Reconciling with family after long estrangement

[TickledPinky]

Anyone been through this and have any tips?

I have unexpectedly been invited to the wedding of my nephew in June. I am pleased that myself and my now teenage sons (his cousins) have been invited as we have not been in touch for nearly 8 years.

I have reached out to his parents (DB and SIL) over the years and have been ignored and blocked. There are (or were) addiction issues with my DB that led to unpleasant behaviour that I called out one night and walked away from.

I suppose I am anxious of this being a public space for a first meeting and I just want to be assured that it will be OK. I am still blocked by DB. I have zero expectation that any relationship with DB and SIL will rekindle but I hope all will be civil and the next generation can be amicable.

Anyone else been through this? I assume my DB is still drinking though I have no idea.

I reconciled after 12 years with my sister.
My dd's were 15 and 11 at the time, so hadn't been in touch with their cousins for, to all intents and purposes, their whole childhood.
Their relationship with their cousins is pretty non existent, whilst mine with my sister is not like it was and never will be. We see each other a few times a year but never, ever ring each other. We do drop the odd text to each other.

I remember the first time I saw her, I was incredibly anxious.
I don't have any regrets about having been nc and am not bothered about our changed relationship.

That’s really helpful. Maybe I am too hopeful and naive around the cousin thing (big age gap anyway).

It seems that you are accepting and or clear of the ‘depth’ of this new relationship. I think I am also at the indifference stage - I have no expectations of my DB - it would be more comfortable if the ice was broken but I don’t have any expectations of warmth / depth or even kindness or respect going forward.

I am wondering if it’s worth going to at all now.

I wouldn't be going to this wedding under these circumstances. It's lovely you've been invited but weddings and alcoholics are a dangerous mix, add a no contact relative and it's a recipe for disaster. I'd encourage my kids to go though and make excuses for me as I wouldn't want to risk being the reason their wedding was ruined.

Someone's wedding should never be the venue for reconciliation.

Do you know why you're invited (keeness to reconcile versus feeling it'sthe done thingto invite family)? I'd maybe contact the couple and ask them for a chat about it, and basically say it's a really generous invite you're so pleased, but before you say yay or nay you wanted to talk it through with them as you absolutely wouldn't want to make it awkward for them. If in the course of conversation it is more of a social nicety because you're family I probably wouldn't go but would send a lovely gift. If they seem genuinely keen to have you there I'd probably go and be on best behaviour, then if DB causes trouble consider ducking out early.

I wouldn't automatically be going either.

It's their child's wedding and your presence may ruin that for them, leading to a horrible day with tension and maybe confrontation. You would need to speak to your nephew first.

I think it's lovely that you were invited.

I don't know if this has been covered above. But, what is your relationship with your nephew? Do you know that DB will be there?

If nephew wants a relationship with you outside of his DB are you prepared for this?

From personal experience, it's often the people on the peripheries that end up throwing up the most internal questions.

@TickledPinky did you go in the end - wondering how it was?