Page 2 | Differentiation between friends eg Facebook and other friends

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 2024-02-19T06:40:54+00:00

This is a bit of an unusual one. How do you or do you differentiate between friends and if so are the friends you consider more acquaintances than friends because they’re eg Facebook friends and you seem them rarely? Not going to go into the context here yet.

Original poster

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 10:23

Humanswarm · 19/02/2024 10:16

Not sure I totally follow but, some people will find offence where there isn't any. If you didn't mean any offence, and she is merely an acquaintance you don't know very well, just leave it where it is. No justification required, no more thought on your part.

She took offence on something close to her, I realised I'd made a mistake and apologised immediately. It was a simple FB issue and was one that I then got accused of by her, stalking her, by both her and her new DH.

I've only been back on FB for the past 2 months since January! I was off it most of lockdown.

And I've been this woman's 'follower' on Instagram all over this time for the past at least 8 years so know everything about her (she posts a lot there) and she me (I don't post a huge amount).

Life was so much simpler before social media!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 19/02/2024 10:23

Just block her and don't use her hairdressing service again. Way too much drama, she (and her DH) are acting like teenagers.

Sceptical123 · 19/02/2024 10:30

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 10:13

I hadn't actually thought of her being that controlling until now, but it seems as if she might be, yes. She actually isn't my current hairdresser, I used her a couple of times over lockdown, but the hours and days she works (she also has another job) vary, and due to my work hours, it's just too far (just under an hour away, driving in rush hour traffic) for me to travel to see her on a regular basis. However, she knows this, and though she'd probably prefer me as a regular client, she's happily given me advice on getting my hair highlighted and when to go back to a salon. I also didn't realise how quickly her hair business was growing, and she's booked up at least a month in advance.

The last time I saw her it was quite embarrassing as she'd totally forgotten I was coming for an appointment (was in 2021) and I arrived at her house to find her in but her DH on the drive and both of them looking at me and quizzing me as to why I was there! And I had to remind her I had my hair appointment then! She luckily did it then and there but I wasn't too impressed she'd obviously forgotten my appointment and not realised so she could ring/text and tell me.

I'm not sure I would like her in my home for various reasons, because, as you said, I can leave and run if I go to hers whereas vice versa I'd have to get her to leave.

Re the friends issue. I don't think she judges or dictates to me who my friends are now, she couldn't anyway, we do have some but not many in common, but I did find it quite uncomfortable, as I said before, that I was almost pinned down in her chair, in her kitchen, and she was teasing information out of me and getting me to sympathise/empathise with her when I'd long forgotten about these bullies. I don't think I ever told her about the hair setting on fire incident which is when we last saw each other at that school! And when I left that school and moved to one just up the hill (a private convent one) I was told strictly by the teachers/nuns and other pupils not to mix with my old school friends so I did as I was told. I think I saw my old school friends once or twice walking past the school but I ignored them as I was told to do.

You have it down to a T though, friendly acquaintances is and was fine but I do think she has a drama streak in her which I wasn't aware of until recently. We are now not friends because of something which happened recently to do with Facebook which was more a crossing of boundaries/blurring lines on my part, I totally get that. It really wasn't that bad at all but she has totally blown it out of all proportion in my mind, and that's her right to do that. But as she wasn't a close friend anyway, not even a friend friend, and far more an acquaintance then I didn't see how I'd upset her that much and I still don't think her overreaction is normal nor healthy.

I do think she may see certain people in her life as allies and more friends with her than they actually are and I was one of them. Was a very loose friend/acquaintance because she's cut me off completely with no explanation, apart from via another party. And as I said before, with her sharing her bullying anecdote (which is only one side of the story from her side) and also stories of her life around the area (again I didn't know her then so I can't comment but can sympathise/empathise!) I feel as if she wanted some sort of ally/friend to support her and validate any bullying she received. She didn't seem to have moved on from this bullying when we last spoke and has obviously stored it in her mind, whereas I'm of the mindset, it's in the past, yes, I've dwelled on these incidents in the past but generally I'm very resilient and just want to move on!

Thank you for your input though.

My new boyfriend thinks it's a good idea I never gave her my home address though!

