Page 2 | Not sure if I cheated on drunk night out

Nowayoutofthis86 · 2024-02-19T12:28:30+00:00

I tried to keep this brief but struggled so apologies for the essay. A couple of weeks ago I had a night out with a friend after not being out properly for over a year. I wasn't overly drunk or so I thought but towards the end of the night a random guy approached me and offered to get us a shot - I then informed my friend and we both followed him up to the bar and all had a shot. However after this my friend walked slightly ahead of me on the dancefloor near two other friends we'd spent most of our night with and I stayed just a little bit further back from the bar where we'd had the shot and the guy was speaking to me - I can remember laughing at him for some reason and asking his age (as I knew he was a lot younger than me) to which he told me how much older his last relationship was. I then pointed across and reached out to my friend and told him she was single but that I wasn't - which is the case. The thing that I'm struggling to accept is whether or not I kissed him - even though I'm pretty sure I didn't as I had zero interest in him and I wasn't looking for any male attention whatsoever. But I keep feeling so guilty that I even accepted the shot in the first place and why on earth did I speak to him afterwards. Literally nothing else happened and I hadn't even danced near him or flirted so I can't get my head around how this came about. I obviously wish I'd just said no thank you at the offer of the shot as I then wouldn't be in this position at all but I feel so guilty and am convincing myself that I must have kissed him. I remember the walk home etc with my friend and some of the conversation we had so surely I would remember a kiss?? I've never been in such a mess with anything like this before and it's taking over my life. I know that probably sounds ridiculous but I don't know what else I can do to move forward. My friend is adamant nothing happened but I'm worried what if it did and she didn't see it? I can't escape this and think I need serious help. Has anyone experienced similar or can offer any advice please x

vincettenoir · 19/02/2024 13:52

I would see this as a lesson learned. You don't like being (potentially) blackout drunk so best to avoid in future.

But look forward, not back.

GlitterBall91 · 19/02/2024 14:20

Intrusive thoughts - I used to struggle with these when I was very unwell with OCD. This exact thought cropped up a lot and I falsely “confessed” to cheating on a number of occasions - sounds crazy because it was, I was unwell. Anyway my dp at the time knew that luckily and took the confessions with a pinch of salt.
What you’ve written sounds exactly like the monologue I used to have with myself in my head when I was killing myself over “did I, didn’t I?” And then creating false memories.

LavenderFlowers · 19/02/2024 14:31

This sounds like anxiety and it's horrible. It sounds like it's eating you up. This is a link for some intrustive thought worksheets: https://www.letss.org.au/images/Intrusive_Thoughts_Worksheet.pdf The internet is full of others if these ones don't work or you could try journal it so it's all out of your head. You didn't do anything wrong, it's just your brain having a silly moment and you'll get past it x

https://www.letss.org.au/images/Intrusive_Thoughts_Worksheet.pdf

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:35

LavenderFlowers · 19/02/2024 14:31

This sounds like anxiety and it's horrible. It sounds like it's eating you up. This is a link for some intrustive thought worksheets: https://www.letss.org.au/images/Intrusive_Thoughts_Worksheet.pdf The internet is full of others if these ones don't work or you could try journal it so it's all out of your head. You didn't do anything wrong, it's just your brain having a silly moment and you'll get past it x

Thank you so much for this.
Yes it's really eating me up and I feel pathetic for it. I will read up on these as I feel I'm close to losing my mind completely now, and even feel wherever I go people have seen me on the night out and know what I did. I hope this goes away as I can't cope with it much longer.
I do appreciate your help x

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Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:40

Muthaofcats · 19/02/2024 13:26

This appears to me like OCD/intrusive thoughts. Have you ever experienced similar types of intrusive cyclical thoughts previously?

Yes unfortunately, I have over the years had depression/anxiety on and off since early teens and I'm now almost 40.

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Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:41

DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 13:32

OP - how old are you? This is the sort of thing that kicks in in peri.

I'm almost 40.

