Signs my ex wants to get back together or am I completely misreading things?

[InNoneOfThemAmIDancing]

My wife and I split up last June after nearly 20 years together. I won't go into the reasons why but it was quite amicable. Since then we have been coparenting our two young children successfully whilst chatting from time to time. Occasionally our chats turned to whether or not we might consider giving things another go but my wife in particular did not want to.

Things were sort of stable until Boxing Day, when on going to bed I realised she had left me a voicemail saying she wanted to get back together. By the time I managed to speak to her again the next day she had changed her mind, apologising as she had got drunk and emotional it being the first Christmas alone. Had she not changed her mind I would have said yes as I want to try again.

Since then though things have increasingly been changing. She will sometimes ring me for a chat or invite me round/accept an invite round for dinner or something. At first this was once a week but has increased to the point where I have seen her every day from Friday last week until yesterday. The only reason I am not seeing her today is because I am traveling for work, which she seemed disappointed about. She is very friendly when chatting and is being far less formal around me than she was, making innuendos and so on. She's also doing some of the things she used to do when we were together, like adjust my clothing if it is wonky, share food off her plate with me, stick her tongue out at me when she makes a joke or sidle up to me on the couch if she wants to show me something. She also found out the other week that I had made friends with a new female colleague and seemed quite jealous.

Because of this, I have asked more than once about whether she wants to try again. Sometimes she says no and is very adamant about this and at other times she says she doesn't know. She also refuses to talk about the possibility in any detail and that she does not want me to pressure her. Everytime she talks about the future she talks as if we're never going to get back together and she is planning a life alone. But couple all this with her behaviour changes, which are getting friendlier each week, and I am very confused as to what this all means. Why would things suddenly have got much friendlier otherwise? I also don't know if I should try to push things despite her responses, give her more time and let her continue to 100% control things (she initiates each time we meet), back off completely as I am getting confused by the mixed messages or something else.

If anyone has any thoughts that would be great, thank you.

Why not move on and be with someone who will treat you better and in a manner you deserve.
20 years or 20 months an ex is an ex for a reason

That is very confusing for you.

Personally I would have a conversation stating very clearly that her behaviour is becoming more intimate and does she want to get back together?

I think you deserve a clear answer and so do your children.

If the answer is no then you need to have a more formal relationship, only discussing the children, otherwise it is not fair on you. That means no meeting for dinner, watching TV etc.

And I wouldn't ask again about getting back together after this one more time. You need to move on with your life, maybe see a solicitor for advice.

Having said the above it is difficult to be sure without knowing the reasons for the split.

Definitely back off. If you keep giving her all the benefits of the relationship without having to commit then you'll never know. Likelihood is she's lonely as she hasn't moved on yet but the moment she finds someone new you'll be ditched. Back off from her, be busy, maybe arrange a couple of dates. If she does have feelings still then she'll at least feel like she has to decide/recommit. I think you need to accept that this one is most likely done though.

@BlameYou @helpmum2003 Thank you for replying. The thing is, although her behaviour at the moment is confusing I don't think she is mistreating me. Without saying too much, most of the reason for the split is that about three years beforehand we found ourselves in a financial hole. I was having to put in a lot of work to sort things and although successful in the end (annoyingly all resolved after the split), the stress had turned me into a grumpy person who wasn't the nicest to be around and who had changed quite a lot in negative ways. She appreciates the reasons for this so doesn't hold it against me shall we say but it was dragging her down too much and she had to get away from it for her mental health.

The split was the kick up the arse I needed to realise what I had become and since then I've focused on working on myself to go back to what I was before the 3 years of constant stress. My take on this is that she is seeing the improvement which might be making her reconsider things but she is held back both by any pain I did cause her in the three years plus the fear this could happen again.

No wonder you’re confused, she is sending confusing signals but she says she doesn’t want to be with you. I suspect she doesn’t want to with but crucially she doesn’t want you to be with anyone else.

I wonder whether you could suggest to her that perhaps she needs some space for a few weeks to figure out what she really wants.

It seems to me that you are stuck in limbo. I'm quite a blunt person so I think I would be saying to her, 'You are sending me mixed messages and I think we need to be very clear on our relationship. Do you want to give the marriage another go or not? I need a definite answer'.

If she says no, or hedges then I would say to her, 'I don't want to carry on like this any longer, and therefore I'm going to file for divorce. I'm happy to be amicable and fair about finances and co-parenting, but there will be absolutely no other relationship between us. I am intending to move on with my life, and hopefully meet someone else. I wish you all the best'.

It's time to have a clean break with no ambiguity about it.

I think the reasoning for the financial hole is quite significant here for context. For example, if you had a joint investment go completely awry or one of you was made suddenly redundant, that's quite different from say, hidden debts or gambling issues from either party.

Some are joint issues that you tackle together, others are a result of one party lying to the other.

The reason I say this is that you say "in case this should ever happen again". I think your ex wife would be quite justified in taking her time to make a decision about her future in one case, while in another, personally I don't think it's fair to keep you hanging on the off chance that she decides that she wants to give it another go.

Either way, really only you can decide whether or not your wife's actions are reasonable and justified and how long you are prepared to wait for her.

I think I would not ask her again where it is going but I would back off and if she comes in a bit strong then pull back. She cannot have the fun and friendly flirty thing and then say she doesn’t want anything. Don’t answer her calls straightaway, don’t see her everyday- keep it professional and friendly but not overly so.