Long distance relationship; he resents me for not moving yet

[xxlouisewellsxx]

Partner resents me for not moving to Spain yet as I said I would move about 6 months ago. Been together long distance about a year and a half. On my visits (months at a time) me going there and him coming here, we argue quite a lot so I have put the breaks on.

now whenever we talk, he makes me feel unwanted, resents the hell out of me, one word answers etc and generally I feel like I’m making all of the effort and he doesn’t treat me very nicely anymore. He says it’s because I haven’t moved yet and resents me for it. Now I’m stuck because I don’t want to move countries feeling how I currently feel, but can’t move forward as he isn’t treating me well. Long distance is taking its toll so I’m not sure in which direction to go. Any advice.

Dont go to a country where you will be isolated from all your friends and family and dependant on him.

There is a very easy solution. Tell him it is over. You have the power here. Just end the relationship and stay where you are.

You think it's bad now, just wait when you move there and he keeps treating you shit and you are in a different country feeling alone. Don't move and break up with him. He is not showing you to be worth it. See him for who he is.

Yes. Would you be moving to Spain if not for him? This relationship is not working for either of you. Just end it. Best for everyone.

What makes you think he will do this? @Olika

Get out now!

Because he's showing you what happens when he doesn't get his own way @xxlouisewellsxx and it's ugly behaviour.

Some back story would help though. How long have you been together and why haven't you moved yet? What's been delaying you?

You've only been together for 18 months, moving country at this point would be a very big step. If this is his best behaviour, what do you think he will be like in 5 years time?
Ask yourself how easy it would be to move back home again if it didn't work out. Will you have exhausted savings, interrupted your career, lost earning capacity? Tied up housing funds that you can't easily release?
You say you've already spent months at a time with him in his country, ad that it hasn't gone well. I suspect you'd be best calling the engagement off, but if you don't want to do that, don't make a permanent move yet.

The delay in moving DOES NOT explain his behaviour. That’s all on him, and is a taste of your life if you move. Once you do what he wants he’ll find something else to “resent” .

Well having seen almost this exact scenario play out with a close family member , don’t do it. Really , break off the relationship. It’s not going to go well for you if you move over there or continue a relationship with this man.

You've only been together for 18 months and are already engaged.

After how long together did you decide to move to Spain?

This all sounds much too quick.

His behaviour sounds controlling and highly unpleasant.

Please don't move abroad to be with him. You have no guarantees that things will get any better. In fact, they may well get worse.

@Devastatedandblindsided can I ask what happened with ur family member, do you mean the moving or the personality traits

Run! He’s shown you who he is. A mean nasty manipulator when he doesn’t get his own way.
Imagine moving out there and every time you do something he doesn’t like. Or don’t do something he wants he does this. Doesn’t want your family or friends to visit. Doesn’t like it when you talk to them on the phone. You become more isolated. Get away. This isn’t a person you want to marry

now whenever we talk, he makes me feel unwanted, resents the hell out of me, one word answers etc and generally I feel like I’m making all of the effort and he doesn’t treat me very nicely anymore. He says it’s because I haven’t moved yet and resents me for it.

^ this makes me think he will do it. His way of dealing with your situation isn't showing that you two are a team, that he has a healthy way to deal with challenges. The way he treats you ATM makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think you can count on him, truly rely on him, him really having your back and being there when life is hard.

What were the arguments about besides you not moving?

I have PMd you

Do you have a visa or the right to work in Spain? Or will you be getting residency through your relationship? It's not as simple as getting on a plane anymore. Never mind the fact that your relationship doesn't seem to be going well.

DH and I (originally from the same country) were friends and then in a LDR for 2 years before we got engaged, then another year before one of us moved countries. Before that we did a trial period of 6 months to see if we could actually live together. Yes there were difficult times but we never argued about how soon someone would move, because it was complicated and involved someone giving up their house and job and moving away from friends and family. A lot of planning went into moving to be together (still together after 26 years, now living in neither of the original countries!).

@xxlouisewellsxx - this is all rushed. You’ve only been together for 18 mths - it’s quite soon to be engaged and he’s already treating you badly. He’s showing you this is how he will behave if he doesn’t get his way when you’re together. If he’s that desperate for you to be together, why doesn’t he come here? Honestly, OP - let him go.

I lived abroad for a year as a young adult as part of my degree and initially intended to return there after graduation to marry my local boyfriend and settle in his home country. He didn’t sulk with me the way your BF is doing but he did make various comments which made me realise we had a very different idea about marriage so after a while I ended the relationship. It’s fine for you to do this.

Well if he can’t be nice to you when he should be missing you, then why would you move countries to be with him?

You can only stay 90 days in Spain without a visa if you are a UK citizen.

Have you thought about applying for a visa ? have you applied for a visa ?

What about work ? You need to work, but that will probably mean you need a visa

Can you speak Spanish ? to what level ? Good enough to get a job similar to the one you have now ?

If you have done nothing to prepare for moving abroad then I think you need to listen to that tiny voice in your head that's yelling at you to stay here.

It's over, isn't it.

You would be stark raving booked to move to a different country, and away from your friends/family/own home/job/support network, for a man who is already treating you badly.

It is possible to feel frustrated and still be loving and kind towards your partner. He's choosing to be a dick to try to manipulate you into going through with something huge that you're rightfully having doubts about.