How do you cope with having to 'pretend' you like your DHs family?!

[Disenchanted]

Ive had it with his.

Particulartly his mum and sister but also his Dad to a degree.

His mum and Dad are seperated and his dad has a new GF and a baby on the way. The last time we were invited to his was last June, we used to go all the time but it stopped.Now he only invited DH out, takes him for meals, cinema ect and leaves us (hello ... wife and kids here too! ) sat at home.

His GF is 7 months pregnant and Ive never sen her bump!

His sister lives abroad, is a snotty cow, ignorant and selfish. She has 3 nephews all under 3 and she has never sent a birthday card, christmas card, letter or anything to them. Shes at home for a week and had been invited to come to softplay with us all but she said she had not recieved a txt that morning (it had been arranged the night before) and she didnt have time to wait around so she went clothes shopping with MIL instead! She hasnt seen the kids in about 8 months!

My MIL is just a snob. She was brought up in council housing the same as all us but somehow she thinks shes better.

She constantly looks down on us but she NICE! its only when her Daughter comes home thta she turns into a complete BITCH.

When they get together they are like the nassty girls in high school. Even DH says so.

She comments on our house being a mess (its not dirty just full! and 2 toddlers!)

And yet Ive seen pics of her house when her kids were young and it was no different! Worse even! Id never put my kids in a bath with black mildew round it like Ive seen in pics!

We are only young, 23, with 2 kids but considering she had 4 by 20! I dont think she can comment!!

The last few days Ive just ignored them, gone upstairs, gone out when they are coming round ect.

I dont see why I should be made to feel like shit in my own home.

When I lived with them DHs sis was always nasty, i thought she would have grown up a bit by now

i TS REALLY GETTING TO ME.

Can you knock the visits on the head? If they disapprove of you, I can't see why they should be welcomed into your house.

My FIL gave DH a hard time about our messy house two years ago. Hasn't set foot across the threshold since, because I won't let him. He can see DH and my DD outside the house, but he's forbidden to come inside.

I did have a very flippant reply for this all lined up, (get drunk and ignore them typ thing) but reading this it really wouldn't help..... (well, it would in the short term..).

I personally think that most people who feel the need to criticise do it because they *themselves feel as tho they are lacking in some way, and so make others feel bad in a perverse kind of way to make them^ feel better, IYGWIM.

plus, they also see themselves thro rose tinted glasses, especially the past! They get thro the early years themselves and then seem to forget how hard it was. And then, make others NOW going thro it feel as tho they are doing it all wrong.......just to ensure their feelings of smug superiority!

at least you can tell yourself that you are the better person here, they are the ones missing out, and if they can only make themselves feel good by being bitches of the highest degree, then underneath they must be very unhappy jealous women.

SIL especially!

she could be jealous that you two have something she wants for herself???

as for FIL....it may be that his new GF, especially being pregnant, is feeling very very insecure herself and doesn;t want to rub the pregnancy into peoples faces. I would feel very uncomfortable myself if I were expecting my first baby with someone who has grandchildren already, and more uncomfy with the older adult children in case of misplaced blame etc, or even jealousy regarding the new sibling they are going to be gaining who will be younger than their own children......do I make sense???

sooo.....ignore you SIL, she is not worth bothering about....she is a sad bitter woman (by the sounds of it), and so not worth thinking about and wasting time over. tis her loss that she hasn;t seen her nephews for so long, and will her nephews suffer because of not seeing someone like that? probably not as they have loving parents.

MIL....if she is nice the rest of the time, then let her get on with it while her daughter is around, and then see her again after....on your terms!

FIL and GF.......leave them for now.....they are trying to become a new family themselves, and when they get into the swing of it all again, they will most likely go back to how they were with you before.

tis hard I know (my dad had a baby with his new wife after I had got married and had my own DD1......made for a very strange time I can tell you), but maybe just send a card/pressie saying you are thinking of them and would love to meet up as soon as she feel comfortable.

You can't pretend. All you can do is be civil. Try to forget about the sister when she is abroad and when she is at home try and avoid her and MIL. If she doesn't want to have anything to do with her nephews then it is her loss. She is the one who is missing out.

i had massive problems with my MIL and SIL, MIL died 2 years ago and SIL remained the same, in fact she got worse so I refuse to have her in my house.

If DH/DC's wants to see her the fine but I will not allow her in my house.
She doesn't bother with my DC's but TBH they have enough people who care about them in their lives without having someone like that around them.

Should have said in answer to your question, I have never pretended to like them I don't see why I should.
I have made my feeligs quite clear in a respectful way and DH totally respects that

hi, i pretended to like my critical, stuck up, nasty MIL for years. Eventually the strain got too much and i told DH the truth about how i feel about his mother. Unfortunatley by that time i was so angry and p**d off with her that i wasn't particularly civil towards DH. Anyway, DH was also shocked at some of the things she had said to me which he hadn't been aware of. He had a word with her and she attempted an apology (was a completely insincere farce of any apology).

Now, DH and MIL both know i have no time for her and will only tolerate her if i have to eg for DD's birthday etc and i feel so much better for having it out in the open. DH is fine with how i feel and that's all that matters in the end to me.

if she was a friend that acted like this you wouldn't waste two minutes cutting her out of your life - some people think that being related gives them free reign to be ignorant and rude.

take a stand, have as little to do with them as possible and explain to dh if he wants to sod off out with his dad he can either take the kids and do something child friendly or he can return the favour by giving you some nights off for cinema/meal with your friends in return

Do you think you could posible be making it worse by leaving/going upstairs etc when they visit you?

