Anyone else wondering what's the point?

[Hailstorm84]

Hi everyone. I'm turning 40 this year, I have 4 children.. 3 from my first marriage and 1 from my current marriage. My first husband I'd been with since I was 16 and he treated me like I meant nothing, don't get me wrong he acted like I was the love of his life but in the background he was cheating.. Lying and years after we split I discovered he had SA a teenage member of my family while we were together. My current husband well I thought we were unbreakable, I believed he was different.. like best friends but I discovered 4 years ago he had a long distance relationship with a woman he'd never met from another country. Turns out it had been going on since before we met, we had been together over 3 years by that point. Last year whilst pregnant I discover he had emailed an escort back in 2021 a month after I miscarried, he maintained he never met her.. Couldn't go through with it. I contacted the escort under the disguise of him and she didn't seem to recognise him, his phone number or booking him through with his email address...not that it makes it any better. I've been working on my marriage since finding this out, searched forum upon forum trying to find answers as to why this keeps happening to me. My current husband can't give me an explanation for his actions, blames it on immaturity, being male, curiosity to see if it's real. Men on these forums saying the reason they do it is because they don't get enough at home and if their wives can't satisfy them at every turn they have no option but to go elsewhere, escorts are better than affair ect. I had a relationship between my two husbands for about a year and he was the exact same. I've just got to a point where I'm thinking what's the point?, what's the point in putting your all into a relationship if he can just go elsewhere anyway. What's the point in intimacy and building foundations if as soon as he's not "getting enough attention" he'll just look elsewhere ". Is life as a woman meant to be this awful?. I feel like I've just woke up to the fact that there's no such thing as monogamy, I've spent 24 years of my life being faithful, bringing up children, working hard whilst looking after a home and my family to be continually treated like this... So a man can just think with what's between his legs?. The going gets tough and all they care about is sex?. I've honestly got to the point where I don't even care anymore, I've been so fixated trying to bring up my baby the past few months and deal with this, not getting a straight answer other than blaming it on being male because he doesn't know why else...says it wouldn't happen again but if it's seriously being blamed on being male then yeah it can happen again. Why even bother being intimate anymore if it's only going to get to a stage of not being enough again. I feel like I've gave up and I just see men as all the same.

It’s not being male OP it’s being a selfish arsehole. You’re right, him using that as an excuse rather negates the promise that it will never happen again. Unless he’s planning on becoming a trans woman?

I think your standards are very low, in all likelihood you have been treated so poorly for so long that you it feels normal to you.

The only way to effect change is to leave the relationship (that shouldn't give pause for thought, clearly he is a jerk) and take some time to be alone to work out who you are and where your boundaries lie. It's not a quick or easy thing to do but it will be worth it for the growth you'll experience and the for paving the way to meaningful relationships.

You've been treated very poorly and it's not your fault. You deserve much better and you are capable of achieving it.x

I'm just tired of feeling this way, I told him a couple of nights ago all I wanted was an honest answer. If he could give me that at least I'd have the truth, if he thinks blaming it on male genes or not knowing why helps it doesn't. Between living with this and caring for our baby my libido is gone.

He isn't going to change. People don't change unless they really, really want to and have a lot of support. You an ask him anything you want but you're flogging a dead horse.

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I feel exactly the same. All I see around me are useless men. Me and all my friends have suffered from them. Honestly? I am not sure what we need them for other than sex and that only if they do it well. Otherwise a woman can have a career with good salary, raise her kids on her own without the need for another grown up kid. Then she can have someone - possibly young - on the side for sex, and get rid of him as soon as she gets bored.
Happy to be convinced otherwise.

I'm glad there's someone else seeing things from the same perspective. They are all the same. I'm tired of hearing people say "not all men are the same", yes they are, they've either not done it yet or you haven't found out yet. The hundreds of men I've seen posting on these forums all admitting to stepping outside their relationships, women at home like us clueless.

I’m in my 60s and widowed. I’m not interested in another relationship because I can’t be bothered wading through the trash to find a diamond. I think I agree with pp that women will eventually realise they have no need of tying themselves to a man and will opt for single lives and parenthood with brief fwb connections now and then. Good luck to them. In your shoes, op, I’d take some time out and enjoy pleasing yourself for a while. Then, if you do decide on another relationship you’ll know yourself and what you deserve. Good luck to you.

I observe that most people are awful at choosing a life partner and mediocre at best at being in a relationship

That leaves a pretty small minority where the couple have both chosen well, and both have the emotional and life skills to be in a long term relationship.

Most relationships at best are limping along.

How can you say that it's individuals that are awful at choosing a life partner?, I'm a degree level educated woman with a well paid job. I'm not a silly little girl, it's not my fault if men decided to dupe me. If I've made the correct choices in education, career and bringing up well established kids it's not me that's the problem.

People the change the person you got engaged and married too aren't the same person now.

There is nothing worse than been frequently rejected as a man for sex from the one person who your supposed to trust, rely on and build a life and future around.

Woman dont think its a big deal but it puts the whole relationship in jeopardy.

I've had this myself when I've been rejected again and again, I think can I trust this person to make me happy long term and the answer is no. Then I think why should I invest in this relationship if she doesn't.

Then it goes to do you split housework and childcare etc. If the relationship and everything you have isn't worth sex every now and again then it's only going one way anyway.

Yes it's awful splitting up with children etc but is it worth spending a lifetime unhappy with the next argument about sex just around the corner.

Men will stay in a bad relationship with sex, they won't or will look elsewhere in a good relationship without sex.

It's nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Relationships and emotions are completely different to intelligence.

OH had a similar view about women, fortunately he let me in to get close. Thirty plus years on and he's been my rock. I think there's only one person in his social circle I'd call a total arse and to be fair OH doesn't really get on with him.

