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Original poster

Am I truly being taken for a mug?!

26 replies

tm123x · 18/02/2024 08:11

The title says it all really. I have 3 young children- 4, 22 months and 11 weeks. My partner and I have been together for 7 years and he's just morphing into the most selfish person I know.

He plays football every Saturday, 12-5, trains once a week then gym 2 times a week after work. I'm truly in the thick of it with the kids and I just feel like he's taking the piss. Yesterday he went to football at 1. Came back at 5 then announced he was going for a night out with the football lads and didn't get back in till 2 am - still asleep now. Meanwhile I've had to juggle all 3 bath, dinner bed with multiple wakeups.

Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed or is it just completely unacceptable for a father of 3 YOUNG kids to be acting this way?! I'm at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
friendswiththemonstera · 18/02/2024 08:16

I wouldn't put up with it. Or I would insist on getting the same time to myself at different times. And actually leave the house. My ex husband used to go for a run from 5.30pm to 6.30pm 3 or 4 times a week and it used to drive me bonkers because I never got any time to exercise, let alone at the most inconvenient time for us as parents. I asked him to go at a different time, flat no. It pissed me off but it's nothing compared to your situation. How much time do you insist on for yourself?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 18/02/2024 08:17

Yeah I wouldn't stand for that. When do you get time out from the kids?

You need to have a conversation where you explain how you're feeling but be prepared for him to dig his heels in.

My thoughts are you have to set your expectations out early on when you have kids. If you take the burden of childcare and the OH gets to do as he pleases it becomes really hard to change that down the line and your resentment will be huge.

Once you resent your partner it's not far until the love has gone. He needs to understand this.

Namechange666 · 18/02/2024 08:19

Congratulations, you have another child!

But in all seriousness, have a talk with him. It's ship up or ship out.

Mumoftwo1312 · 18/02/2024 08:23

Yanbu... you must be a superwoman because I get exhausted doing two evening routines on my own let alone three.

I think it's an uphill battle getting your dh to change if this is what he thinks is normal though, if he's stuck in the groove of thinking wives do everything. How are the other dads in your circle? Can you get him to chat to them to see how unfair he's being? Or are they all like that.

How long has he been like this?

Meadowfinch · 18/02/2024 08:23

What's the point of him?

My ex did that. The moment we had a child, he seemed to think he could revert to single man leisure, and I'd be at home looking after house, baby, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I also work full time. He paid his own costs but thought I'd turned into his mother.

In the end life was easier, cleaner, cheaper, more enjoyable without him. So eventually we left.

Perhaps you should explain that to yours.

OneLollipop · 18/02/2024 10:00

No, this is completely unacceptable. He is massively taking advantage of you and id using your labour to buy his leisure time. Suggest that next week he is in charge of the children for the times you've been solo with them this week. He'll have some excuse as to why it won't work, but the point is your relationship is hugely unbalanced. Unfortunately a man who is this uncaring towards his family is probably not going to have an epiphany and change though. Do you have other support?

SmileyClare · 18/02/2024 10:11

It needs to be fair.

Football training and a match on Saturday would be fine with me but not regular nights out drinking.

That should be balanced with you having some “me” time and him doing the evening shift with the dc twice a week.

Did you both plan to have three children under the age of 4? That’s incredibly hard and even strong relationships can crack under that sort of pressure.

Whether he’s prepared to take on the hard graft and relentlessness of 2 babies and a toddler remains to be seen.

You need to make this clear to him , tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and attempt to establish some ground rules you both agree on.

Sparklfairy · 18/02/2024 10:17

Track/log all of his 'me time' for the next week. Then on Sunday announce you'll be out doing x y z the following week, and make sure it takes the same amount of hours he had Wink

Not really a serious suggestion, it all depends how blinkered and selfish he is as to whether he needs to have you physically encroach on 'his' time, or whether a simple discussion will work, like two rational, reasonable grown ups. Obviously if he's morphing into the most selfish person you know, the latter might not be possible.

Mielbee · 18/02/2024 10:17

It is completely unacceptable. The only way it would be OK is if you had mutually agreed this time for him because you get the same amount of time back. He can't just announce that he is going out without asking you if it's OK - not because you are controlling him but because him going out means that you are taking on his share of the parenting. He can't just decide that for you.

Nonewclothes2024 · 18/02/2024 15:38

Absolutely would not (did not) put up with this.
What was he like when you only had one child ? Then two ?

hamsterswhiskers · 18/02/2024 15:54

He's a selfish nitwit (being polite there). My exH was similar. It was like being a single parent only with the added stress of wanting to smash his brains in every time he breathed. Note ex. A very frank conversation needs to be had and set out some boundaries and expectations. Counselling may help as an independent person can help a really open conversation

Watchkeys · 18/02/2024 15:57

Have you talked to him about it? If so, how did he respond? And if not, how come? What stops you?

Opentooffers · 18/02/2024 16:35

Did you really want 3 DC's so close together? That's a shock and an immense pressure on any relationship. Also, if he did this after 1st DC, he's likely to do it after the 2nd, then the 3rd. This is his lifestyle and he's not about to give it up for DC's. Did you expect change rather than discussing that things would need to change before you had your DC's?
I'm guessing here, you've assumed he'd adapt his lifestyle, whereas he's assumed it won't affect it because he expects you to do all the rearing separate to him - I think you will find basic misogyny and role stereo-typing is underling his attitude. All well and good within marriage, and if you are not expected to work as well as child rear it can work, but he hasn't put a ring on it has he? You are in a precarious position.