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I think your bf’s right! You’d probably be feeling a little anxious for a while. Some ppl do crazy things- I found out recently a mum in my village throws eggs at ppls houses when they anger her 😵‍💫 she’d always been perfectly pleasant to me. You never know how bizarrely some ppl will react when they feel offended so she’s actually done you a favour by cutting you off. Let it lie now and she will move on.

I’m not saying she has this but look up Borderline Personality Disorder. A few bells rang when reading your description of her. Sometimes ppl can invest a lot in what they perceive as deep friendships and react badly if they feel rejected/abandoned etc. The fact that the bullying is still such a current issue to her when it happened decades ago is odd behaviour. It sounds like she hadn’t come to terms with it and should really speak to a therapist to process it and move on like you have.

You were not her therapist. Don’t feel at all bad in that regard. She probably enjoyed getting these pent up emotions off her chest to someone who knew who she was talking about and could empathise. That role has now probably been foisted back onto her poor husband.

Be grateful she ended it so you didn’t have to. There will be a level of satisfaction for her in doing so which means that any resentment towards you will be minimal.

Enjoy your freedom and peace of mind!

Original poster

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 10:37

BertieBotts · 19/02/2024 10:23

Just block her and don't use her hairdressing service again. Way too much drama, she (and her DH) are acting like teenagers.

Definitely am doing this! I can't believe that both she and her DH have acted like this, towards someone they barely know, being abusive but trying to take the upper hand and acting like smug marrieds (which they are really!). This woman's DH was also very unpleasant and dare I say it aggressive and quizzing me with looks as to "who the F are you?!" When I came for my hair appt which she'd forgotten! I'd never met him before and only seen his/their posts on Instagram/FB (when I was on FB).

I even got a swipe from the DH of this woman yesterday saying "sorry you're jealous of X remarrying and sorry you're a single saddo!" and I was just like . That's not the case anyway, I was in a relationship for the past year which ended early last month and I've only just very recently started seeing someone new - early days!

OP posts:

Original poster

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 10:57

Sceptical123 · 19/02/2024 10:30

I think your bf’s right! You’d probably be feeling a little anxious for a while. Some ppl do crazy things- I found out recently a mum in my village throws eggs at ppls houses when they anger her 😵‍💫 she’d always been perfectly pleasant to me. You never know how bizarrely some ppl will react when they feel offended so she’s actually done you a favour by cutting you off. Let it lie now and she will move on.

I’m not saying she has this but look up Borderline Personality Disorder. A few bells rang when reading your description of her. Sometimes ppl can invest a lot in what they perceive as deep friendships and react badly if they feel rejected/abandoned etc. The fact that the bullying is still such a current issue to her when it happened decades ago is odd behaviour. It sounds like she hadn’t come to terms with it and should really speak to a therapist to process it and move on like you have.

You were not her therapist. Don’t feel at all bad in that regard. She probably enjoyed getting these pent up emotions off her chest to someone who knew who she was talking about and could empathise. That role has now probably been foisted back onto her poor husband.

Be grateful she ended it so you didn’t have to. There will be a level of satisfaction for her in doing so which means that any resentment towards you will be minimal.

Enjoy your freedom and peace of mind!

Show quote history

You've totally nailed it, it came out of the blue for me - personal attacks via FB messenger yesterday from the DH - nothing from her and if anything I'd have preferred she message me if she was that upset and wanted to end our association. The mum in your village sounds vert unhinged! You can just never tell with some people can you? I just hope she doesn't contact me via other SM means, I mean I don't think she can, but I hope not. I have to sometimes go to this area as I do have a friend who lives in the next 'village' but I don't go there much.

When I get a spare minute I will look at BPD. And yes, I was somewhat shocked that she's dwelled on the bullying after all these years! FWIW, I'm from a middle class/working class (parents always worked in fairly good jobs) family, and this woman is from a lower class family and lives in a different area to me (but near the part of town we both grew up in and the same one I moved back to and bought in). I don't hold that against anyone, no discrimination nor judgment from me, ever, I don't care if you're from a council estate or a mansion! But that was the things she was saying to me, that X who'd been bullying at school and had done bullied her was because X thought she was better than her, lived in a nice house etc. To that I said to her, sorry but I didn't know X did this to you (I think it was after I left the school) and I'm really sorry she did this. And then she went on about it again, for almost an hour! And then sharing with me that she'd hung around with teens from local children's homes in the area as a teen herself and the scrapes they got into. I wasn't interested in this at all, just ummed and aahed and made 'that's nice' comments. I couldn't wait to escape from there. I also had envious sounding comments from her when I left her house, about my car (Audi Q4 e-tron) which I'd bought as I had some money unexpectedly from paying off my mortgage early (again a fluke and investments came good unexpectedly and I'd sold my old, past it Yaris!) and the fact I was carrying a designer bag (old Balenciaga from 2010!) and she moaned she could never afford designer stuff! I just like some designer gear, not now though, can't really afford it!

