Untidy partner

[Newcastlewoman]

My partner is a good man but he works long hours. I also work hard as a teacher but I am in the house more. He hoovers the house on a Saturday. He leaves rubbish lying around. Today I asked him to pick him up and as usual it got turned back on me, he was rushing out for his long day and now I made him anxious. Am I being unreasonable

No, he needs to clean/pick up after himself.
Does he cook you any meals?

If course you're not unreasonable.
However, I live with a chronically untidy man (increasingly suspect he has ADHD) and seems actually incapable of being tidy. I've decided to pick my battles. I don't tidy up after him and I have long stopped doing things like ironing as he just stuffs clothes in the wardrobe.
I will point out things he needs to deal with that are impacting on me but he doesn't flounce or try and make it my problem.
Only you can tell if your partner is lazy or maybe has some issues that genuinely makes it harder for him to be organised.

What sort of rubbish?

I married a slob. I assumed it would get better - it didn’t. Strangely enough he implied it was me but the house is better since he moved out! I cleared his office and found crisp packets, empty cans and all sorts of other rubbish in there!
You should speak to him
calmly when neither of you are rushing off any where about this but it’s unlikely he will change…so is it something you can tolerate?

cans of pop, packets from snacks eaten

yeah he makes a nice meal maybe once a week or fortnight but i have to clear up afterwards

good advice, i think its the way he turns it round whenever i say anything, to blame me, that i find hard

Loads of them? Or just the odd can and crisp packet where he was sitting last night?

well stuff left every day for me to sort out

i guess i will have to ..!

"As usual"?

Doesn't sound good. These things tend to build up and resentment follows.

Collect the stuff for a few days and then put it somewhere that belongs to him. Gym bag, whatever.

I think what irritates me is the sense that there's an implicit expectation that my time is less valuable - ergo I can spend my time on housework but his time is more important than trivial stuff like that! But my DH isn't a lazy person se, but is really bad at following through - once his attention is elsewhere he literally walks away. But the fact that he doesn't strop or make a fuss when I ask him to tidy it helps - if he complained I think I would seriously lose my rag.

yes its the same here, he works hard so needs to relax when he comes in. But its this turning of the tables to make out i am a horrible person thats so hard

This isn’t just your mess. It’s your husbands mess too. He has a joint responsibility to take care of his home, you aren’t his mother but his partner in life.
He has a choice, participate in the housework or pay for a cleaner.
Either way something has to change if he wants your marriage to succeed

I couldn’t tolerate it in the end. It was a symptom of a fundamental lack of respect towards me. Gradually it came into other factors. What stand out to me is that he’s messy and you raise it with him, he’s blaming you for ‘being horrible’ rather than accepting responsibility, that’s worrying. He’s trying to divert the blame to you.

It's more the when you mentioned it in this case - bad timing when he needs to be out the door for a long work day.
Don't pick up after him for a week, see if he notices the mess, when he passes comment, then point out its all his, so it's for him to deal with.
Make sure you have a waste bin in every room to make it as easy as possible for him to deal with it at the time.