Friend and Cocaine

[Cocainenightmare]

Just need some outside perspective on this.

My oldest dearest friend, whom I've known for over 35 years is on a mission to self destruct and I don't have the faintest idea what to do.

She's always been a bit wild, has always had dreadful taste in men and basically is a shit show BUT she has always been lovely, funny, caring, kind and fantastic company. Ive known she likes to do the odd line here and there but its got out of hand now. I have asked her outright a few times if she has a cocaine problem and she just lies to me and says she can't do it as she can't afford it. I found out last night that it is indeed a problem for her and she is doing it pretty much every day. She has severe money problems and is in danger of losing the rented house she is in and her credit rating is so screwed now I don't know how she is going to be able rent anywhere else. Its got to the point when her behaviour is so odd and erratic that no one wants to socialise with her, and we feel like we are having to hide going out because she gets upset that she doesn't get invited.

My plan is this.....I am going to go round and see her but not tell her I'm coming and I am going to ask her again if she has a problem. When she denies it, which I know she will, I am going to have to man up and tell her I know she's lying and explain to her that her behaviour is so odd and aggressive and the reason she doesn't get invited is because no one wants her there. I feel absolutely awful at the thought of saying that to her, but her lifestyle and behaviour is starting to impact me now. I know she is hoping I will let her move in with me if she gets kicked out of her house, but no way am I allowing that to happen. She will literally have nowhere to go.

She is in danger of losing her house, her job, her young adult daughter, her friends and she is going to be left with nothing. I love her dearly and I feel as a good friend I need to at least try before I wash my hands of it all but does this sound like a kind thing to do, or can anyone suggest anything other than my plan? I suspect she is going to get really angry when I confront her about this and kick off, but once I've said my piece I will just tell her if she does not admit she has a problem then I can't be around her until she sorts herself out. It seems cruel but I honestly don't know what else to do.

I really am at my wits end with her. So much more has gone on but the above is the crux of it.

The best you can do as her friend is to say all that to her. Perhaps look into where she can get help from and pass her the info too to really hammer it home that change needs to happen and there is support available.

I live with someone I care a great deal for who has a substance abuse problem and yes I think that is the right approach. I think you can be blunt backed up with kindness. That’s how I usually play it. I love my friend dearly and part of that is being honest with him so I never shied away from telling him where he was heading although I would always try and back it up with a lot of love - as the self hatred can be so strong in people with addiction issues.

So maybe say when she is ready to sort herself out you will help as much as you can, but you know you cannot save her or make her want to save herself. And tbh when someone makes that decision (as my friend did) you can help out but you really can’t do a thing before, you can’t prevent a crisis or be a saviour.

Is her daughter well supported? It might be worth talking to her as well?

And yes good point from previous poster - there is help available for those who want it. So it would be worth looking up information to leave with her. It needs to be her decision to engage though.

It's a cliché but you can only help those who want to help themselves.

@BelindaOkra I took her daughter out to dinner last night. Her mum knew I was taking her (and not very happy about it) and warned her not to say anything to me that she sees as throwing her under the bus.I have told her daughter she can talk to me anytime about anything so I will support her as much as I can.

I have looked into where she can get help and tell her if she wants to stop she needs to see her doctor and go from there. She is going to deny deny deny (she also has a drink problem) so not sure how any of this is going to go down but I feel I need to at least try once more.

I think doing what you feel you need to is important for your own sanity. I know there were certain things I needed to say and do so that if my friend died I would know I had tried.

Shame drives the lying and hiding. It’s such a sad situation.

You're a very good friend.

I think you are definitely doing the right thing and I think you've got to use this opportunity to be very blunt with her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that she is not fooling you or any of her other friends, but only herself etc.

Good luck.

You sound like a really good friend. Without some fairly serious professional support/ intervention I think it's unlikely she can help herself. 💐

You’re a good friend and you’re doing the right thing. Ultimately she had to admit her problem and be ready to accept help.

My friend passed away last week. We believe it was a cocktail of prescription meds, cocaine and alcohol. She told everyone she was clean but obviously that wasn’t true.

Yes your plan is good and yes the above posters are right, she will not change until she is ready to and wants to. You can hope your words will help move her towards that realisation.

Op, I had a friend with a similar problem (drink, drugs, you name it). I had helped her out countless times with her ds, her relationship, her home situation but eventually it got to a point where she did coke on a visit to my house and after that I had a VERY hard word with her. I said everything you talk about in your first post, down to signposting support.

She went mental. How could I possibly say all that, call myself a friend etc etc. We went no contact very shortly after. Ultimately, the drink and drugs overwhelmed her, she lost her DC, her family, her home and eventually her life. It was heartbreaking - she had been such a good friend, and I felt I had let her down.

But I had done my best to support her beforehand, and when she got to crisis. She trampled all over my boundaries. Her addictions were not my fault, they were not my responsibility. Her story is tragic, and I've asked myself so many times should I have had that final conversation with her. Each and every time I conclude that, as a friend, I would have that conversation again.

You can't let her continue. You CAN be there for her daughter, and to signpost her to the gp, housing support (not in your home), financial support. But it HAS to come from her in the end.

I feel for you op, I really do.

@SamW98 I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Hope you're doing ok.

That's what I fear for her, she's not going to see many more years if she doesn't change her lifestyle.

Thanks everyone, at least I know I'm definitely doing the right thing by confronting her about it.

@BloodyAdultDC I'm so sorry to hear about your friend too. She sounds like a mirror image of my friend.

You tried, you could do no more