just say it's not to do with him. Nevermind the heard worth of stalking and harassment. Nothing I can do. Police won't reopen coersive control case, either; in fact they never even took a statement.

I'm exhausted. Nothing I can do is ever right. I don't even know why I left anymore. Everyone around me thinks I'm holding it together, but I'm not. I'm scared. I cry on my way to work every day in my car. I cry driving home. I have to hold it together in front of the kids because he said if I cry in front of them I'm abusing them

My dad died the same day I got assaulted and I can't even mourn it because apparently it's abuse to the kids and means I'm unstable.

I just don't know why I left. Because if he takes the kids if was for nothing. And you can't prove emotional/psychological abuse. He mostly talks in code.or makes it "about the kids" and I'm essentially told to sit down and shut up and do as he says, by everyone. I'm scared to even get the CAO modified to be more specific.

I just don't know what to do or why I even left. I have to keep pretending I'm fine but I'm not and I can't let anyone know that because I get yelled at.

That sounds so horrific @CaMina You are so strong to keep going when he is such a complete wanker.
Can women’s aid do any more to help you find a plan through this?
Dont give up, you are doing an amazing job xx

Not really, because it's using the kids. Essentially there's nothing they can do. Even going to the choices meetings, hearing the other women's situations, some much worse... You can't do anything and you're lucky if it's 50/50, as they'll try and undermine you to get full custody knowing it hurts you. I just wish I'd let him abandon our son when he threatened to, years ago.

I just feel it was all pointless.

I’m so sorry, it isn’t right that men can terrorise their partners like that. Let’s hope he has a bad accident or illness to get him out of your life forever

If course you can cry and be upset. He doesn't get a say in that anymore. And it's not abuse to cry when your dad has just passed away.

First things first, the ONLY contact you should be having is about the kids. Pick ups and drop offs. Have a family member do them for you if possible. Anything else he messages about, just don't respond.

Secondly, if its a school day, they come home to you first before going to him. Or send a stash of clothes to his that they can wear on school days. If they lose that on his days, HE pays for them to be replaced or - they don't go to school. The clothes will soon stop vanishing when he realises the alternative is the kids staying off school on his days.

Block him on everything but a burner phone. Only check that once per day. Don't respond to anything unless it's about drop offs or pick ups.

If you find a new job, don't tell anyone anything about it. But tell your job your ex is a bit nuts so just to be aware he may call them with nonsense as he has form. And just to let you know if he does so you can forward that to the police.

Stay off social media or lock it down airtight (only add ppl you know and trust). Dont post anything you'd not want him to know.

Report any threats to the police. Tell them what he did to your job.

Phone the national stalking helpline for advice because threatening to fuck your life up, stop you earning ect... I mean its textbook stalking.

Keep on at the police. Keep screenshot of everything. Get a camera doorbell installed.

Oh you poor thing.

I have my own very unpleasant experiences of CAFCASS and the family courts. I wish I could reassure you that you will get justice and more time, but unfortunately I can't.

You're not alone. I wish there was more I could do, but all I can do is reassure you that I believe you and that you're not the only one.

I pray that something is done in our lifetime to stop women being abused through the courts.