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Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:47

GlitterBall91 · 19/02/2024 14:20

Intrusive thoughts - I used to struggle with these when I was very unwell with OCD. This exact thought cropped up a lot and I falsely “confessed” to cheating on a number of occasions - sounds crazy because it was, I was unwell. Anyway my dp at the time knew that luckily and took the confessions with a pinch of salt.
What you’ve written sounds exactly like the monologue I used to have with myself in my head when I was killing myself over “did I, didn’t I?” And then creating false memories.

Sorry to hear you have been through similar. It's so awful isn't it, I hope that is what it is as I'm convincing myself otherwise right now. Like what if for a split second I thought I might as well cheat!? Even though that is not something that would ever cross my mind. It's completely debilitating isn't it as from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep (which is nonexistent really now) this is at the forefront of my mind.

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5YearsLeft · 19/02/2024 15:04

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:47

Sorry to hear you have been through similar. It's so awful isn't it, I hope that is what it is as I'm convincing myself otherwise right now. Like what if for a split second I thought I might as well cheat!? Even though that is not something that would ever cross my mind. It's completely debilitating isn't it as from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to sleep (which is nonexistent really now) this is at the forefront of my mind.

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I would say this is definitely a mental health issue and not a cheating issue. Because logically, you and your friend had a shot with this guy. He probably said something silly and like you said, he looked so much younger than you, so you logically asked him how old he was. Then he may have TRIED to drop a flirty line (not a good one though!!! Saying how much older his last relationship was; ah yes, how romantic NOT) and you immediately told him you weren’t single! OP, you wouldn’t kiss someone after that. And then directed him to your friend. You can’t remember your exact train of thought but if you can remember the walk home, you remember your actions. So that’s that. But now, the intrusive thoughts/anxiety issue. You need to get some help, probably. Right now, it was this issue. Yes, you can avoid drinking, but something else will eventually make you have thoughts like this again, if you struggle with them. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. Please talk to your GP. And the very, very best of luck to you.

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 15:20

5YearsLeft · 19/02/2024 15:04

I would say this is definitely a mental health issue and not a cheating issue. Because logically, you and your friend had a shot with this guy. He probably said something silly and like you said, he looked so much younger than you, so you logically asked him how old he was. Then he may have TRIED to drop a flirty line (not a good one though!!! Saying how much older his last relationship was; ah yes, how romantic NOT) and you immediately told him you weren’t single! OP, you wouldn’t kiss someone after that. And then directed him to your friend. You can’t remember your exact train of thought but if you can remember the walk home, you remember your actions. So that’s that. But now, the intrusive thoughts/anxiety issue. You need to get some help, probably. Right now, it was this issue. Yes, you can avoid drinking, but something else will eventually make you have thoughts like this again, if you struggle with them. You shouldn’t have to feel like this. Please talk to your GP. And the very, very best of luck to you.

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Thanks very much for your reassuring reply. I'm going to request a Dr's appointment now as I really do need help. I've spoken to my mum and friend about this so much since it happened and I can't accept their words of advice and feel like I'm being unfair and mentally exhausting them now as they don't know what else to say.
I do tend to obsess over negative things quite regularly, whether I want to or not.

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Muthaofcats · 19/02/2024 19:55

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 14:40

Yes unfortunately, I have over the years had depression/anxiety on and off since early teens and I'm now almost 40.

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I understand. I struggle with intrusive thoughts often too. It’s usually worse when I’m anxious or stressed in other areas of my life. I found CBT is really helpful for it.

I hope you know that the thought you are having is just a thought, it’s not real, you did nothing wrong. It’s not a crime to accept a drink. You’re ok :)

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 19/02/2024 20:37

Muthaofcats · 19/02/2024 19:55

I understand. I struggle with intrusive thoughts often too. It’s usually worse when I’m anxious or stressed in other areas of my life. I found CBT is really helpful for it.

I hope you know that the thought you are having is just a thought, it’s not real, you did nothing wrong. It’s not a crime to accept a drink. You’re ok :)

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Thank you for your kind words.
I have requested an appointment from my GP, they are hopefully calling me tomorrow.

Aside from that I'm going to try and overcome the thoughts but they have been non stop today. I'm going around in circles really.

