Ex taken paternity leave although hasn’t bothered before

[rainywednesday34]

Ex has said he has taken paternity leave to “help me” when baby is here… only thing is, he hasn’t helped or been around for 7/8 months of my pregnancy. It’s our second child together. He left us when I was 20 weeks.

he has not bought 1 thing for the new baby and I have had very limited contact with him since he has left but the contact we do have is about our DD. NEVER asks about unborn baby.

He has not tried to make amends etc and has said he doesn’t know why he would need to apologise as he didn’t want it to be like this and it wasn’t him who made it be like this (again… he left us!!)

Why on earth does he now want to “help”? He’s ruined my whole pregnancy and I don’t want to be a sour puss but am I right to tell him to F off?!? and that I don’t need his “help”

Alright, deep breath. He’s an arse, obviously.
But he’s allowed to take paternity leave legally so he’s doing it. Don’t worry about that.
Think about what support might actually help you while he’s available. And tell him. So do you want him to do all the school/nursery runs for your eldest? Do you want him to take your baby out for a walk everyday (could just be 30minutes) so you can have 30 minutes a day to just focus on your eldest?
Also think about what you don’t want. If you don’t want him hanging around your house for hours make sure he knows that’s not the plan. Nix any suggestions of staying overnight at yours if you don’t want that.
If there are specific baby related things you need to buy then tell him what you need and ask him to contribute. If you don’t need anything new because you’ve got all the equipment from your eldest then just make sure you update the child maintenance claim as soon as your baby is born to reflect the fact you will have 2children.

Be cold. Treat him like you would a paid nanny.

Are you sure he hasn’t taken paternity leave to have a couple of weeks off work on the pretext of “helping”? If he is actually around, maybe just see how it goes and send him out with older Dc or to the shops etc if it’s too much.

He wants time off work 🙄
Agree with the others, if it's time off to help you, he has to help in the way that you want. He left, he doesn't get to decide the bits he wants to do.

Don't worry, he just wants time off work. I doubt he'll even visit.

That said if he does want to see baby then don't let him 'help'. He's to come around for an hour a day to see ds (if he actually shows genuine interest) and dd and that's it. Make sure you have someone with you during these visits so you can kick him out once the hour is up and he can't kick off.

Do not let him anywhere near the birth if he starts insisting. It's not a right. It's your medical procedure and you're entitled to have the environment as calm as you like. Have real support with you.

Good luck. He sounds like an arse.

Separate the Paternity Leave from the help.

He is legally entitled to the Paternity Leave if he can prove he is the child's father or the mother's partner. He can spend it in Ibiza if he wants to, or siting on the sofa watching TV.

If you would like help from him, you will have to ask and be specific about what you'd like him to do. He might say yes or he might say no. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do.

There is absolutely no point wasting energy being cross that you're doing this alone and he has chosen to take Paternity Leave and do whatever he wants with the time. He's sound a loop in the system, you can't do anything about it, and it will just drain you to dwell on it. So don't.

Presumably he no longer lives with you, so you can tell him if you want him round or not?

Sounds like he probably just wants a form completed to hand into work to get 2 weeks off. If you need to request it just don’t bother. He’s ruined your pregnancy, he hasn’t asked about it so you owe him nothing