My husbands family have never been anything other than lovely. They are a close family who all get on very well and spend a lot of time together, both sociably and professionally (family business). We live very close by and all get together maybe once per month on average - this includes his grown up siblings and two children.
I grew up in what I now realise was an emotionally abusive household. Dad is a textbook narcissist and I took the brunt of this, along with my mum. Displaying any sort of childlike behaviours was a no-no - he was in a highly respected job and we were expected to be immaculate, well behaved, highly intelligent mini-adults. He was controlling and coercive towards my mum, but we probably looked like an idyllic, privileged family to outsiders.
My parents divorced 20 years ago. I am very low contact with my dad. I have a good relationship with my mum but I struggle to show any sort of emotion or talk about feelings around her, which inevitably limits how close we can be - I honestly don’t think I’ve ever told her that I love her. Me and my sister get on well but she is also very non-emotive, so no sibling closeness or special relationship to speak of (we hugged on my wedding day for the first time in at least a decade and it was just weird).
I have just returned from a lovely afternoon with the in laws. Dinner together, time spent with the children being the fun auntie, casual chat, nothing remarkable at all. However after a few hours it was like a switch went off and I just wanted to leave. Now I’m home I feel so teary and overwhelmed. I feel incredibly guilty as there’s no way I’m hiding it but I can’t explain why. I worry that it leaves them with a really poor opinion of me as someone who’s grumpy and moody which isn’t the case, it’s just like I reach a point where I can’t handle being around them. I didn’t even want to hug them goodbye so I made a point of carrying lots to the car and faffing to give me a breather. I feel so horrible saying that but it was like I couldn’t stand the thought of having to hug them all.
I find it so hard to explain the impact my childhood has had because they have all grown up in a nuclear family situation surrounded by love. My mum is also the sort of person everybody loves, so whilst I know that she was obviously a victim too I still sometimes want to scream about the fact that she has, even in recent years, continued with so many of the behaviours which my dad used to show albeit on a lower scale (eg mocking any display of emotion, unable to apologise and instead blaming me for being over sensitive). However nobody will listen, she is lovely and obviously loves me very much and that’s all people see, which isn’t their fault.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for to be honest, anything that could help me understand why I’m feeling this way and what I could do to try and improve the situation. I’ve been through counselling and I understand the link between my childhood and adulthood so much more now but today has totally thrown me. I just feel incredibly sad.