I honestly think my marriage may well be over.(Bit of a rant)

[fedupandisolated]

I have posted before about my DH addiction to chatlines but I am not sure I can overcome MY feelings about it all.

I left nearly three weeks ago and at the grand old age of 42 I am now sleeping at my Mum and Dads on the bottom bunk of bunk beds - DS (5) is on the top bunk. There is honestly nothing else to show for 8 years of marriage. We sold our house so DH could start his own business (works in education as a history performer as he is an ex-actor).
We have been renting ever since and the business is only just ticking over - mainly because DH does not believe in marketing - happy for it to be word of mouth which is all very well but I have been paying ALL the bills for nearly 4 years now.

I am in Essex now and DH remains in Somerset. He is professing to miss DS a great deal and yet despite the fact that his last working day is Thursday this week he will not be making the journey to Essex until the following Monday. Why? Because he had an "end of winter" party planned which I told him to cancel as it was going to cost alot of money which we did not have.
In cancelling it he sent an e-mail to several friends who had accommodation booked and suggested that they "come down anyway and help cheer me up".
I am amazed that he will sit down there in need of "cheering up" when he could get in the car and see his son (who by Friday he will not have seen for well over two weeks).

He says he still loves me and that he is missing me and DS "soooo much". Despite that DS did not get an Easter Egg from him - he has made no effort towards me either. I just cannot believe he is serious in his desire to remain with me.
I am so fed up with it all. I have phoned Relate and am going to see them in two weeks time for an assessment visit - DH is welcome to attend as well but will hate it as I have alot of things I need to say about his general lack of effort in our marriage.

I am fed up with making all the effort - I want a man who will treat me like a woman - buy me flowers occasionally for example - DH hasn't even made this effort despite saying he wants a future with me and is willing to do "anything".

I am so angry with him but how do I say all these things over the phone? I cannot even say "I love you" to him now even though he tells me this twice a day over the phone.
All he says is "you sound pissed off I thought I'd done something wrong again"!!

Just how plain do I have to make everything for this man - is he THICK? Whjere do I bloody well start - actions speak louder than words - he is making no fecking effort at all. What is the bloody point? I am making a future for me and DS - I am not sure that this future will include DH except in access to DS.

Sorry I am ranting but all this is really getting to me. I really need the silly bastard up here so I can tell him to his face how much I hate him at the moment - even if we do have a laugh and we can be civil - that doesn't make a marriage.

I won't go on about my desire to NEVER have sex with him EVER again.

If you are who I think you are, then this has been going on for years. Time to make a stand.

I haven't a clue who you are, but I live with my parents and my children. I'm 38, so you're not the only one. I have been happier since I just cut the cord. My ex was never going to measure up. He never made a single compromise, certainly never a sacrafice!

Leave, start again. YOu will be happier.

It HAS been going on for years - but I only found out 7 months ago.

Hi fedupandisolated just wanted to let you know you have a listener to your rant and I'm sure many more will be along soon to support you. Know how you feel and you have been extremely patient but you sound like you are ready to explode at him and if he can't see what he is doing wrong then he deserves it.

Sorry you are not who I thought you were.

I am certainly happier now I am at my Mum and Dads. The house is tiny (a mobile home) but it's warm, comfortable and my parents are fantastically supportive. I am so lucky.

It's just when I think about my DH that I get angry.

Morning. Sorry you are having a rough time. I don't know about the history but some thoughts here:

Imagine him posting.

She left me three weeks ago to go to her parents and took our five year old with her. I phone her twice a day and tell her I love her but she just sounds pissed off. She doesn't seem to be making any effort to come home for Easter. I have told her how much I'm missing my son but she doesn't seem to plan to come home so I can spend time with him.

Go home today. Talk talk talk and then talk some more. Divorce is grim grim grim - 1,000,000 times more uncomfortable than a bunk bed.

Your situation sounds a little like mine.

You need to get some perspective. For years my parents begged me to come and live with them, because they knew I was unhappy and that my ex was not a great man to live with.

I was reluctant to leave for stupid reasons. I liked the Victorian house on our leafy street in fashionable suburb of London. Liked all my local friends. Liked the local shps. LIKED everything about my life except him. So I thought I could get by, carry on, just tolerating him.

But it didn't work. I read somewhere recently, too much sacrafice can turn a warm heart to stone. That's what nearly happened to me.

Once you make the decision to leave, and end it once and for all and tell everybody, you will have to deal with awkward questions, pity, shock, questions about your future that you haven't even had time to consider!!
But leave. Your life can start again.

Like I said, I live with my parents at 38 and everybody has been so kind and helpful to me. NObody judges me. I think people all know that people have different sh1t thrown at them in their life, and right now, this is my sh1t!

Every night I climb into my bed in my old bedroom. I feel oddly content for somebody who lives at home with their parents. I do 90% of the parenting, but my parents do help. They help more willingly and are more affectionate and patient with my children than my ex was.

I am re-building my life. I'll be honest, I walk past other people's houses and gaze in with longing. When people tell me they can#t afford to get their attic done I have to sit on my feelings of jealousy that they have a lovely house never mind an attic!!

BUT, I can't say this loudly enough, despite not having a pot to piss in, I am about ten times happier than I was this time last year. Maybe twenty times.

I've just read the last post (before mine) and although divorce is a horrible chapter of your life, sometimes it's inevitable. Youn can't continue to be unhappy just because divorce is hard. Bloody hell, being miserable with no chink of light is hard!!!

I'm not saying you should remain terribly unhappy - I'm saying go home and at least try and sort things out. He's your husband, the father of your child and you are his wife, the mother of his child.

Some couples do manage to weather tough times and emerge stronger and closer.

Thanks folks. Swedes you are quite right - divorce is grim. I speak as the product of parents who went through an acrimonious divorce when I was 5 - just about the last thing I want for DS.
On the other hand DH has been making no effort for years now and I am fed up with it. I can't just go home as I have just settled DS into a new school - DH needs to come to us..... and he could have come for Easter but decided not to. I did invite him and he could have stayed with his parents who live 20 mins away and seen DS every day - he did not take this opportunity and to be honest it just sums him up completely. He really is Mr "Make no effort if I don't have to".

We DO get on well - he makes me laugh and we can have a good time in each other's company. I cannot get over this betrayel though - he was ringing adult chatlines - they were contact lines. He swears on his mother's and everyone elses life that he hasn't met up with anyone. I cannot cope with it though and am not sure if I believe him.

You are also right in saying that his impression is that I have gone off and do not even say "I love you" even though he tells me that everyday. However, if anything it tells me that I need to be honest with him and say "fight for me - prove that you love me and DS - make some bloody effort for fecks sake"

Talk is cheap. He needs to show you he loves you and your son and is willing to try and fight for you or at least listen.