Hi mums
I'd like your opinion on a recent event, AIBU to think we are not the priority and we're just not a partnership?
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10
We have a 3yo DS and 2yo DD
Since DS was born, outside of our 2 family holidays, DH has been away with friends twice and on 2 stag dos.
I've had a grand total of 5 nights away from the family home, which were 2 weekends and 1 night for a wedding (my best friend, I was bridesmaid, DH was invited but the kids were poorly so he stayed home)
Well, we're both now working full time, and we're trying to do our family events (holidays, trips, days out) on times when our childminder is on holiday - for 2 reasons, 1 because we only have limited annual leave and 2 because we pay 50% of the childcare costs if either childminder or we are on holiday so we're trying to be smart with money
There are weeks in May, July and August when she's away and we'd discussed going away in May as it's quite a bit cheaper.
DH told me that this was his week to go away with the lads for a sporting event
I asked if they could go to another fixture of said event, of which there are several in Europe
I was told no because the other 2 wanted to go during this week although nothing was booked.
He started to get shouty and mean (this is a frequent occurrence) so I dropped it
We discussed it again and I asked the same, with the same reaction
Then when it came to booking, DH looked at the July week, when he exclaimed 'why is it SO expensive?'
I explained that the summer holidays are 2-3x more expensive and that's why I wanted to go in May
He said I should have said before, when I explained that I did, twice, but he didn't want to hear it. He denied all memory of the conversations.
It went from bad to worse and I was told 'you always have a problem when I want to go away', which isn't true, and is not true this time - I just want him to go a different week, I'm very happy for him to go. Side note he's a chronic depression sufferer so he does need these times away, and I've pushed him to go to the gym as it helps him feel good and he refuses to medicate, on a weekly basis I make sure he has some sort of social event, too, which is usually just going to the pub with a friend
He told me he only said this as a knee jerk reaction and he knows it's not true, but he says it often. I feel gaslit.
I told him the fact that he prioritises his lads holiday over our family one makes me feel like the kids and me aren't important to him
He suggested we go in the UK again this year - I said no, as I've not been abroad since 2020, the kids have never been and I've been telling DS we will be going on a plane this year so I'm not letting him down, and I am desperate for some sun and to get away
Anyway it blew up, he talked over me the whole time and really belittled me
The holiday did get booked at a later date when we had both calmed down, in July, is hideously expensive and has gone on DHs credit card (I said I'm not paying for it because it's essentially me funding his lads holiday which I'm not doing due to the above circumstances)
Related to this - he is frequently disrespectful, tries to silence me and doesn't let me have a say when we have a disagreement, always talks over me and when he's drunk has on many many occasions been incredibly mean to me, just lately about my dad's cancer and being so horrid about it
He also belittles my contribution to the family - I was a high earner before the kids, took time out due to covid limiting maternity leave activities and he absolutely lost respect for me when I wasn't bringing in the money. I now earn approx half what I did before and am limited on what I can do due to childcare pick up and drop off (yes I do all of it all the time)
We do fine for money but admittedly have a large mortgage and childcare for 2 young ones is expensive too so money needs to be carefully considered until the new free childcare for 2yo comes in and the eldest starts school
AIBU to be hurt and actually quite angry about this latest spat? I feel as though I'm that little donkey in buckaroo where this is the last thing on my back and I'm bucking out now, why is he so willing to let down the kids and me, in favour of a lads holiday?
The way he speaks to me is disgusting and I hate that the kids see it, I don't want them to see it as normal or acceptable
What would you do in my situation?
TIA