Being harder emotionally on ex

[Wwyd1235]

How do you separate your emotions around your ex after separation?
Abit of background - separated just over a year (my choice) I am told he is a typical narcissist by family and friends who are removed from the situation. everything is my fault, he told everyone I had such awful depression that he had no option to leave when in reality I just had nothing left anymore in terms of feelings for romantically, nothing I do is enough, i don’t support our children enough emotionally, he is on anti depressants because of the breakdown of the marriage, I ruined his life, I live in the house because I have the children and he hates that, even though I have said I will sell it if it matters so much. Everything he says contradicts himself to the point I don’t know what he even wants (he wants the children more but then says he gives up every weekend to be with them so we need to share, even though that’s not the case and we share joint care at the weekends) But then on the other hand he will tell others that we co parent really well and he has nothing but respect for me.
his moods are constant jackal and Hyde, he comes to the house and is either angry, sad, upbeat (rarely) but I never know who I will get.
I always make allowances and excuses for him because I ended the marriage and he left the marital home therefore I feel a lot of guilt.
how do you stop worrying and defending the behaviours of someone who causes you constant stress but you also feel guilt for ‘ruining them’?

How are you?

Okay, straight talk. I think the guy knows your feeling intense (wildly misplaced) guilt over what has happened to your relationship. And that's what's keeping you tethered to him and his accompanying misery. Hence, the circular arguments that go nowhere, the unbalanced criticism, hostility and overall unhappiness in general.

Perhaps do the unexpected. Like you make some peace with yourself. Then take a deep breath (one day soon) gather up all your strength and cut this guilt in half. Mentally, emotionally etc.dump the lot, wholesale.. Get that done if you're seriously looking to come up for some air. Right now you're suffocating emotionally.

Could be that you have a massive clear out of old familiar household clutter, whatever. Just do something to show yourself that you're leaving the past behind. About time, no?

The situation you described sounds absolutely toxic just reading it, I can barely imagine the reality. So yeah, crush the guilt you're carrying around over the irreversible past. Please do that if you truly wish to free yourself up and begin living life again. Don't rush now, one step at a time but focus on YOU from this point going forward.

Misery LOVES company. Try to remember that old saying next time he's droning on at you for nothing at all, don't even respond anymore. Just follow a YouTube fitness vid instead, or occupy the space which used to accommodate the drama episodes. You'll find yourself pulling together and getting stronger.

Bin the guilt and start looking after yourself, the kids are counting on you.

Bless

Everything he says contradicts himself to the point I don’t know what he even wants

He doesn't actually want anything apart from having you walking on eggshells, not knowing which way is up (hence the constant contradicting), worrying, taking the blame, feeling the guilt; every negative emotion you have - that is what he wants. He wants to punish you.

You are not to blame for ruining him. He is not ruined, he is just behaving the way narcissists do when they've been discarded. Be aware that they are very good actors and very believable. When you start to understand his behaviour for what it is I think you'll be able to reframe your guilt to pride. Pride that you recognised the relationship was unhealthy and not working for you and you did something about it. That is an incredibly difficult thing to do, so bloody well done! Why should you feel guilt for putting yourself and your children first??

I also think you need to stop making allowances for him. He's behaving like a two year old who is having a strop for not being allowed to put his finger in a plug socket. It is typical Grade A narcissistic behaviour. Look up grey rock and try and use that in any interactions you need to have with him. Show him no emotion, become as boring as a grey rock. I would also recommend Dr Ramani on YouTube.

Keep posting if it helps

Thank you so so much to both of these responses, I genuinely feel like I needed to hear them, they make so much sense, I need to remember this going forward x

You have split up physically. When you no longer care what he wants, then you will be over it. Meantime try practicing not giving a f**k about what he wants. Concentrate more o what you want for yourself and DC's and ignore any criticism he has. Fake it till you make it. One day you will cease to care and be much happier for it.

I was with my husband for far too many years. I had always thought I was standing up for myself and not taking any shite. It wasn't until we had separated that I was allowed the headspace to see what he had been doing to me and that I had been manipulated into letting him. Allowed being the operative word - they keep your head so full of them and their behaviour that you aren't able to have the clarity to see it for what it is. That's why your friends and family have been able to see what your ex is, because they don't have the emotional attachment that you're still being forced to endure.

It can take a lot of healing from. There are people who will say 'just move on' but it's not always possible when you have been slowly eroded from day one. You're already a year down the line, that's good, you just need to start handling him with the knowledge that you know what he's playing at so it doesn't affect you so much