Terrified of NC but can’t see any other way through this

[meepthebeep]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted extensively about my relationship with my mum over the years. My therapist said recently that she thinks she sounds like a narcissist, and that my dad has enabled her.

A couple of my previous (massive) threads are here:
From 2018 (which was peak awfulness in terms of mum’s behaviour) https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3172857-Struggling-with-DM-again?page=1

And from earlier this year
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4982517-how-can-you-get-over-emotional-abuse-if-you-still-have-to-be-in-contact-with-who-did-it?page=1

I had a miscarriage before Christmas and it’s really brought up a huge amount of feelings about my parents and childhood. Essentially, my mum is still perfectly entitled to talk to me however she likes (‘so it had died then?’, juxtaposed with ‘if you need a hug, just say and I will be there ❤️❤️❤️’), while my dad continues to sacrifice me to her (‘it’s not worth falling out over,’ ‘she’s only trying to help’).

After 30 years of this, I feel like I can see their behaviour for what it is. They never were and never will be the parents I needed, and that hurts beyond belief. What hurts more is that I’m still expected to put up, shut up and keep the peace, after years of what essentially amounts to psychological abuse.

I’m back in therapy and have this anger suddenly flowing out of me like a torrent. I’m beyond furious with both of them. How dare they inflict this on us and expect no consequences?

I hope DH and I will still have DC, and I can’t bear the thought of her near my babies. They will not be her second chance or ‘do over’. She doesn’t get to try to redeem herself with my children when she failed me so miserably. My heart aches for the scared little girl that I was. No child should be scared of their mum.

The thought of going properly NC still scares me because I know how they will react - it will be 2018 all over again and it will be ‘proof’ that I’m an awful daughter.

Has anyone successfully gone NC with parents who paint themselves as unproblematic who you know will seriously fight back and mudsling, and found peace?

Went nc with my dm for 10 years... When I divorced I contacted her incase she had any 'dirt' on exh... Regretted it soon after.. Went nc again and it's been 12 years. Won't be contacting her again.. She is 74 now. But age won't have morphed her into a genuine human being. She doesn't see my dc either..

I'm sorry for your miscarriage, you need time to process this too ❤️ I'm hopeful it will happen for you and DH at some point.

With regards to your DM. Therapy is amazing but difficult when processing your childhood. Becoming a mum myself made me absolutely raging at some of the things my parents had done and they weren't actually horrendous.

I find low contact easier. No drama, no big confrontations, but my DM is getting more elderly and frail now so is losing her ‘fight’. If she rings, keep it to small scale chit chat and if she gets deep try to laugh it off and go. E.g ‘dont be daft mum, what you like... Anyway I must go I've got to get in with… bye’. I think this is classed as yellow rock technique rather than grey rock (which I've also used when trying to be drawn into a drama).

If they're pushing you to visit and stay, just always come up with an excuse. I've managed this for years, meeting with your partners family or your friends. If she starts guilt tripping you, could engage and have it out but I've had more success cheerfully saying ‘oh mum, don't start guilt tripping me, I'm a grown adult… anyway must dash I've got something in the oven’.

This has worked for me but you may want to go zero contact and many on these boards have and will give you better advice. I will say focus on yourself and your partner. Work through this, then box it off and focus on you. You deserve a happy and drama free life.

I went NC with my parents. It’s only now, many years later , I can see my mother was narcissistic and my father enabled her. She also trained him in nastiness, totally weird but I couldn’t see it as a child, I thought everyone’s parents disliked them!
I can only tell you I lost absolutely nothing by cutting them out of my and my children’s lives.
I gained peace and you can too.

I’m very sorry for your loss of your baby💐. Look after yourself, let yourself heal.

I'm more than 35 years of NC with my mother and I have never regretted it. My Dad wasn't exactly an enabler but he did turn a blind eye at her abuse of me when I was a child. I did allow her some contact with my eldest DC when he was born but she quickly started turning it into an opportunity to push boundaries and I quickly cut all contact again. She has never met my youngest DC.

Constant abuse from my mum...shes narcissistic, misogynistic, never congratulations on my achievements, was jealous of other women and her daughters, and always put men before her kids.
I have been nc for 9 months. Dont regret it. My life is easier now.
I owe her nothing.