How to deal with new partner's ex

[Stiddy]

Hello All - I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with my new partner and his relationship with his ex-wife. They split about a year and a half ago and I am the first person he has been in a relationship with since their split (which was initiated by his ex).

One of the first things he admitted was that he wasnt sure how to broach the subject of us with his ex, something i found a little strange but they have a 7 yr old son together so I guess she has a right to worry.

She apparently told him when he mentioned he was dating somebody that he was impressionable and she was concerned he would end up being manipulated by a new partner. I was a little offended that she might think this given she's never met me but i understand she is protective of the relationship between her son and his dad.

My partner and his ex seem to have quite a close relationship and I am starting to feel that she controls my partner's movements and time using her son. She has told him that because of her work (self-employed private investigator) that he must be ready always to take their son at the last minute if she has cases to work, rather than them having a fixed custody arrangement. If he refuses to do so, then she has said she will move back up north to be around her family.

As a result of this, I feel rather like an afterthought in this guy's life. I also have kids and an ex (who i also get on fine with) but I have been careful to maintain boundaries with my ex and try to plan ahead to be sure that I can enjoy the two nights per week I am not with them. My new partner drops everything to make time for his ex (and completely understandably for his little boy) but I feel like i am left with the breadcrumbs of his time.

On Valentines Day, I heard nothing from my partner for the entire day. Given it was our first Valentine's Day and the next day we had arranged to go away for a weekend together (he was already away for work and invited me) I was upset. He texted me late that night to tell me his ex-wife had had a sudden bad reaction to medicine combinations and he had to rush over there to take care of her and watch their son. I already hadnt seen him for 2 weeks prior to that because of his family commitments (skiing/childcare/work etc) and so this felt like the icing on the cake.

My sister says I am being too paranoid and needy but i feel taken for granted and i am getting such mixed messages from this guy who texts me 5 times a day but never seems to have time to see me unless he has squeezed me into his schedule last minute.

When i talk to him he cannot stress enough that there are no residual feelings and yet he spent part of a dinner on our weekend away listing how when they first met she was the perfect woman (intellligent, sexy, great in bed, full of character) when all i really wanted was to spend time focused on us for a bit!

Please please tell me if Im overthinking or whether i should just cut him loose or pull back until he has worked out what he wants?? Even reading this back I feel like an idiot but i love him and I am so afraid of getting hurt.

How new is the relationship? You seem to have fallen pretty quick.

He sounds somewhat still intertwined with his ex.

Excuses made for valentines?

Has he told her he's in a new relationship to make her jealous? 🤷‍♀️

Walk away.

their set up works for them, but it doesn’t work for you

He's not a partner, he's barely a boyfriend, and the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Too much faff and baggage. Walk away now and save yourself from wasting valuable time on a flake.

When i talk to him he cannot stress enough that there are no residual feelings and yet he spent part of a dinner on our weekend away listing how when they first met she was the perfect woman (intellligent, sexy, great in bed, full of character) when all i really wanted was to spend time focused on us for a bit!

In what universe does he think you want to hear any of this shit? What a fuckwit. He must have near zero emotional intelligence.

Dump and run

As a private investigator, surely her work is extremely variable? And he has to have their son whenever she needs to work? How the hell is that ever going to be compatible with him having a life? Unless he only has a life during school hours and never in school holidays, he's always going to have to be around in case she suddenly drops their son on him.

And I didn't like the 'have your son whenever I tell you, or I'll take him away' that she's threatened. That means he's always going to jump when she says so, for fear of losing his son. It's only right that you come second to his child, but the arrangement seems so loose and so her-dependent, that I don't think he could ever be a reliable partner for you.

And I didn't like the 'have your son whenever I tell you, or I'll take him away' that she's threatened. That means he's always going to jump when she says so, for fear of losing his son. It's only right that you come second to his child, but the arrangement seems so loose and so her-dependent, that I don't think he could ever be a reliable partner for you.

Exactly this, so not just your boyfriend's life, but your life will revolve around this woman's demands, and you will always come in dead last.

Sounds like breadcrumbs from him.

She is right. He is easy to manipulate. She should know- as she is doing exactly that. Sounds like she doesn’t want anyone taking control of her on call child care.

I would have ditched him on Valentine's Day, how convenient that the ex should mix up her medication on that day. That would be took much shit to put up with for me. He's going to need to date a few more people before he gets the message that the current situation isn't going to work, that's if he ever does!

Cut this one loose!

He's always going to be at his ex's beck and call. You'll have no relationship at all.

Thank you guys so much. Well it sucks to hear it but the consensus seems to be pretty overwhelming and reflects what i was feeling myself. I am very grateful that this this little community of ladies is here backing each other up as I didnt really have anyone to speak to about this - big hugs everyone xx

He’s not giving you much is he? And waiting for two weeks to see because of his other commitments? I don’t see the point myself.

