Instigated divorce but really sad

[Palacelife]

Now the dates for the order have come through.
its the finality of it. I’m almost paralysed with sadness this weekend
my DH behaviour has been shocking since we separated, he initially wanted to get me sectioned for leaving him, has sacked my brother who worked for him for 21 years, won’t pay his half of the mortgage and told the mediator to let the house be repossessed. He has used our daughter as a weapon, giving her a bank card and transferring whatever money she wants to keep her on side. During the marriage was physically violent and sexually abusive. He was manipulative and told me daily how much he done for me and towards the end of the relationship lay on the floor sick and refused to move the bathroom, s*ing himself on the floor and telling me I should not go to a work conference to look after him. (He was up on the sofa later that day so not unwell enough to not move)

so obviously I am BU but it’s the end of a long marriage and is still very sad.

I hadn’t felt romantically about him for a long time and often just felt guilty.

though I’ve listed all the bad things, that’s never the whole picture and there’s still a loss, loss of the family unit, loss of a sense of security and loss of an expected future.

I haven’t been able to have one real conversation with him since we separated over a year ago. he simply tells me what I think and feel and what my experience is.

I think it’s this impossibility, the fact that I can’t make it work even if I wanted to and the finality of the loss that is making me really sad

Just realised this is probably more of a journal effort! Any clarity and views would be appreciated though 😊

Write down all the things he did to end the marriage, and keep reading it. Move forward, don’t look back.

I completely understand how uncertain you're feeling. I too have filed for divorce but feel incredibly sad for all the reasons you've mentioned.
I hope this passes for you, like another poster has said, keep writing down all the bad things and the reasons why you've filed for divorce.

I divorced my ex and whilst it was 100% the right thing to do I still felt sad. It was the finality. Right up until that point there was always hope that he’d change, that I’d get back the man I thought I’d married. It was the giving up on a dream, on the future I’d expected. I was really surprised how sad I was. However it passes and my divorce was the best thing I’ve done in years. Just stick with it.