I hope you're ok and not suffering at the moment yourself. x

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GracieNotes · 20/02/2024 06:12

Oh you poor thing, this definitely sounds like intrusive thoughts. It's a horrible thing to have but you will be able to overcome it with a little help... your anxiety has taken this issue as something to fixate on and is having a field day with it, but just hold on to the fact that it will pass if you can allow yourself to recognise it as an intrusive thought. Instead of trying to banish the thought from your mind and resist it (which is impossible when you feel like this), calmly allow it to wash over you with the knowledge that thinking something doesn't make it real.

From what you've said, and because you have such strong feelings about cheating, you really wouldn't kiss a stranger - and if he had kissed you, you certainly would remember it because you weren't that drunk and because it would be so out of character. It didn't happen.

As others have said, having a drink isn't a crime and you've done nothing wrong.
Hope you feel more like yourself soon.

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 20/02/2024 08:34

GracieNotes · 20/02/2024 06:12

Oh you poor thing, this definitely sounds like intrusive thoughts. It's a horrible thing to have but you will be able to overcome it with a little help... your anxiety has taken this issue as something to fixate on and is having a field day with it, but just hold on to the fact that it will pass if you can allow yourself to recognise it as an intrusive thought. Instead of trying to banish the thought from your mind and resist it (which is impossible when you feel like this), calmly allow it to wash over you with the knowledge that thinking something doesn't make it real.

From what you've said, and because you have such strong feelings about cheating, you really wouldn't kiss a stranger - and if he had kissed you, you certainly would remember it because you weren't that drunk and because it would be so out of character. It didn't happen.

As others have said, having a drink isn't a crime and you've done nothing wrong.
Hope you feel more like yourself soon.

Thank you for this.

I think it's going to take time but I'm hoping my GP ring me today. I feel like I'll be stuck with this forever at the moment, I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

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Fannyfiggs · 20/02/2024 08:56

I'm sorry you're anxious about this. There's absolutely nothing for you to be worrying about but, as we know, that doesn't stop the worry.

Now, if you'd woken up naked in the young man's bed, then your anxiety might be warranted 😉

But you didn't, you and your friend accepted a drink and you had a chat with a fellow human. No harm done.

I hope you find some peace from the replies you've had already ❤️

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 20/02/2024 09:34

Fannyfiggs · 20/02/2024 08:56

I'm sorry you're anxious about this. There's absolutely nothing for you to be worrying about but, as we know, that doesn't stop the worry.

Now, if you'd woken up naked in the young man's bed, then your anxiety might be warranted 😉

But you didn't, you and your friend accepted a drink and you had a chat with a fellow human. No harm done.

I hope you find some peace from the replies you've had already ❤️

Thank you so much x

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winolo · 20/02/2024 09:40

Stop being so hard on yourself OP, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.

I can relate to you, not exactly the same but I used to get so incredibly drunk on nights out that I would have the fear and hanxiety for days afterwards wondering if I had done anything inappropriate and whether I flirted etc with anyone.

I have cut back on my drinking now, still go out but don't get completely hammered like I used to!

Take it easy and look after yourself, as the days go on I'm sure you'll start feeling better and realise that you did nothing wrong

Original poster

Nowayoutofthis86 · 20/02/2024 09:58

winolo · 20/02/2024 09:40

Stop being so hard on yourself OP, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong.

I can relate to you, not exactly the same but I used to get so incredibly drunk on nights out that I would have the fear and hanxiety for days afterwards wondering if I had done anything inappropriate and whether I flirted etc with anyone.

I have cut back on my drinking now, still go out but don't get completely hammered like I used to!

Take it easy and look after yourself, as the days go on I'm sure you'll start feeling better and realise that you did nothing wrong

I just worry that I can remember some of what I said but not everything and I can't think why I'd have even asked his age!! I do remember laughing at him though when he told me how old he was. I know I wasn't interested in anyone but then I think something must have happened for me to ask him that.
I really have driven my friend mad with this and I feel awful for that.
Also I'm not a drinker at all, maybe twice a year I'll have a drink, if that. So this has put me off completely now.

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