Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sperm Donor

26 replies

Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 17:48

Afternoon All,

I have recently found out that my bf is on a page on FB on a different profile to donate his sperm. From what I can see this is done by AI, but I still feel weird about it. I don't really know what I feel tbf, I get he is "trying" to help people out, but there are official channels to go through and protocols in place for a reason.
Some of the guys on the page are seedy as f**k and want to donate PI, which makes me think they are just wanting to get their rocks off.
If he donates and the woman gets pregnant, what are the chances that the woman is then later down the line want something from him. I have questions I don't know how to ask.
Apart from this the communication with us is the best I've ever had in a relationship, even if he knows I'm not going to like the answer he tells me. I haven't told him I know about this yet, he was asleep when I went through his phone. Our relationship is no where near perfect, but for the most part we are great together. I feel like this is a breach of my trust, but is it any of my business what he does with his sperm if he isn't sleeping with these people?

Sorry for the rant, don't really know who to ask about this.

Thank you

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 18/02/2024 17:57

Why doesn’t he donate through the NHS? Why get involved with dodgy unregulated online donation?

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2024 18:01

If you feel the need to go through his phone then communication isn't as good as you say. You used to be able to be an anonymous sperm donor but now any DC can come looking for you n later years- has he thought about that?

Original poster
Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 18:14

Ofcourseshecan · 18/02/2024 17:57

Why doesn’t he donate through the NHS? Why get involved with dodgy unregulated online donation?

I don't know, as I mentioned I haven't spoken to him yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 18:16

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2024 18:01

If you feel the need to go through his phone then communication isn't as good as you say. You used to be able to be an anonymous sperm donor but now any DC can come looking for you n later years- has he thought about that?

Communication is good, however I have been hurt numerous times and sometimes I just can't help myself looking. He probably won't have thought of that, not sure how a DC would find him as his profile is with a different name!!!

OP posts:
richardhoymanwantshisknickersback · 18/02/2024 18:17

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2024 18:01

If you feel the need to go through his phone then communication isn't as good as you say. You used to be able to be an anonymous sperm donor but now any DC can come looking for you n later years- has he thought about that?

Exactly what I came to say. Why are you needing to go through his phone? And how would you raise it as a breach of trust when you waited til he was asleep to go through the phone in the first place? You need to tread carefully but yes he is playing a risky game.

Newsenmum · 18/02/2024 18:18

I mean the fact he hasn’t told you is such a red flag. And the whole thing feels seedy and gross tbh. Do you think you go for the wrong men? I’d get some kind of therapy or something as looking through his phone is not on.

BirthdayRainbow · 18/02/2024 18:19

You can help yourself to not look in his phone. You're choosing not to. I think for both your sakes you should end this relationship.

Original poster
Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 18:43

BirthdayRainbow · 18/02/2024 18:19

You can help yourself to not look in his phone. You're choosing not to. I think for both your sakes you should end this relationship.

My going through his phone isn't the point of the thread though, I'm curious as to other peoples insight into the Sperm donation! 💁
I have tried to finish it before, I can't seem to keep away. Yes I probably need help coz I'm clearly fucked in the head! 😲

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 18/02/2024 18:50

What he does with his sperm would become an irrelevant point as I'd leave.

You can stay away. You choose not to. I'm assuming you're an adult so take charge of yourself. If you want to stay with him, own it.

pearsandbear · 18/02/2024 18:58

It's creepy and unethical on so many levels so personally the relationship would be finished for me. Not something I want any involvement in.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2024 19:01

@Confusedgrownup there's a back story here, you have a problem trusting men - but that's not the point of your thread. If he's offering himself as a sperm donor, that's a problem 1) because it's going to be difficult to mention it when you're not supposed to know and 2) he may not have thought about the consequences. Now there's very much an attitude that a child should know where it came from, which your DP may not have thought about - does he want someone turning up in 20 years? Unless you tell him you read his phone I really don't know how you're going to start this conversation

Opentooffers · 18/02/2024 19:10

Why did you feel you needed to end it before? What else happened?
It would be enough to put me off, it's not great to obtain pets via FB, it's an awful way to try to obtain a baby. He's clearly doing it for money, selling his sperm. I doubt the NHS pays as much. Its totally unregulated though, so it takes a special kind of unfeeling person who cares more about the money, than if a related child is growing up in potentially poor circumstances- what kind of potenial parent would look to FB for a baby? It's grim all round, but hecjust sees the money.

Original poster
Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 19:34

Opentooffers · 18/02/2024 19:10

Why did you feel you needed to end it before? What else happened?
It would be enough to put me off, it's not great to obtain pets via FB, it's an awful way to try to obtain a baby. He's clearly doing it for money, selling his sperm. I doubt the NHS pays as much. Its totally unregulated though, so it takes a special kind of unfeeling person who cares more about the money, than if a related child is growing up in potentially poor circumstances- what kind of potenial parent would look to FB for a baby? It's grim all round, but hecjust sees the money.

