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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mother and husband

7 replies

Unicorn3121 · 21/02/2024 00:28

Hi I’m feeling a bit upset and stressed.

my mother seems to have a constant issue with my husband for some unknown reason.
we got together when we were teenagers and I feel she judged him from the start as he is quite confident and she’s very introvert etc
everytime the conversation naturally goes to talking about him there is always this horrible feeling where she tries almost put me and my husband against eachother. Like she’ll blank things I say about him even if they are really lovely things he’s done for me or our baby and generally I just dread our conversations as I feel I have to be so careful not to talk about him as there’s always a almost jealous feeling which is weird but that’s the only way I can explain it.
she will often not say anything if he’s name naturally comes up but if she can’t get away with that she will say extremely minimal or more often than not use a diversion technique even to the point she will say “ow” as if she’s stubbed her toe or something even though it seems to be a constant pattern.
even when we got engaged at Easter after waiting about ten years to have the money etc she was more bothered about Putting her dinner on.
He is always so nice and approachable with her and really tries his best but it’s like she just always has to have a problem and can never give him credit.

i feel bad ending the contact but even though my husband is cool with me keeping the contact I just feel bad against him and my daughter. I think I feel this so much because he’s really tried and I think he would like to have been part of their family as he hasn’t any family of his own as his parents are older siblings mistreated him.

feel torn with my emotions and don’t know if my daughter should be involved with my mother or not.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 21/02/2024 10:21

This is so hard for you. Have you directly asked your mother what her problem is? In this situation I personally would lay my cards on the table and directly address the issue.

HelenDamnation1 · 21/02/2024 10:37

Are you very polite British? If this was happening in my family, we'd have just said 'what the hell is your problem? Sort it out or we're off'!

Olika · 21/02/2024 10:46

Just ask her what her problem is.

Unicorn3121 · 22/02/2024 00:55

I ask her but she says there is no problem and that I’m over sensitive and looking into things.
it all makes me lose confidence and doubt myself but deep down I just know something isn’t right and I can’t bare having to deal with her.
we don’t have a car so visiting her is hard as it’s a few trains away and I just feel me my husband and baby are vulnerable so away from home and with no means of car etc
my mum doesn’t drive either and just lives with her mother.
the things she does are never 100% so she always gaslights me but my gut instinct is just so strong that in reality she’s got some sort of jealousy issue with him or is always trying to make me see an error in him which isn’t there eg. If he gets a new coat she will ask if I wanted a coat, or if he was to joke and have banter with me Something really mild like saying I can’t dance etc she’ll take it serious and act as if he’s out of order and praise how great I dance even though I have no interest in dancing. Basically it all feels weird. If you try and ask her on the phone she cuts it off and if you wait until your face to face she can get intimidating by throwing things around the room and shouting loudly. Tbh I feel quite bullied by her a lot of the time but when I want to cut contact the guilt is laid on me. Just wish I could live my life away from her and feel guilt free. She has no friends or relatives though so if I go no contact she’ll be left with no one so I just feel in such a difficult place.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 22/02/2024 01:01

Have a read up on covert narcissism. I suspect a few things will seem
familiar.

Unicorn3121 · 22/02/2024 01:12

Escapingafter50years · 22/02/2024 01:01

Have a read up on covert narcissism. I suspect a few things will seem
familiar.

Thank you that was very helpful and a lot of it does mirror her.
im just not sure how to leave without all the guilt.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 22/02/2024 08:57

I thought it might be familiar OP, sorry. I've had the same. Covert narcissism is the worst because no-one sees it so you kind of think you're losing your mind.
Next thing to read up on is Fear, Obligation and Guilt (known as FOG).
And please remember you're allowed to put your needs first!

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