Domestic abuse

[Cara41]

I have been with my husband for 20 years.
i have suffered put me downs on everything from my weight, parenting, cooking etc.
‘He has threatened to hit me twice in the last 3 months including saying one day he would throw his phone at me. I suppose I normalised this as I saw it as an empty threat even though it would scare me.
He has refused to move his car out the driveway so I couldn’t leave when I wanted and had to insist for 10 minutes before he finally got up saying he would move the car or he might do something he’d regret.
he has broken things in anger
‘He has hit me in the back before. I’ve never had an apology if anything he’s blamed me. I’ve blamed myself for a long time thinking it was my fault because we argue.
there are also good times where we laugh and tease each other it feels so normal
Anyway I’ve been thinking of leaving for a long time now and going into a refuge.
I’ve chosen this Thursday as the day I leave.
im still not sure if I’m making the right decision as he’s always saying I’m the problem. I feel so confused and hope I will have the courage to leave. My husband thinks everything is fine in the relationship he will be so shocked if I leave to go into a refuge.
I feel so guilty that I will be tearing the family apart.Thanks for reading

It's good that you are finally getting out. And you are not tearing the family apart. The abusive fucking bastard is.

Well done for making the decision to leave. Sounds as if he is just warming up.

You're doing the right thing by leaving. He's an abusive arsehole

If he thinks you're the problem then if you leave him the ' problem' is gone, bet he doesn't think like that but you're doing the right thing.

Have you DC and who owns the property you live in.

Wishing you the very best, and in time you will be fine and wonder how you tolerated his behaviour for so long. It's not easy but you are putting yourself (and kids if any) first and that is a fine thing to do.

Do not let him have any idea you are going. Make sure you have the usual things, like documents etc. Take your half from the joint accounts. Others will be along to give more advice, stay safe and very best of luck.

You are doing the right thing and never go back no matter what. Xx

You are doing the right thing. Make sure you have a well organised plan for leaving and be extra careful as one of the most dangerous times for a woman in this situation is when she is getting ready to leave and following through on leaving her abusive partner.

his behaviour absolutely is abusive and sounds as though it’s escalating quite rapidly in recent times.
how old are your children?

My children are 17, 13 and 8

im still not sure if I’m making the right decision as he’s always saying I’m the problem.

This is a very common abuse tactic. Designed to keep you quiet, submissive, his to abuse as he wishes.
Keep your plans quiet, it’s so tempting to say you’re going but don’t do that.
In a refuge you’ll have support from women who understand abuse.
Good luck 💐and here’s to a better future.

Please keep your children safe from this despicable abuser. By abusing you, their mother, he is abusing them too. They are growing up in a household where it is normal for a man to abuse a woman. You know that. This is a family that needs to be torn apart. You and the children need to be free of him.

As PP have said - he’s the one who’s torn the family apart with his abuse. Not you. You’re doing the right thing, OP. You’re giving your DCs the opportunity to learn something different. Well done.

I did the same thing nearly 6 months ago.
Best thing I ever did
The first couple of months were hard and I kept feeling drawn to go back, which I hadn't expected. Even now I get the odd am I doing the right thing moments.
He still tries to control me from afar, but gradually it has less and less hold over me.
Womens aid and a rape charity providing counselling have both been lifelines for me and helping keep me sane, as I am now suffering from PTSD.

Good luck. Hope it goes safely.