Who does 50/50 with ex? Need reassurance please

[alianna]

So it’s going on 2 years that ex and I are doing 50/50 with our kids. One week at his and one week at mine. I miss them a lot when I don’t have them but I try not to let them see as I don’t want them going to their dad’s upset. Collected them this evening and my youngest age 11 asked how long more we will have to be doing this for cause he hates it and he started to cry for a minute but then said he was fine. I am absolutely heartbroken as it was me who initiated the break up in the first place. Long story in a loveless marriage for almost 20 years. However I am now seriously regretting my decision to leave the marriage if it is still causing one my children to be upset almost 2 years on. I’m just looking to speak to anyone who also does 50/50 how do your kids find it? I’m so worried now about my youngest and don’t know what to do. Thanks

My two do. They both openly say they wish we hadn't split up and we all still lived together. But in my opinion things are still better. I don't think there is much you can do except validate their feelings. I am also a child of a 50/50 divorce. It's better not to live in an unhappy home.

Hey OP - my DD is younger (3.5) and I have her 50/50 with my ex and have done for 2 years now. I miss her so much and sometimes even now regret splitting with ex as I miss her when she isn't here and wonder if I've done the right thing.
I am also a child of divorced parents who had us 50/50. And honestly I was so used to it it felt normal. And I am very close to both parents so I just remind myself of that.
Im sorry you're struggling. I wish I had words of wisdom but I have the same thoughts.

Can you tell your ex and see if you can come up with a more suitable arrangement for your child?

if it was 20 years loveless and the child is only 11 then how did that happen?

Your youngest is around the age where a judge would listen to what they wanted- even zero contact with a parent.

Do you know if he truly hates it or was having a wobble because he’s tired or didn’t want to leave dad’s that day ?

50/50 would have been my dream! I wish my ex would have wanted it. But your child is basically at an age where you can listen to his feelings he’s old enough to decide I would say.

Thank you for your reply. That’s what people keep telling me but it doesn’t really make me feel any better

Thank you. I have been thinking a lot lately too about whether or not I did the right thing. I stayed so long what harm would another few years have done me until my youngest was grown up. I hated them seeing me so unhappy though and witnessing the fights.

Because I wanted another baby. There is a big age gap between my two and I thought having another baby would bring us closer.

I’ve been thinking this too maybe it was just because he had a good week at his dads or just felt a little bit down leaving him. They do love their dad and spending time with him but I don’t ever get much information from them about how their week was. I think they’re being told that it’s none of my business or something maybe

I think he would keep doing the 50/50 thing even if I did try to change as he likes to spend time with his dad. I’ve spoken to him about it lots and he says he wants to see us both the same amount of time. It’s so hard I always swore to myself that I’d never put my kids through anything like this but life doesn’t work that way sometimes unfortunately

We do half weeks on a two week rotation. So I have him Saturday - Wednesday one week and Sunday - Wednesday the next week. We are both very flexible with holidays and events.

I’m so sorry! Can you pinpoint the issues that are making him unhappy. I do 50/50, but it’s half a week on and half a week off, so we don’t have to go long without seeing each other. Also helps that me and ex are amicable and will sit down and discuss when DCs are struggling. We also live in the same neighbourhood so DCs can drop in on other parent. We also all get together on birthdays. It feels important to express that we are still a family. I know this will not work for everyone if ex is I unreconciled or abusive.

I think it’s just being without one parent every second week. I honestly don’t think it’s any more than that. Unfortunately my ex doesn’t communicate with me unless it’s about the children and that’s hardly ever as they are able to tell me what he needs or wants

I did 50/50 for 16 years. It was so hard at first, but as time went on got so much easier. I never let my Dc see how upset I was and handover was usually done via the childminder on Fridays so I didn’t need to see my ex at all. Any messages were passed in via a notebook through the childminder. My DC says that it was actually good as they had 2 birthdays, 2 christmases, 2 holidays and also as teens got time away from whichever parent annoyed them the most! It also helped during the teen years to know I only had to keep calm with stroppy teens every other week.