I did end up feeling slightly like a therapist and as I said, I didn't want to continue the 'friendship' nor let it develop but was happy to stay arms length as 'acquaintances/SM friends!'. I do feel sorry for her DH, yes. I think she offloads a lot on him.

And yes, I am very grateful she ended it, agree that she now feels self-satisfied as/at having ended it and hopefully yes minimal resentment from her to me! That was the main point I got from her DH yesterday - "they/she doesn't want anything to do with me, she/they think I'm a stalker" blah blah blah. So satisfaction to 'sticking it to me!". I only messaged her originally on Friday as I was concerned for her... but that's another story I don't want to go into and far more complex, and as I said, I knew her going way back and way before she met her DH!

Thanks so much for your great advice, very grateful!

Now I can get on with some work! Thanks again!

OP posts:

Sceptical123 · 19/02/2024 11:19

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 10:57

You've totally nailed it, it came out of the blue for me - personal attacks via FB messenger yesterday from the DH - nothing from her and if anything I'd have preferred she message me if she was that upset and wanted to end our association. The mum in your village sounds vert unhinged! You can just never tell with some people can you? I just hope she doesn't contact me via other SM means, I mean I don't think she can, but I hope not. I have to sometimes go to this area as I do have a friend who lives in the next 'village' but I don't go there much.

When I get a spare minute I will look at BPD. And yes, I was somewhat shocked that she's dwelled on the bullying after all these years! FWIW, I'm from a middle class/working class (parents always worked in fairly good jobs) family, and this woman is from a lower class family and lives in a different area to me (but near the part of town we both grew up in and the same one I moved back to and bought in). I don't hold that against anyone, no discrimination nor judgment from me, ever, I don't care if you're from a council estate or a mansion! But that was the things she was saying to me, that X who'd been bullying at school and had done bullied her was because X thought she was better than her, lived in a nice house etc. To that I said to her, sorry but I didn't know X did this to you (I think it was after I left the school) and I'm really sorry she did this. And then she went on about it again, for almost an hour! And then sharing with me that she'd hung around with teens from local children's homes in the area as a teen herself and the scrapes they got into. I wasn't interested in this at all, just ummed and aahed and made 'that's nice' comments. I couldn't wait to escape from there. I also had envious sounding comments from her when I left her house, about my car (Audi Q4 e-tron) which I'd bought as I had some money unexpectedly from paying off my mortgage early (again a fluke and investments came good unexpectedly and I'd sold my old, past it Yaris!) and the fact I was carrying a designer bag (old Balenciaga from 2010!) and she moaned she could never afford designer stuff! I just like some designer gear, not now though, can't really afford it!

I did end up feeling slightly like a therapist and as I said, I didn't want to continue the 'friendship' nor let it develop but was happy to stay arms length as 'acquaintances/SM friends!'. I do feel sorry for her DH, yes. I think she offloads a lot on him.

And yes, I am very grateful she ended it, agree that she now feels self-satisfied as/at having ended it and hopefully yes minimal resentment from her to me! That was the main point I got from her DH yesterday - "they/she doesn't want anything to do with me, she/they think I'm a stalker" blah blah blah. So satisfaction to 'sticking it to me!". I only messaged her originally on Friday as I was concerned for her... but that's another story I don't want to go into and far more complex, and as I said, I knew her going way back and way before she met her DH!

Thanks so much for your great advice, very grateful!

Now I can get on with some work! Thanks again!

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😊Glad I could help - blimey, I’m feeling less sorry for her DH after what you’ve said though - sounds like they deserve each other!

2 words OP - Narrow / Escape!

Have a much deserved stress-free day!✨

Original poster

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 19/02/2024 11:53

Sceptical123 · 19/02/2024 11:19

😊Glad I could help - blimey, I’m feeling less sorry for her DH after what you’ve said though - sounds like they deserve each other!