Pinkbonbon · 18/02/2024 16:40

Go away for a spa day next Sunday. A shopping day the one after that.

Take a trip to the cinema one weeknight a week.
Go to the bar with a girlfriend on another.

If he gets 4 hours on Saturdays, you get them on Sundays. If he says that's not fair, ask him why he thinks he should get time away and not you. Why he thinks you are the childcare/help?

Take back control over your life.
If he can't handle it, leave him.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2024 18:00

Nonewclothes2024 · 18/02/2024 15:38

Absolutely would not (did not) put up with this.
What was he like when you only had one child ? Then two ?

^^This

Is the behaviour new?

Will he listen?

And the OP doesn't just need 'tit for tat' She needs a PARTNER. A co-parent. Someone who loves and wants to care for his whole family

Doesn't sound like this is the one...

SpiritOfEcstasy · 18/02/2024 18:07

I broke up with my exH for the similar reasons. He simply wasn’t fair or treating me as an equal. Sadly OP if he doesn’t want to step up and be a real parent when you’re together it’s very unlikely he will if you’re apart though. My exH hasn’t seen our DDs for almost six years … they can’t be forced to take responsibility. Apart from financial - you can force that.

ADHDASCBAMEWoman · 18/02/2024 18:09

What does he do??

DH was out at a football match this Saturday 11-6 but Monday to Friday I'm out twice in the evening after work for social and my training. We share tasks equally and usually do them together tbh (cooking/bathtime/play)
We aren't perfect and I'm not trying to say we are but my god, your partner is just taking the piss.
DH used to play football three times a week (2 training and 1 match) when we got together. I told him that before we had kids he'd have to cut it right down - and that tbh 0-2 years old I'd expect no more than 1 footie sesh. (I was following the same expectation with my hobby) as the young years are rough and you've got 3!

On another note , you must have insane patience! I hope he can listen and reflect on his behaviour and you can move forward x

Guavafish1 · 18/02/2024 18:20

not acceptable.

Men are selfish

Tatonka · 18/02/2024 18:24

Obviously this is ridiculous, beyond ridiculous. Why did you have a third, I imagine he was just as useless when there were two kids? These threads are becoming seriously depressing. Give him a kick up the arse and get rid of him if he doesn't turn things around

Wishitsnows · 18/02/2024 18:25

Yes you are being treated like a mug. How often does he have all 3 alone? You need to ensure he does more frequently and not just for an hour and don’t let him see it as helping you out. It is just his job as a parent.

turkeymuffin · 18/02/2024 19:34

Who on earth thought 3 young kids so close in age was a good idea here? It looks like a classic case of the male checking out of the gritty parenting years. And you're not even married?! What are you going to do at home with the lions share of parenting & little prospect of keeping up your earning capacity? I'd say LTB, but actually you'd be better marrying him for a couple of years first, then divorcing his royal shitness & taking half his assets.

RandomForest · 18/02/2024 19:39

I*'d say LTB, but actually you'd be better marrying him for a couple of
years first, then divorcing his royal shitness & taking half his
assets.*

Yeah this.

He's a selfish one and you need to protect yours and your children's future because I'd lay money on it that this entitled hobby man will get to mid life and then expect the entitled mid life affair.

He has no idea of fairness, don't leave it to chance for him to be kind.
He will get worse.

SmileyClare · 18/02/2024 20:38

Some harsh responses but I have to agree that you’re in a vulnerable position with 3 little ones and unmarried.

Im not going to say LTB but you need to make it clear how you feel and the changes you need in his actions and attitude so that you’re sharing the load.
If he’s the breadwinner then it’s fair you shoulder more at home but at the moment he’s prioritising his social life, and assuming you are the care provider.

It is possible for you both to have outside hobbies or the odd night out but that needs to fairly agreed and arranged.

In terms of finances-it entirely depends on your circumstances. You should have your name on the mortgage (if homeowners) slightly different if you are joint tenants or in social housing.
Consider marriage or a civil partnership if you and the dc are going to be in precarious position in the event of him leaving/dying. That doesn’t have to be £££ to arrange.

BelindaOkra · 19/02/2024 07:39

The issue is he doesn’t seem to realise that he is being unfair. Has he ever looked after all 3 alone (or even two?). Does he have any idea how hard it is?

DH and I always supported each other to do our hobbies (had 3 kids) but not ones that took hours of family time. DH dropped cricket when the kids were young because it just wasn’t possible for him to spend entire days out the house.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him. Present it as a problem to be solved - see if he can move the gym to a different time for example. The sleeping in with a hangover is taking the piss, especially if regular.

gertrudemortimer · 19/02/2024 15:52

That is ridiculous when you have three young children! I don't know how you're managing to be honest. My first night without my son was the first night I moved into my own rental place when he was 5 and ever since then I've felt so much better, able to enjoy life and parenthood more. I'm not saying to separate but I couldn't cope with what you're putting up with and I only had one! What does he say when you mention it to him? Does he acknowledge the amount of energy it takes to look after three children under 4?