How to deal with dating anxiety

[wendyhouser]

I'm so cross with myself but I just can't seem to calm myself down, I'm mid 40's and have been dating someone for 3 months, everything is good we are in daily communication, meet about once a week and for 1 month he was away and again all good kept up the communication, so no red flags at all.

He come home Wednesday from being away and Thursday we had a date which was lovely and this weekend he is seeing his children/family

But my anxiety is through the roof I'm constantly thinking he's not going to contact me or he's pulling away, I don't know why I think this when the reality is he contacted me this morning to say good morning asked how I slept and that he would be making the 3 hour drive home from visiting family soon

I don't know if I'm just feeling unsettled because he's been away but my anxiety is awful, I constantly feel in a state of panic and only calm down when I hear from him.

I think part of it is the fast we haven't really had a conversation about what we are I really didn't think it was worth it before he went away as it had only been a few months and I was aware he was away for a month and anything could happen, so now he's back maybe I do need to have that conversation but any tips of dealing with this would be appreciated

My only tip would be, keep busy. Try and occupy your mind with other things. It's pointless saying, don't worry because you clearly are. He seems genuine, from what you've said, so enjoy it. And in the meantime, between communications, keep your mind as occupied with other things as possible. If an anxious thought comes, acknowledge it for a second and then find yourself something to do.

When something feels unfamiliar it can cause anxiety. If you’re used to unhealthy relationships prior to this one then even if it’s all going well it’s still going to cause you to panic.

this level of emotional reliance isn’t healthy and you need to look within and figure out why this is triggering such a reaction in you. Having ‘the conversation’ won’t help much I don’t think as people can pull away / split up whenever even if there is a label on it. He’s showing you how he feels and where he wants it to go with his behaviour, which is great.

focus on yourself as much as possible, and to be honest, I think he’s likely to bring up the topic before you do. Which is better really as you won’t feel he’s been backed into a corner and only telling you what you want to hear.

I'm guessing you had past relationships that ended, and what happened in the final stages of those might be the answer to why you're anxious.

You feel he's the only one in control, has the power to hurt you etc. Be more casual, you control half the relationship. Trust yourself to pick a decent fella this time.

Yes I have had bad relationships in the past and men who were not interested in relationships so would breadcrumb me!

As I say things have been great and I would think nothing of just sending a message asking how his day was going or something in the past but the last few days I keep finding myself second guessing if I should or not. I'm definitely struggling with the unknown and your right I feel like I have no control at all in this

He really is a lovely guy, he's respectful, consistent etc so I really just wish I could relax

@wendyhouser I’m in a very similar position! Had an abusive marriage and left a few years ago. I’m now seeing someone new - been a few months and he’s consistent and thoughtful, no issues at all, and I still have days where I second guess!

Op I think you need to understand what went wrong in those last relationships so you won't be so scared of falling into the same traps.

Therapy might help. Or failing that, sit down and write it out about everything that went wrong, and write your own little manifesto/relationship rules type thing that marks out your boundaries.

So for example you don't want to be with someone who shouts at you, or is reluctant to give physical affection, or takes too long to respond to messages etc. You deserve to feel respected at every stage in a relationship, whether it's a sticker or not. If a partner starts to act like a shitbag, you'll value yourself enough to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.