Ds and his dad :-(

[userzH]

Posted on AIBU but think it got lost so will try here instead....

Split with his dad in September last year. He's abusive. Police involvement etc. social services too - who are more than happy with me and how I look after ds. It was never about that, just about how to deal with his dad going forward. Ds is 5.

Ex didn't see ds for about 6 weeks after us separating - we were married 6 years. In this time he got himself in a new relationship and moved straight in with her and her kids.

He then wanted to see ds again. I offered him 1 day every other weekend. Seen as he had not bothered with ds at all, I wanted him to build the trust up and then I would possibly be willing to give more contact.

This started in December.

First visit was fine
Second visit he was too hungover to collect ds so I had to drop him off. He then introduced ds to his new partner (they had been together for 4 weeks at this point)

Third and fourth visits were ok - all at her house. Ex has confused the hell out of ds but anyway....

Fifth visit he cancelled as he was taking his girlfriend to London instead. He has ds one night for tea instead for 2 hours.

Sixth visit should have been on Saturday. He cancelled as said he was being sick and his mental health isn't good. Told me he would be in touch - obviously it's only Monday but I haven't heard anything.

In between visits there is zero communication between ds and his dad. Absolutely nothing. I've told ex he is welcome to FaceTime or call whenever however I am not doing it as I want to see that ex is actually interested in ds in order to build the trust up. I also find it incredibly difficult to speak to ex after the last time I saw him which was October. He refused to leave my home and told me he was going to go kill himself and it would be my fault. I have not seen him since and only spoken to him on the phone twice.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm getting to a stage where I feel uncomfortable sending ds at all now. Ds has extreme anxiety and I'm doing my very best to support him. But his dad is extremely selfish and incapable of looking after ds. Equally it's only for 7 hours every 14 days so i don't really know if any extra damage could be caused to ds at this time.

I'm going to wait and see what happens but I just don't know what to do anymore.

He's way behind on maintenance and getting that out of him is a nightmare - I have gone to cms. I've also filed for divorce which he was pressuring me to do yet he hasn't bothered to fill out his part of the paperwork and now the deadline has passed.

Ds loves his dad very much....but his dad doesn't love him back. I'm devastated for ds and I want to try do my all to make sure he isn't damaged any further.

Is it better to still allow that little bit of contact?

I won't be surprised if ex just walks away completely. He has another son who's 9. He decided that he no longer wants to see his dad and ex has done nothing to fight for him and just plays the victim instead.

Thoughts please for a worried mum who just wants to protect her baby

Tell him if he wants to set up a schedule to see him then he can arrange mediation and failing that court.

He has had his chance. Enabling him to do this back and forth will cause your child damage as you can already see.

You are not stopping his dad from seeing him but his dad needs to be the one to lead this. If he doesn't do these things your son will soon get used to how his dad is and accept it. The back and forth and constantly being let down is so much worse.

Take it from the child that's been in this situation.

Are you saying he needs to set up his own schedule to see him? As I've already tried to do that and it's failing massively.

I know he doesn't want ds - ds doesn't fit in his new life with his new partner. Her kids are pre teens and don't need as much looking after. He's apparently out drinking every weekend with her now (never did this before) and ds just doesn't fit into this lifestyle obviously.

Shall I just leave it and see what happens?

Leave it. Let him do the running, you know he won't so don't help him, you owe him nothing.

I agree with this. Just don’t set anything up, let him come to you, if it’s convenient for your child be amenable so if he ever did take you to court you can demonstrate that you haven’t been obstructive. Just one thing to keep in mind, CSA payments and child access is treated completely separately so do not withhold contact on the basis that he hasn’t paid.

@Foreversomething thank you - yes I knew this to be honest. My solicitor has given me all the advice and she says I've done everything right in terms of contact etc and that it shows that I understand it's separate from maintenance.

I'm really tempted to ask him what he's playing at but I know not to do this - and I won't do it. It's just so frustrating trying to navigate our lives around this. Ds is having well being sessions in school. The school called him to explain how he is in school and it went to voicemail. They left a voicemail asking him to call back to discuss and he didn't even do that.

I just don't understand how he doesn't care. When we were together he always acted like he loved his kids - but I did absolutely everything for them.

I'm sad that I've chosen such a shit dad for my child

I mean if he wants to see him again he needs to go through official routes so you have documentation. Starts with a mediator setting up a schedule if you are not willing to do that (and why should you!) He should be told to take you to court where every missed visit will be taken into account. Everything official from now on if he even bothers again.

Stop arranging things or giving him chances. Up to him to sort something official if he wants to see his child.

Stop giving it so much head space. Make DS available every other Sunday at ten am. If he hasn't turned up by 10.30 go about your day. Say nothing to DS about the contract. Do not chase his father. Just one email. DS will be ready for you eow at ten am. If you aren't here by 10.30 we shall get on with our day.

Don't chase him don't up date him. Nothing. He will either step up or disappear.

My ex did the same. They are no longer bothered sometimes he put in an appearance mostly not. They expect nothing from him and are consequently not let down.

You are right. I think I'm just struggling to separate my emotions from reality. And also accepting that my son does have a really bad father.

It rubbish but this is on him not you. All you can do is be the best mum you can be. As your children get older they know who stepped up for them. I had a couple of stock phrases. Dad does love you in his own way he just isn't ready to be the dad you deserve m, or something along those lines.

I have an image of my ex down the pub telling everyone what a terrible mother I am stopping him from seeing his kids. Thinking someone might pipe up so you been to court then? You call and write to your kids and try and keep in touch. You pay your child support regardless of your feelings etc etc. hold your head up high and don't let him get to you. You are enough for your amazing little boy

I'd be very surprised if he took me to court - he can't even sign the paperwork for the divorce.

Thank you for sharing your experience - you are right in that kids know who is there for them. Sounds like you've been a great support to yours x

Honestly, I wouldn't let him see my son again. He's a terrible example to him, blows hot and cold, can't ever put him first and is utterly selfish.

No, I'd say my son didn't want to see him - if he took it to court then I'd be happy to represent myself there.

Get a court approved parenting app and tell oh that any and all communication has to go through there from now on don’t say why, just that it’s easier (and only messages no more phone calls). That way when it gets to court you can a) show that you’ve tried and b) can show that your ex is a lousy human being.

He is all those things. My goal in life is to make sure my son turns out nothing like him