Help me help my friend - why is her DP treating her like this?

[pgandsad]

I met a friend of some 20 years after not seeing her for six months - we live in diff cities and me skint and she busy so not easy but finally we met and I am appalled at what she is going through.

About a year ago she finally recovered from debilitating ME following glandular fever and got back on her feet, back to work etc. Her DP was brilliant throughout and her family v supportive so I assumed all was well.

I am very pg at the mo and wanted to see her before I gave birth, also to ask how she felt about children as I always knew she wanted them and her illness affected her fertility.

She started crying - shocking in itself because she is such a stoic - and said that her DP has not slept with her since her recovery and even though she has said in no uncertain terms that she needs sex AND really wants to have a baby - she is 36 - he refuses to talk about it or give her what she wants. He is very withdrawn while she is trying to enjoy her health and new lease of life. They sleep in the same bed but nothing happens. I think he resents her success in her job as he is always making disparaging remarks about it while seemingly contents to have nothing to do with their social life, go places, cinema etc.

We talked for hours and I cant stop thinking about it. She feels unloved and undesirable and I think his behaviour is because he is either depressed or preferred her when she was ill. He is not a very dynamic person and prefers to just come home and be in his own space. The most hurtful thing for her is his refusal to listen to her or try to meet her half way.

She is a beautiful, funny, smart woman who would have no trouble meeting someone else but isnt the type to just give him his marching orders. She would like to get through to him but the constant rejection is getting too much and she is reaching breaking point.

Like I said I am so shocked - I thought she had it all. She is not stupid and knows that her illness probably affected her relationship but reckons she has tried everything to try and get him to take his head out his ass (my term).

So I am wondering if any of you have been in the same boat and have any advice to give. I have already told her that if he will not give her anything she should give him the boot because she deserves better BUT I also tried to get to the bottom of why he is behaving like this if only to make her stop feeling like its something she has done.

Your poor friend.

Sorry, not many ideas to help, but could her dp be struggling to get used to the new re-vitalised friend, and struggling to come to terms with the fact she no longer needs him like she did when she was ill?

Good luck with your new baby when it arrives

This is a difficult one. Thing is, it's very hard to be the carer of someone who is longterm unwell, because when you are the carer, your needs are usually pushed into the background. Then, when the cared-for person gets better, the carer can feel both no longer necessary and very resentful in a 'what-about-ME' sort of way. Not to blame your friend but maybe her DP is feeling something like, now she's well again it's still all about her and no one is asking him what he wants or how he feels. Are you friendly with him at all? Do you know anyone who knows him? Because it's possible that he needs some support rather than having demands made on him, and making him the bad guy is not going to help.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. I know how difficult it is to maintain a relationship with ME, it has cost me, personally, a hell of a lot.
Your friends DP may feel he's redundant now, or maybe that her ME has taken away their loving relationship. ME steals a lot more than people realise and it takes its toll on the loved ones around the sufferer, they can feel so much resentment against the illness as well as the one that suffered the disease. He may not have had the support that he needed and now that she has been lucky enough to have recovered or indeed be in remission, he may think or feel that it's all just been swept under the carpet. ' No one bothers to remember what I had to go through' kind of thing.
I was also a bit surprised that you say her fertility was affected by her ME. As far as I know, it doesn't interfere with fertility itself, although having babies when you have ME can be a nightmare and a half. I have had ME for nearly 9 years and have had a baby since then(and one before).
I hope they sort it all out together. It does sound as though they both need counselling, though perhaps for different reasons and separately.

Thanks for your comments. Believe me, I went all out to try and understand his POV because I have a depressive DP myself. I dont know him that well but she has told me enough about him and his background to let me know there are issues that counselling could help.
Its just getting him there thats the problem, he is so withdrawn and she is getting so resentful now. I know that I would have a terrible time in her situation and that the slightest attempt to meet me half way would make a massive difference.

I wish I COULD talk to him and tell him that he is in danger of losing her if he continues this way. But to do so would be to let him know that the situation has been discussed with me and that would be unacceptable in his eyes.

I think he feels he has lost her already TBH and has resorted to this behaviour as a last resort. There is clearly nothing I can do and I dont feel that the relationship has a chance as it stands unless she is able to get beyond this wall he has put up.

I think, sadly, that there isn't anything you can do apart from listening to her and giving her support (but without criticising her DP). No one can make another person get counselling, they have to choose it for themselves, and maybe he no longer wants to be in the relationship.

Think you may be right Madamez, but he is being selfish denying her the chance to have a child and refusing to even discuss it. He should let her go and find a chance to be happy. Sorry, not being aggressive, just frustrated and sad for my friend.

I appreciate that you are sorry for your friend and loyal to her, but I can;t help feeling a bit sorry for her DP too. Maybe he thinks that having a baby is too much of a risk of her getting unwell again: maybe the poor bloke wants just a little bit of carefree time before having to be a responsible parent after having spent so long being a responsible carer.