My brother's wife does this When we visit (could be my by myself, or with my family, & I have heard it happens when my sisters' visit too)

She doesn't like any of us. She has a large family of her own & invites them to stay (In the family home we grew up in)

Last week when I called to see my brother (he had mended my car & I had a gift for him) my brother' car wasn't there, but SILs was. So I rang the doorbell & I saw her look out from the hallway window.... yet she never opened the door

What I am saying is that it can work both ways. Do you think they mind when you leave the room if they visit?

Sometimes you don't have to be best friends with your DH's family. I simply cannot stand my in-laws - they are very materialistic and snobbish and can't believe DH married little old me.

But...I realised this early on, got the house tidy (nearly up to their ridiculous standards and did the social thing ONCE (bbq) invited them all - smiled sweetly. Then that was it. Yes they could call/ visit if they wanted and again I smile sweetly.

But I have found the visits are manageable about once a month with lots of notice. Protect yourself, harden your heart and keep it civil. You won't be disappointed and so hurt.

Wierdly now that I see them less often, our relationship is much more pleasant.Good luck - really sympathise.

Ha, talking about dysfunctional toxic families...here I go...

My dp's mother died when he was young and the father got a new GF (same circle of friends as late mum who pounced on the opportunity to nail a well off widower). After dp split up from first wife and now I'm there, too and pregnant he still has issues with me and hasn't congratulated either of us on pregnancy, etc.

His GF is a right cow who always knows best and has an opinion on everything and needs to voice it constantly. She tells my dp how to parent his kids (my dscs) and reports crap back to ex wife who gets angry by her constant interfering but doesn't dare to say anything back to her. Mind you, that father's GF is the very woman who left her own small kids behind 20 years ago with no contact to run off with a guy she met at work...charming, eh? That woman doesn't need to give any family advice IMO.

We had a family party where my dps dad first ignored and then insulted dp and the GF said: Oh never mind, you know, mustn't grumble. That father always pits his 3 boys (my dps brothers against each other) and watches them argue. It was horrible. My own Mum was there and was shocked.

Anyhoo, the next day he pretended all was jolly good again and tried to drop by and invite himself for coffee with GF. Didn't even call to warn us he was coming.

a) I didn't open the door

b) I told him how angry and hurt we were and that he and his GF can shove the family relations and the relations with my baby straight up his ignorant a*se.

I know it's not polite and hardly helpful but I have suffered his constant sneering and his GFs know-it-better attitude fo 2 years and I've had enough.

Even ex-wife of dp has secretly cheered and laughed and said she'd love to do the same.

The father was shocked how 'aggressive' I was. Uhm, okay, I've tried to smile'n'wave for 2 yrs but now I had had enough. How much putting down can you take?

Disenchanted, sorry for my long post, but what I'm saying is ultimately, there will come a moment when you will say enough is enough. Esp. if you've borne it for quite some time.

TBH, now everyone knows where they stand with me and show more respect and 'stilted', but nevertheless politeness.

WallofSilence, sorry to hear about your experience with your SIL. What a bitch.

I have a similar situation except my child isnt born yet and the thought of them having a claim to my baby makes me really wound up.

I love my MIL but my SIL is a right spiteful selfish cow. stormed out of our wedding etc. FIL is lovely but knows no boundaries, lets himself in the house and inappropriately squeezed my mums bum!

I completely understand the feelings of having to pretend which i do to their face. i have told DH how i feel and he respects and agrees with the observations I have made. But because I love him I just cant face a scene in which I feel he would be put in the middle.

I know that I would be heartbroken if my brothers other half caused a rift on my side so i just darent do it my DH. But the pretence kills me and swallowing comments stick in my throat. what I dont understan is why my SIL is worse and my MIL is lovely. I have a brother and I have no maternal feelings which would make me shun his wife, or make me jealous of her etc? anyone else experience this?

Its getting to you - so it has to be dealt with - life is far too short for you to stressed and anxious about people who add no value to your life. You seem to have your DHs support , so sit down and agree an approach as regards to "rules" or your tolerances for contact.
There will be no need to be nasty to your ILs , just firm civility. Just because people are family doesnt mean you have to suffer stress from them.

I do sympathise, I had 2 years of crap from SIL until (when she verbally abused my DSD in a shocking fashion - a 20 minute vile poisonous rant) then DH really realised how bad the issue was. Numerous other incidents - too much to mention.

We have told DHs sister that we want absolutely no contact from her except when it is a family occasion run by DHs parents.
As they are elderly we have no wish to upset them unduly.

However we have had numerous parties etc at our home in the past year and SIL is not welcome. More to come this summer ( various celebrations all landing in the same 13 month period !!) and SIL is still not welcome.

DH politely told FIL when challenged why his sister is being excluded "that it was none of his business - we have discussed the difficulties directly with XXX and she understands why she is not welcome"

It is of course not ideal - but as other posters have highlighted too - life rarely is ......
good luck ...... I do know how stressful these things can be..... I also know from experience that not tackling them can make things worse ...