Mumsnet is sadly a place for people having trouble in their relationships so you do get a jaundiced view.

Good family men are out there though as you get on they may be harder to find as they may be in stable relationships already or have simply decided, like you, that it wasn't worth the effort.

Men will stay in a bad relationship with sex, they won't or will look elsewhere in a good relationship without sex.

True and false for both men and women. You get lots of posts from women here complaining that their marriage is sexless and they need to move on. We spent a time 'sexless', sometimes life is like that, just busy, especially with young children.

Oooor you think everyhting is well and that they are all good family men. Please don’t be arrogant. Youay be one of the lucky few who got a good man. I also thought I was until…not.
You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. All I could see was happy families and good men. Then low and behold it was soooo far form the truth when the curtain was raised.

Of course, but I'd say most of the time it's Men with the higher sex drive.

If men and women were both happy in a relationship they wouldn't break up or go elsewhere would they.

If you have told your partner your not happy with how things are and they make no effort to change anything then what are you left to do. Put up with it or leave?

I think sex is something you can't negotiate on, it's a urge to me as much as feeling hungry or thirsty. You can cope for better days but what if them days don't come, how long do you give it?

Unmarried, childfree women are statistically the happiest subgroup of the population. I can vouch for the childfree aspect, and have picked a high quality man, thankfully. If I were to become single I would not go near another man, too much trash out there for zero reward.

It’s really unfortunate your 1st husband was a sex offender and your current one feels entitled to coerce consent out of prostituted women, would you not prefer the peace and happiness from divorcing the scumbag? Instead of trying to analyse your foul husband, focus on your future happiness. Get STD tested and then free yourself of him.

What a load of self serving nonsense. Sex is an urge that most people get, but unlike hunger and thirst you won't die if you don't get it for a while, don't be so melodramatic.

And women who have gone through pregnancy and childbirth have hormonal fluctuations which means often their sex drive diminishes for a while - are you saying that it's fine for the bloke to just go elsewhere because she's not up for it?
What if you got sick, or injured and couldn't perform, would you be fine if you wife then went off with some other guy because she has urges?

If men don't want commitment and a long term relationship, including raising children together, then they are free to just date or have casual sex.
But to lie and say you want those things, whilst getting all the benefits of a monogamous relationship while running off somewhere else when it suits you is pathetic.

OP just get rid of him, you're better off alone. Make sure he pays child maintenance.

Men blame women for what they do behind their backs and women blame other women for their husbands actions. Let me tell you ladies who think they are in superior situations your man is either doing or done it too. Don't think for a minute he hasn't searched them, thought about or maybe acted on it.

I'm feeling the same unfortunately. Just tired.

Ok? If it comforts you to think that, cool. You should focus on yourself and your happiness, by divorcing your current piece of shit bloke.

And yet, despite everything you know about him, you are staying with him.

Some men are like that, and the more relationships you have in life, the more you'll come across it - that's just numbers and chances.
This unfortunately means that women have to be good at spotting signs and getting out so they can move on an find someone decent. You seem to hang in there regardless and try to progress the relationship. Since you found out about your DH's LDR which pre-dated your relationship, you went on to marry him and have a baby? That's been a choice you made, no surprise there are issues down the line.
Probably your first marriage caused you to have a low bar and high tolerance to poor behavior, so you tend to put up with a lot before taking action.

Listen, I’ve dated my fair share of arseholes in my time but it absolutely isn’t every man. In the same way that angry men paint “all women” as bitter angry hags who are only after them for money and to trap them with babies. It’s a sweeping statement that isn’t true.

I know male friends and male partners of friends who are absolutely great people and put their wives and kids first. I’ve also known the odd one or two who behaved like pricks and deserved to be left/divorced/hopefully never trusted by another woman again.

Mumsnet is here to discuss and give advice which people in bad relationships often ask for. Nobody is going to come on here swanning about starting threads about how fucking wonderful their male partner is. You see all the shitty stories here which can skew your perspective.

Im sorry youve had some real arseholes. It’s shit. I hope you find someone decent if that is what you want.

it’s your choice to stay with them when they behave like scum bags though. You chose to stay, marry and have a baby with him after finding out he’d carried on a relationship behind your back. You can’t then be surprised if he again behaves like a scumbag surely?

I think in some cases it's personality traits within that keep us choosing the same type of men. I was in a unhealthy marriage for almost 30 years. I got out of that and ended up rebounding with a guy who was similar but worse. Luckily, I was able to see a pattern in my own behaviour, how I was dismissing red flags and overlooking his bad behaviour and I started really analysing myself as to why I did this. I also realised I had low standards and let people (not just men) treat me like crap. So I started setting the bar higher, standing up for myself, working through my feelings through journalling and reading self help books. I'm now in a healthy relationship with a guy who loves and respects me and who I can talk to. You deserve to be in a loving, healthy relationship.

Forget about men being ‘diamonds’. Men are just people and many are damaged beyond hope. Long, monogamous, live in relationships involving children and marriage make very few people happy in the way we’re lead to believe they will.

You don’t need to wade through dross or become hysterical at the ‘standard’ available on most of the dating apps, in order to get your sexual needs met and have some fun.

If you must have children, expect to do most of the work alone and make sure you can support yourself. If that isn’t possible prepare for life to be hard and unhappy or maybe don’t have children. Very few men are willing or able to step up adequately and actually, there is no divine right to be a Mother at all costs.

De centre men, de centre romantic relationships with men. Consider a different way of life. Take the pressure off, just forget about trying to bend men into the shape you want them to be because you were sold a lie about the perfect way to live and what we should aspire to as women.

Forget it.