Narc ex having therapy wants me to go along!

[NarcissistStrike]

I'm not qualified to diagnose and I do not usually label people. This man though was a textbook narcissist.

In September I met a man, things moved too quickly, by Christmas he wanted to marry me. There were red flags all over the place.
So I ditched him.

One of my parting shots to him was to tell him that he needs help.

He said he had left his ex wife and that they were divorcing. They definitely live apart and had done for at least three months before I met him Rightmove sleuthing is how I am sure.--

I'm not as sure about the divorcing, his (ex) wife definitely wanted to get back with him, he showed me the texts, I heard the calls.
Honestly I felt for her, it was pitiful.
IMO he was still keeping her around just in case.

There was a lot of wrangling between them about when he could see his DCs they are all teens, that may not have been him, or the ex wife, it could have been that teens have complicated schedules. I really don't know.

Now he is back in touch with me of course he is and plot twist! He is seeing a psychoanalyst, worse he wants me to go with him to one session to talk things through.
No!
We were together for all of three months.
I didn't especially like him anyway.

My real questions:
Doesn't therapy make narcissists worse? Or have I imagined that?
Am I correct in that I shouldn't go to the therapist with him? If I did I would be unflinchingly honest.

You shouldn’t go because he is your ex of three months, you have no issues (eg shared kids) that you have to work out and you have better things to do with your time, like watching grass grow.

The narcissism is neither here nor there given the above, but it’s another reason, if you like.

You shouldn’t be in touch with him or entertaining his nonsense.

Absolutely don't go with him. Also, block him. There's no need for him to be contacting you.

I think therapy only works if you're open and honest with your therapist and willing to take accountability for your behaviour, which narcissists rarely do. My DHs ex allegedly had therapy after they split and she is no less of a crackpot. She tells so many lies that I think she actually starts to believe them so I assume her therapist would have been giving her advice based on her made up narratives which of course is pointless.

But, this guy is no longer your problem and you're well shot so get him blocked and forget about him.

Blocked his number when I first put a stop to it, unfortunately I can't block his emails.

My fear is that if I block his emails too he can come to my house. He never came here, he knows I live in a hamlet and he knows my car. I am easy enough to find.

Given the choice I would prefer to send an email back in three days time, with a firm absolutely not. Than for him to turn up on my doorstep.

Do not go to therapy with him. He probably wants you to go so that he can spin a narrative that says "See Mr/Ms Therapist, this woman is the source of all the problems in our relationship. It's not my fault, don't you agree?" and he may be so charming and persuasive as narcissists can be, that the therapist may well agree with him, and you will leave feeling like crap, with your brain completely scrambled. Definitely do not go to therapy with him.

You only met him in September of last year ?
Good lord
Block him and move on

IF he turns up at your door after blocking his emails
Tell him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone
Any funny business after that log it with the police

Three months? You shouldn't even be spending energy thinking about him, let alone considering goi g to therapy with him.

Set up your emails so his are spam and go straight to your spam folder and automatically delete, they don't even have to hit your inbox.

It's not up to you to help him out with his problems even if it were to help, which is doubtful. You were a bit player in his whole life of shit. This will just be a ploy to see you again with the hope he can suck you in.

I had a similar experience, my narcissistic ex want me to be involved in his therapy too...like you I don't like to label, but all the traits were there. I'd been with him for nearly 5 years ...the weight off from him not being in my life anymore is amazing!

I blocked him on all channels, and he did turn up at the house a few times, but I just didn't engage or let him in. I let my neighbours know what was happening, and they were brilliant. They saw him come and go and were on the phone to check I was ok!

Had it gone further I would have had a ring doorbell put in and involved the police. Narcissists want control, and so there is no point entering into any conversation. I was certainly not getting involved in his therapy.

I also know people wo have been involved with a narcissist that do loads of research and narcissism...I couldn't be bothered to do that either as that feels like they have controlled an element of your life too. I know enough to spot the signs so I don't end up in a similar situation again. Good luck op!

You can delete or archive his emails without reading them and not respond. I would suggest this. Ring doorbell if you're concerned about an ex going coming round uninvited and police if he actually does. Obviously you do not get involved in this. Stop entertaining him. Why personality disorder you have decided he has is irrelevant, this still stands.

No. No. No. And for absolute clarity - absolutley NO.

Whatever his diagnosis. Whatever his history. Whether or not therapy would be appropriate for him.

You were acquainted for 3 months - ships that pass in the night -you owe him nothing.

Tell him No, wish him well and give no reasons and ask him not to contact you again.

The hoovering has begun! You can just block his email address or have his emails sent directly to spam, but I would, for the exclusion of all doubt, reply and say, ‘Thank you for your email. No, I would not like to participate in a therapy session and am not interested in any further communication with you. Goodbye and good luck.’

I attempted counselling with my controlling ex-husband in the vain hope it would save our marriage.
It was futile, of course; at the first session all he said was "It's all her fault."
No point. And even more so if you're no longer in a relationship!

As soon as I read his email, my feeling was that absolutely do not want to go to therapy with him.
I would like to hope that therapy will help him, though I don't think it will for one second.

My reason for asking on here is that I wanted to be sure that not going is the right thing to do.

Yes I was only with therapy man for three months, which is one of the reasons I feel that this is so ridiculous.

In December I ended it. He hassled me for a few weeks afterwards, then he got the message. Since then he was blissfully silent for 5 weeks.

Of course, he is telling me that I am the love of his life. He doesn't know me, he's not used to people saying no to him and standing by it. Which (I think) is why he wants me back, so he can dump me and feel that he is in control again.

My house has two neighbouring houses. We all get on very well. Next door are an elderly couple, both of them are in poor health, in particular the wife has gone from being a rounder woman to very skinny within six months, I certainly wouldn't want to bring trouble to the neighbourhood. I share a drive-through gate with this couple, I don't want to close the gate in case they need to call an ambulance. This has happened twice recently.

Neighbours on the other end are a young family, I would sound them out about it. I know they would keep an eye out.

Mine is a ring doorbell and as I live in the countryside I have security cameras everywhere, they record so I can see the wildlife at night .

ExH and I get on well and with his family, I have known them all since childhood. ExH knows about therapy man. His family live nearby, they would all help if I needed them.

ExH's DB and wife are having a very rough patch. We are all close. I'm thinking of approaching them to ask if ex BiL would stay with me for a while. If they don't decide to stay apart it would give them breathing room, he would have a comfortable place, there is room for their DCs to stay and I would feel safer while therapy man has his therapy and hopefully gets me out of his system. And I would see more of my DNs.

Didn't mean to post so much, I haven't told many people about therapy man and I am mulling ideas over.

What narcissists usually do if you go to therapy with them is to use the therapy as a stick to beat you with.

Most narcissists see nothing wrong with their own behaviour - they think it's everyone else's fault and won't take responsibility for their actions.

Agree 100%.
You could send one email. No, I am not interested. I do not want to hear from or see you again.
If he then turns up at your house that’s stalking and you call the police.

@MyopicBunny Absolutely 100% accurate.

That's what I thought, though I think he wants to use it to try to get back with me. Nope!

@MyopicBunny it's not stalking. I have already had an informal conversation with our local Police to ask them what if? And when can they act?

As he took a break for 5 weeks and has only sent one email recently which I still haven't replied to if he turned up at my house, it's not stalking. There is no pattern of unwanted or threatening behaviour yet.