Asking partner for reassurance then being criticised, AIBU

[Wiped0ut]

I’ve posted last week about the narc behaviour of DH.

if ever I feel upset or down, I ask for affection or kindness from him, I either get silence or stonewalled. When I say what I’m noticing this in his behaviour towards me and what I need, I then get criticised for how I’m attacking him!

This has been the crux of why our relationship is breaking down.

is this normal or is it really me being the issue?

I’m going to read Lundy book, but as I’m still teetering and feeling quite vulnerable about leaving him, any tips and advice to help me would be great fully appreciated!

End it.

What is stopping you from ending it?

It sounds like that's just how your partner is. You aren't wrong for trying but there's not a lot you can do.

Thank you, he won’t change and I can’t change him. It’s so destructive emotionally but I still stupidly love him.

I saw a good analogy the other day...

You get bitten by a venomous snake. Do you go and find help with your remaining minutes, or do you use the last of your energy to chase down the snake to ask him why he bit you?

If your husband has narcissistic tendencies, then he is the snake. He will NEVER be able to answer you about the 'why', in the same way a snake cannot tell you why it bit you.

So use your energy to get away from him and find the help you need. Lundy Bancroft's book will be a good start.

Your husband is a manipulator. The thing about manipulative people is they tend to believe that everyone is as manipulative as they are. So when you're upset or crying, your husband doesn't think "she's upset, she needs kindness and reassurance", he thinks "that bitch is trying to manipulate me, how dare she".

He doesn't want you to feel comforted and reassured. He wants you to feel small. So he criticizes you for trying to address this issue because it's not an issue he wants addressed. He doesn't want to see your point of view. He's behaving exactly how he intends to.

All of the things that are an issue for you in the relationship, are just fine for him. So trying to fix things or talk things through is futile. You can't reason with people like this. You'll never be on the same page because you're not even in the same book.

What are the barriers, emotional, mental, or practical, stopping you from leaving your partner?

I could’ve written this myself. I’m newly single as he left me and our 2 children few months ago. Anyways, things don’t change. It’s been 5 years of me going blue in the face to try get him to see I just need “basic” affection/kindness. Not worth it.

it hurts like hell but in the long run you will be glad. You deserve someone much better than this.