He doesn't get any money out of it, so that isn't clearly the reason. Or at least as far as I'm aware, I think the most would be travel expenses.
Don't want to get into the other things you've mentioned.
Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Twazique · 18/02/2024 19:59

So he is using a fake name to offer women his sperm and then so they can't find him later?

He is not a nice person.

Genevie82 · 18/02/2024 20:37

… so how is this insemination being done exactly OP? .. the answer to your unease and his secrecy lies here I’m afraid. It’s an unregulated and frankly pretty dodgy arrangement not using donor sperm from a clinic for multiple reasons, not least the screening that the clinic does but also the legal agreements that are in place. Your BF is very likely meeting these women vulnerable enough to seek out some donor on the internet (your bf I see is giving false details about himself). There is famous case law about a man who was doing exactly the same thing, using it to have relationships later on with these women. Your BF properly has all sorts of pots on the boil, I think you should get out now, it’s all seedy stuff..

chickenpieandchips · 18/02/2024 20:46

His DNA and all those ancestry websites might be a big give away one day. Has he thought this through properly????

OdinsHorse · 18/02/2024 20:49

Confusedgrownup · 18/02/2024 18:43

My going through his phone isn't the point of the thread though, I'm curious as to other peoples insight into the Sperm donation! 💁
I have tried to finish it before, I can't seem to keep away. Yes I probably need help coz I'm clearly fucked in the head! 😲

Show quote history

No but your going through his phone shows a deeper problem than just his lying though, and it's a big issue.

SnackQueen · 18/02/2024 21:09

Sounds dodgy AF. I've read about men who regularly provide this 'service' to random strangers they meet on the internet in the States without any background checks, health checks or regulatory oversight. Scratch the surface and genuine altruism is not what is driving these guys.

sammylady37 · 18/02/2024 21:13

I feel like this is a breach of my trust

Horrible when people do that, isn’t it?

i haven’t told him I know about this yet, he was asleep when I went through his phone

fabio12 · 18/02/2024 21:30

His communication really isn't good my dear. He should have told you. Unfortunately if he isn't registered at a clinic he will more than likely not be using AI if he gets the chance (many women won't want it of course) and you need to have an STI check as it seems he is not going to have told you either way. Yes, because he is not doing this in a registered way every baby he produces can be DNA tested and he can be asked to pay for child maintenance. Even if he thinks he has protected with some "contract" he has made them sign no Court will not enforce the father of a child paying maintenance if it is their DNA. He seems naive and as if he is more than likely getting his rocks off, given the downsides.

fabio12 · 18/02/2024 21:33

Genevie82 · 18/02/2024 20:37

… so how is this insemination being done exactly OP? .. the answer to your unease and his secrecy lies here I’m afraid. It’s an unregulated and frankly pretty dodgy arrangement not using donor sperm from a clinic for multiple reasons, not least the screening that the clinic does but also the legal agreements that are in place. Your BF is very likely meeting these women vulnerable enough to seek out some donor on the internet (your bf I see is giving false details about himself). There is famous case law about a man who was doing exactly the same thing, using it to have relationships later on with these women. Your BF properly has all sorts of pots on the boil, I think you should get out now, it’s all seedy stuff..

This. It is not alturistic if he hasn't registered himself, had himself STI checked and tested for hereditary diseases. He has lied to you and he is in a relationship with you. What is he doing to women who presumably pay him to have a baby? Do you really think he is honest with strangers?

PeopleAreWeird · 18/02/2024 21:34

You say communication is good but he donates sperm without your knowledge

Thats huge!!!!!

Are you planning children?
They could end up with their half sibling and not even know, they could have children 😵‍💫

EarthSight · 18/02/2024 22:00

Is it really altruistic to give away or sell your genetic material, that might eventually become a child??? To deliberately engineer a situation whereby that child might never get to know its biological father, like that's nothing. 🤔I'm sure all the adults involved are happy, but no one thinks about the ethics of it or the effect it might have on a child.

This would totally put me off OP. I think there's a good chance he's doing it for the kicks.

Original poster
Confusedgrownup · 19/02/2024 10:24

EarthSight · 18/02/2024 22:00

Is it really altruistic to give away or sell your genetic material, that might eventually become a child??? To deliberately engineer a situation whereby that child might never get to know its biological father, like that's nothing. 🤔I'm sure all the adults involved are happy, but no one thinks about the ethics of it or the effect it might have on a child.

This would totally put me off OP. I think there's a good chance he's doing it for the kicks.

Edited

As far as I can see these donator are only paid for travel expenses. Most of the couples are same sex females wanting to start a family. It states on his messages that he donates AI. so many of them state this is how they want it. I'm assuming there is a kit you can buy online. (You seem to be able to get everything online now).
I am worried about a child turning up and saying your my dad. I dont sant kids anymore, I tried for years and hasn't happened. (Maybe that's part of why I'm upset by it). I've not tried with him it was with an ex fiancé.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 19/02/2024 16:59

For me, it's doesn't matter. Either he slots into the 'Getting my kicks' category, or he sits in the 'Well meaning in some ways, but is willing to give away his genetic material, his future children, as if it's nothing' category.

Swipe left for the next trending thread