This sounds exhausting OP. The part about not being sure how to broach the subject of a new partner I can understand. I'm in the same situation with a difficult exH. I will tell him of my new partner when we're far enough down the line to be sure it is a long term thing. No point adding drama before that and until I get to the point of introducing my partner to my children then I feel no need for my exH to know that I am involved with someone new.

The flaky schedule and being at her beck and call would bother me greatly though. And not getting in touch on Valentine's Day is just rubbish. He could at least have sent you a nice message, letting you know he was thinking of you, looking forward to your weekend away etc.

"On Valentines Day, I heard nothing from my partner for the entire day. He texted me late that night to tell me his ex-wife had had a sudden bad reaction to medicine combinations and he had to rush over there to take care of her and watch their son."

Oh how convenient that his ex fell poorly on Valentines Day of all days. Also, why on earth would he have to go and take care of her??? If my DPs ex was poorly he would absolutely go and pick his daughter up but he wouldn't be going and nursing his ex!!! WTAF?!

Get out of this mess now before it gets any worse.

Ha, you're not wrong.

What she means is she doesn't want SOMEONE ELSE manipulating him, because while she doesn't want him, he's pretty useful for childcare & nursing.

Honestly, can you even be arsed to get involved in this tomfoolery OP?

He spent part* of a dinner on our weekend away listing how when they met she was the perfect woman (intelligent, sexy, great in bed, full of character).*

I would probably have ended things shortly after hearing this!

Are you sure he's not actually still in the relationship but having an affair??

I have been in a very similar relationship OP. Very nice man but far too enmeshed with his ex. I ended things eventually after trying to talk to him multiple times and eventually her. All blew up and I wished I had ended things much sooner.

It is hard to rework your relationship when splitting up with children and I agree with you, his boundaries need a lot of work. Probably once she finds a long term partner things would improve (which in itself is annoying) but I wouldn’t be taking that risk if I was you.

Good luck x

How long have you been with him? You seem to say on one hand he’s a new partner, I’m not even sure what that is, when do they become partner, and on the other say you love him. But you can’t know him very well at all.

he’s choosing not to see you or prioritise you, possibly as it’s early days, and that’s fine, but you’re all I love him, so this is hugely mismatched.

Does she know that they split up a year and a half ago? It sounds more like a lot of tall tales from a married man who spent Valentines day with his wife.

This comes across badly to me. They've barely just split up and they have a kid. Of course he still priorities his family. You can't seriously expect him to put you first.

His ex has every right to be protective, of course.

You're a third wheel here. Walk away, don't get involved. Don't be the jealous new woman. Family will always come first, and rightly so

I'm aware that internet forums constantly use "dump" as an answer and it seems posters are blamed for this, however it's often that people posting such situations are very much posting because their gut is telling them something is off.

Personally, when I read your post, I see a pretty problematic ex, potentially a manipulative ex as well, who doesn't want him, but wants to throw spanners in the works for anyone else on the scene. On top of that is a guy who probably wants to move on, but has no desire to put any boundaries in place with said ex and as a result the new partner suffers.

My opinion is to walk away. People have baggage and that's fair enough, it's how they handle that baggage and how much of it bleeds into your life that matters, and apparently it's bleeding into your life a lot.

My ex had a "coparenting arrangement" with ex...over a dog of all of things. I didn't actually want anything to do with his ex but she was coming over to the house, holding us up because she was dropping the dog off and was late, he was going over there etc etc. Then it was "oh i'm working at my ex's for the day while my car is in the garage because the garage is near her house".
I too got the "nothing is going on" and the "I need to careful how I broach it" when we got together. That's all fine and good but to be honest, in hindsight, it was actually not MY problem and I should have walked away from it.

It was what suited him though so he had absolutely no desire whatsoever to change anything for me and told me so. I didn't like it, didn't feel comfortable with it and it made me feel like shit, but I ignored it. Wish I hadn't. Won't ever do it again.

I don't "do" complicated entanglements with ex's anymore. If it's a functional and un-messy relationship with the ex for whatever reason that I consider justified then great, but if it's this mess of catering to an ex, and ex's feeling a way about new partners then forget it. Her job isn't your problem, his lack of boundaries with her isn't your problem, I call bullshit on her excuses for pulling him back into the family unit and I call bullshit on his excuses for allowing it.

You can either fit another person into your life, or you can't, and he has shown ample evidence that he can't, and you shouldn't be made to feel responsible for issues going on in his life with his ex.

That is my justification for why I think you should walk away. Plus, if i'm being really sus about it, if she's actually a bit of a bunny boiler and a PI to boot I'd be running for the fucking hills before I found myself being tailed going to work, the supermarket and home again. Noooo thank you!

roses321 said it all.
You don't have to deal with the ex. You have to deal with him and he's not shaping up.

Cake and eat it man.