Vretz
I think it's this attitude that is lacking tbh.
so she didn't actually "need" me
This is also part of the problem. A lot of men like to feel 'needed'. They feel it gives them the upper hand. It's really refreshing to encounter a man who doesn't feel like this.
My main hobby is that I play in a band. I'm committed to practice one night a week and gigs every other weekend or so.
My partner is also in a band with similar levels of commitment, so that helps in that he understands it completely. We also support each other by going to each others gigs.
I have found previously that men I dated liked the idea of me being in a band - they thought it was sexy or cool - but then a) didn't like the fact I was unavailable on practice nights; b) didn't like that I wouldn't turn down a gig if they wanted to see me or had nights when I was unavailable in advance (what if they wanted to do something?) And c) didn't like the fact my bandmates were male. They also assumed I'd get hit on loads, which I didn't.
Some were either critical of my career; felt inconvenienced by my career (eg again, there are nights I'm unavailable due to work commitments or busy times of year where deadlines mean my home workload increases). Women are expected to just accept that men's work will encroach on their homelife/non work time. Women are often expected to prioritise the relationship. I was accused of putting work above them. In reality, I work reqsonably long hours at work so that I need to bring very little home because I don't want it to encroach on my home life either!
And men who felt threatened (emasculated) that I outearned them. Like I say, I'm not a high earner, but above the national average which means that, inevitably, I earnt more than some of them. They judged themselves far more harshly than I ever would have (didn't judge them at all) projected massively.
And then men who didn't like that I had a degree or a Masters. Or that I got a higher class of degree than them. Unfortunately, my mum's assertion that many men don't like intelligent women turned out to be fairly accurate. Many of them like to be respected for their opinions or position of authority and don't like it if you challenge them or share alternative positions especially if you can support/evidence them robustly. It makes them feel stupid and a lot of men don't like it when a woman makes them feel stupid.
In my personal experience, men who are high(er) earners become used to there being a low(er) earning women who is able to facilitate it. Many of them don't like it if you're also 'tied up with work'. I find it also inflates their sense of self importance and they are less willing to participate in things like running the house or seeing a partner as an equal. My ex husband was a far nicer man when he was in lower status/lower paid roles than when he rose through the ranks and treated home like an extension of the workplace he managed...
My partner has a job that brings in slightly less money than me but also has far more agreeable working hours so he also does the lions share of the housework - cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, gardening etc so that the time we have together can be spent together. He's lovely and completely without ego.