How to build better relationships among other women

[Nina001]

I struggle alot building relationship around women. I have a childhood wound and makes me awkward around other women. I feel safe and more relaxed around men and can start convo easily but around women I struggle with topics especially at work. And don't know where to start

there’s so secret to building friendships with women as opposed to me Op

Once you get out of that frame of mind, that will be the first step

second step… be friendly, interested, thoughtful and not a twat!

I hear you. I used to tense up whenever I was in a company of women due to a long history of being billed at school. The trouble was I wanted to train as a midwife as I was fascinated by the magic of birth. Good news is that communication skills are like any other skills- they could be learned. They are many excellent books on Amazon. I am sure there are many excellent podcasts too. The Guardian is often printing little summaries of various books. My biggest tip- learn to be a great listener. It's the ultimate communication skill. I hope it helps

I have loads of female friends and think that part of it is because I am smiley, chatty, I care about them and I like a laugh. People just like to feel relaxed and have an easy going exchange where they feel listened to. Just look at your potential friends as people who you are interested in and show warmth to them. Don't overthink it. What do you like in a friend?

Further to the earlier message.... https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2024/feb/20/seven-tips-supercommunicator

Why can't you talk to women about the same topics you start conversations with men about? What are the topics that you think are only suited to male company? Because most people who start conversations ime talk about topics that can be discussed by both sexes.

Thank you to all who responds. I think I send wrong energy I'm not sure.
I'm used to blame myself.. I don't know what to start how to show that you care? I try to avoid being too friendly as I was hurt many times. Men have shown interest in me because of my looks and I can laugh with them easily as they are more relaxed in general. I wish really to be able to change energy and attract other females as friends. I really do care about women as anyone else it's just I feel more tense (I was also bullied by a girl long time ago and lost my dear friendship as a teenager)around them. I feel like women tend to be more cautious and get easy going with similar easy going women. I feel like I'm not easy going and I'm sad about it.

Accept who you are. Don't try and be a girls girl if you're not and give your friendship to people that deserve it whilst recognising what female relationships bring up for you. Post divorce I have lost so many women in my life but new ones are coming in. And also I know I like male relationships platonic ones as well. Because of my ND I am probably too straight talking I don't know. But don't see it as an issue in you. Just go where the warm people are x

anyone else think this op might be male looking for ways to get closer to women?

I'm awful making "office" or "women" conversation and my best friends are women. There is plenty to talk and more importantly to listen. I learnt that my friends like to vent daily stuff every now and them I listen to them and if they ask I give them my opinion. I don't have to share or talk when they do that I just listen.
They are like they are and I am as I am. Still friends.

I've already created that weird feeling around me and now I don't know how to approach or what to talk to someone, feels like I'm forcing. And It feels lonely when no one wants to talk. It flares my anxiety as well

I'm like you OP. I find groups of women stressful and I'd usually run a mile.

They all seem to have different interests and priorities to me, and I always feel like a spare part or that I'm surrounded by 'mean girls'.

Good luck with your efforts. You are brave.

There’s plenty of guides on the internet should that be their wish.
Cynical much?

"men have shown interest in me because of my looks" so it's not that you get on with men it's that they fancy you and that eases the wheels. This doesn't work with women so you will need to develop some skills. Being attractive or believing yourself to be attractive and prioritising giggling with the men over actual conversations with women also won't cut it.

There are some very beautiful women who do it well but they actually seem to like women. I'm not sure you do because women are work and men fall over you.

the style of the Op

have a reread

I'm not a men lol, why would I be on mumsnet. I'm a women and a mom of 2 kiddos.
Anyways muchalover thank you so much! Yes that might be the case, but honestly I don't care to make friends with men but to ease making and keeping friendships with women. Which skills do you think is good, where should I look? Some of it do really stems from my childhood wound with women (I was mocked at because of my accent at the time and I've lost my dear friendship in my late teens)
So I would like to improve for sake of my mental health since I still work with women and also to improve at keeping relationship.
The thing is I work at a place where I wish to grow my career and maybe become a leader/manager and to do that I really want to improve my relationships and build trust among women. Since I came here for advice it's obvious I don't know where to start.

The women you are trying to get to know are not the people who hurt you and maybe you might have to acknowledge that in order to change your mind set.

You are clearly resilient meaning that should you have poor responses you will be ok. I say this because you don't want to return to blaming all women for the actions of a few.

Be interested in their lives. Share vulnerability (when appropriate) so that you're not suggesting you are perfect and many women will feel judged by the implication (attractive women can appear to do this). Pay compliments genuinely about clothing, hair, and work. Ask for recommendations and then feed back positively. They will likely have felt belittled for not being the favourite with men or may have been judged by attractive women in their lives. We are all doing our best.

Never tell men what women share with you. Never run women down to men. Never let men ridicule women in your presence. Particularly colleagues. This will mean men won't like you as much but it is very rare that someone is truly liked by both men and women.

I’m really good at making and keeping good female friends. For me it got easier when I realised out of 20 women they’d probably be no more than one I’d click with.

Thank you for your reply.

When you say share vulnerability I sometimes don't know how to express that so I don't end up feeling like a complainer. This is my fear, how other people judge or think of me.

I'm a justice protector and hate if someone bullies so I would never do that to anyone.
I feel like if I compliment too much it would sound fake. Oh I'm really so bad at it.

Men or women (as adults) ask about their family, pets, what theyve been up to over the weekend/planning next weekend, holidays etc, etc. I have lots of close female friends. I would say only 1-2 of them match me closely in my political outlook for example or musical taste. A lot of the friendship is based on shared experiences and then keeping up with each others lives. Lots of crap is talked about with female friendship, they they are all into fashion or shopping.

I think I speak to them about similar things to my male friends, but I actually hate that male friends cross out of platonic very quickly. I don't want that dynamic in my friendships so I have only ever had one close male friend, but been friends with many others - I just wouldn't use them for emotional support.

Further to my earlier post.... you can absolutely learn to communicate with women. However it might take you a good few years to completely drop off your guard. This will happen when you learn through experience how to read women. Women are naturally gossipy and most of them (not all) love talking about you behind your back and a lot of women (unlike men) are two faced. We as women folk have had so much pretending to do in order to survive in a men's world (as we still do). However, based on a personal experience you can absolutely learn to communicate with women, read them and get along wonderfully with the majority of them. I used to tense up in a women's company as i was badly bullied at school. However I had to learn to relax and read them in order to train and work as a midwife. I would say always assume whatever you say will be shared. So only share what you can prepare to become public knowledge. Start small- compliment your colleagues- on their presentation, on meeting a tight deadline, on their haircut. Everyone likes compliments. If they share anything with you at all for example a video of a their dog etc - act super excited and make lots of positive comments even if you don't like dogs. Then you will become more like a woman and with a bit of time you will learn to distinguish who is genuine and who is not. I am afraid if you want to be liked by women you need to learn some acting skills first. However any skill, including acting skill, could be learnt. Eventually you will make a few genuine women friends and you will be able to leave your childhood experiences behind. This at least has been my experience. I hope it helps

Thank you so much!
With lots of hope and practice I hope it will happen.

I dread it too op. I find netflix a good start or cinema what do they like etc. It always opens up the chat.