2 words OP - Narrow / Escape!

Have a much deserved stress-free day!✨

Show quote history

To cut a long story short, she met her now DH not long after her first DH died of cancer. Which is terrible and appalling as he was only in his early 50s. They had 2 early 20s DC together. The cancer returned I think 3 x and she rang me in tears a few times, I think drunk and late at night and I did speak to her then because why wouldn't you? I'm not a total bitch and if my phone is on (usually on airplane mode at night) I'll answer it if I know the number and not too late. I knew her first DH but only when I'd been to her house when the DC were younger. And she also came on an event with me to London once and left DC with him, when he was well and they were all younger. That went a bit strangely though, she ended up very drunk and in a late night bar with me after the event, crying on my shoulder about her DH, his work, they were ok together but there were issues... and their kids were under 10 then. Not LTB issues but she didn't seem that happy either and seemed to want to offload to me. I ended up seeing her onto the last train home which she just caught (she lives a fair bit further out than me) and rang her when she got back to ensure she got a cab from the station and didn't walk (not a nice walk gone midnight or just before) or get the bus either to her house.

I'd then get the odd text and phone call from her, chatty but sometimes drunk but really wanted to be friends with me, it seemed and not just use me as a hairdressing client. I went out a couple of times with her locally to a bar which was halfway between where we both live, and another time with a partner of mine, we met up with her first DH (one who'd died) as there's a restaurant I'd been to there which we all knew and liked a lot. The other town, I just don't like it, it's rough so I rarely go there and didn't want to go out there with her.

She met her current DH not long after her last one died and I was happy for them, am happy for them. She seems so happy and I'm genuinely pleased for her. Yes it was unexpected for her but she told me her DH who'd died had wanted her to move on with her life and find love. And her DC were happy. She'd had a nice but boring life she told me when we were out - she did do a couple of 'interesting/exciting things' but generally it was basic SAHM/W things and working around her DH's work and her DC, as you do with a family. She often told me she envied me being childfree and 'well off' and not with a controlling DH.

Again when we were out at a bar and the restaurant, she'd spoken to me about X or Y, girls at school who'd bullied her, cornering me in the toilets in the bar and restaurant or outside when she went for a smoke, and asking if I'd still heard from them or what they were up to! She did this on 2 separate occasions. I just said "no, not heard, and yeah, A (another mutual school friend) may be in touch with them". She kept pushing though, "do you see A?" I'd known A since we were about 3 and we'd been close friends and were in touch then too and still are in touch. But A's not on SM, and likes to keep her private life private, for various reasons! I almost felt like we were back at school again...

And that was the reason why as I said I was happy to keep FB/Instagram friends and use her once or twice over lockdown (when very hard to get decent hair appointments!) for hair and the odd text chat. Although I like a gossip and to chat over past times and memories I am very resilient, move on and try not to hold grudges and have had therapy where needed for issues.

I felt she very much hadn't moved on!

I've since heard, this morning, from a mutual schoolfriend of mine who we speak to not often but every few months or so and sometimes meet up, that this woman has been in touch with her as of this morning. Saying nothing about me (thank god!) but our mutual friend did say "why has ..... suddenly got in touch with me? It's been ages since I last heard from her, almost a year now!". I've not said anything about what's happened and I won't elaborate on it. I really can do without drama in my life, especially now. I value my true friends a lot my FB acquaintances!

I can now happily draw a line under this! The reason I originally posted about this, is it was so strange... Meeting my new boyfriend for lunch too today so that's something to make me smile at a new interesting NZ cafe/bar place.

Thanks again to anyone who commented.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 19/02/2024 12:46

My friends are my friends - the people I keep in touch with and am close to and trust and confide in. I have people I keep in touch with on Facebook who are just people I keep in touch with, some of them are true friends, others are just people I talk to on Facebook. I obviously know all of them, I generally don't have randoms on Facebook, but I wouldn't consider the girl I knew from Year 5 like 30 years ago a 'friend'. But I like keeping in touch with her. It depends on the context though - if I was trying to tell dh about something I saw posted on Facebook that made me laugh, I might say 'one of my friends posted this thing..' not because Sally from Year 5 is my 'friend' (I haven't seen her since the Year 5 last day picnic 30 years ago), but because she is technically a 'friend' on Facebook. But we aren't truly friends. Just old school mates who keep in touch.