Taking sentimental items after one parent passes away

[Ellisand]

My DM passed away a few years ago and DF still lives in the large family home with no plans to downsize. He is early 70s and now dating but if he did find another partner I expect he would move them in rather than sell up.

My sister and I were each given some of DMs jewellery and donated most of her clothes. But there is still lots of DMs personal and family stuff in the house. When my sister visits DF she often takes things home with her. Last week it was a packet of old letters of our mum's mum (our GM). I don't know if she considers the letters to now belong to her but I expect that will be the result. I have found it too soon to take anything or maybe am just afraid of potential conflict.

What happened in your family to the things that are more relevant to you and your sibs than the surviving parent? Did they just trickle out like this or at what point did you make a decision to divide them up?

I'd ask your dad outright if he minds if you take some sentimental stuff home. He may be happy for you

...for you to & if not, it will open a discussion. Otherwise sounds like your sis will take everything.

My dad gave me my mum's jewellery after she died but other than the wedding ring which was taken off before they buried her & handed to me over the dinner table, I didn't take her other few rings home with me. Then a year later my dad died unexpectedly. I did take them from the house then as didn't want them going into the communal pot to haggle with my brothers over. They're not worth a great deal but I would have been annoyed to have lost them to injustice!

Different as we did this after my Mum moved out into a care home, but db and I basically went through things and sort of divided up what we each wanted. When there was something we both wanted, I feel that we both tried to be kind and generous to the other and make sure that the “right” person got the item, so it was all very evenly shared.

Your sister shouldn’t be taking things without talking to you. Both of you should maybe chat with your Dad about having some personal things each that belonged to your Mum or Grandmother. Then all of you decide who should have what.

If you think there is any chance the stuff may be discarded by a new partner then I would start working out what you want to rescue. A lot of my great grandmothers belongings where lost when there was a remarriage.
Are these things worth money or just sentimental? Do you mind your sister brining things to her house? Is you dad likely to miss these things?

My grandmother gave us all sorts of things in the last few years. Once she got to 85 she would collect things up that she wanted each of us to have, and we got a bag of things each time we visited! Most times with a story about why the item was connected to us. She also asked if there was anything we particularly wanted and gave us that too. It meant that there wasn't anything left of sentimental or personal value by the time she did die.

Well really you have to discuss this with your Dad. There are children out their who just help themselves to their parents' belongings as they age. It is very disrespectful.

I'm an only child so maybe a bit different, but Mum has given me some things both precious and mundane (Dad's fountain pens, his dressing gown, a couple of ornamental things I always loved that were his) and I've taken whatever I've needed from his workshop in the garage and just let her know - but we talked about it first. I didn't want to take anything that was especially sentimental for Mum, but it's nice to have some of Dad's things in my home too.

If I had siblings I'd want us all to talk to the surviving parent together, I think it's a reasonable request to have some of your Mum and grandma's things but it should be equal between siblings I think!

My father would periodically offer up items he was ready to discard. Once he was moving in with a girlfriend, those offers came very quickly and in bulk.

we had to act fast to secure some fragile a difficult to transport items that I had previously suggested we might take at more convenient times. I could see that the purge was coming and wanted things like my mother’s china, despite living 16 hours away. Instead of being able to pack and transport it myself, I paid an extortionate fee to have it professionally crated and shipped because when he was finally ready, he wanted it gone immediately.

that is the problem, as much as they are your mementos, they are his mementos too. You want to push for practicality and to protect certain items, but not too hard because he shouldn’t have to give up reminders. When elderly men move on though, they don’t waste time.

Most likely your Dad is pleased to see his daughters value old letters and personal items. Ask him.
Commend your sister for saving the letters from being cleared out as old rubbish.
I advise having a system of large plastic tubs with lids.
Anything removed you and your sister could store in a tub to share and look at. Photograph the items, make a list in a book of what is in each tub and label the items. (eg. leters from Mum to XX)
Later on you and your sister might decide that you will use and keep some of the useful stuff rather than storing it in a tub..
It's great that you are goingthrough things with your Dad and remembering precious times.

If your sister is taking things without telling your dad she is stealing from him. At the very least it warrants a conversation - perhaps along the lines of, ‘Dad, can we take a look through mum’s stuff to see if there’s anything sentimental or precious to us?’ And then do it together. He might not actually be ready or want that, in which case you respect his wishes, but on the other hand he may and would value the help.

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few questions, she does ask my DF, but usually only tells me after. The times she has asked it's been small things that I had no issue with her taking. I am not thrilled if it continues in an unbalanced way but not sure if I want to open up a talk as it could go badly. There are some things I would be devastated if she took but don't want to ask for them myself right now. That's why I wondered what other people did. When there is the pressure of clearing a house you have to just make hard decisions but in this case I feel like there might be years of potential for tension.