I think unfortunately this is just one of those things you have to accept as a consequence of divorce. Splitting up made you happier but the reality is, abuse etc accepted, it almost never makes kids any happier. Most kids would prefer that their parents stayed together.

I think all you can do is empathise with your child. Reassure him that you and his dad still love him, that you are both there for him etc.

With time it will hopefully get easier.

Is it possible that your DS could see you here and there in your 'off' week. Could you write to your ex and explain the need for some flexibility for the sake of your DS? Does your DS have a phone so you can ring him regularly?

A week is a long time, have you thought about doing half a week with you, half a week with dad? I think you need to ultimately sit down with your son and ask him what the ideal scenario would be.

We do 50/50, it's been nearly 2 years and my daughter (16) hates it. Partly the transitions, she's autistic and we did full weeks to try to reduce the change. And we take control of the packing/unpacking, as it feels unfair to ask her to do that.

Partly because Dad is in a rented flat and she feels uncomfortable (I'm in the former family home). The house is going through imminently, so hopefully he'll buy in the next 2-3 months and she'll feel more comfortable when she knows she has her own room and it's a more permanent space.

She's always said the split doesn't bother her. The house has a much calmer atmosphere now we're separated and it is better for her. I know any judge would rule she doesn't have to go to his, but he likes to see her and wants to have a relationship with her - he just struggles to deal with a teenager who has very strong opinions, they had a much better relationship when she was a little girl who thought daddy was the best thing in the world.

I would really try and observe your child for a good few weeks. Children are not always able to articulate exactly what would help them, so we as adults have to spot their needs. Personally I do think 50/50 is quite a strain on many kids, having one centre and one place that is their main security is easier and more stable. But a child would hate to ‘choose’ a parent so I would not be asking a child how they felt as this puts them in an uncomfortable position.

I would assess if a diff kind of arrangement might work better for them - practically - and think which home would suit that more. Centre your child’s needs and work around them. They could always see one parent for say a pick up from school to go for dinner or something or a club so that even if they lived more in one place their contact with both parents is more regular and they didn’t have to go a whole week with either parents - but also had one home as a main residence.

Could you change the days so he is not away from one parent a full week. I know someone who had 50/50 and she had the child Mon - Wed morn and he had the child Wed afternoon to Friday and they each had every other weekend so one week she had just Mon to Wed morn and the next week Sat/SunMonTue and Wed so 7 days a fortnight but not a full week. They changed this between themselves when necessary to accommodate holidays away etc.

Thanks for all the replies and advice I really appreciate it. I speak to them every day that they’re at their dads but don’t see them as we live half hour drive away and I don’t think my ex would like it if I tried to see them on his week. I think I might try and broach the subject with him though. Can’t even concentrate on work now over all this. Heartbroken for my little one. Hate seeing them upset

I do 50/50 but have a weird set up
we owned and old house plus steadings and divided the property so he lives next door and the dc are where they want to be generally. It works well but we are both child centred / single. At some point once dc finish school I/ both of us will sell. It’s not for everyone but the children are happy/ get the best of both worlds as get double presents plus access to both parents whenever they want.

I don't have a 50-50 arrangement but my ex did and my impression is it worked well when the child was younger but not so well as he got older. By the time he was 9-10, he was openly saying it wasn't fair he had to keep moving between two houses and he wanted to stay with just one parent and see the other one regularly rather than a 50-50. I also think it only really works if you live very close to each other.

I'm sorry your little one is unhappy, that sounds tough. As a pp said, maybe look at changing the schedule so they're not away from you as long? Or can they video call you from their dad's?

We do 50/50 but my ex is abusive and that is what he wanted. I would've liked to have my child more but I didn't have the fight left when we separated. That was scary enough. My child actually says they don't miss me when they don't see me!

You said your marriage was loveless and I think you did the right thing. What gets me through is that I'm now not modelling an unhealthy relationship to my child and that it is ok to leave if you're not happy.

To be honest, being passed between houses every week is not ideal for kids and as they get older, they get their own ideas about this as you are finding out. Can you chat to your ex and see what he thinks and go from there?