Classic mistake with dating after separation

[Ladymayflower]

I separated from my ExH last year - he walked out due to OW. It's amicable but the journey to get to where I am now (complete acceptance) was a bit rocky.
For the last few months I felt great about my future so decided to dip my toes into dating. I've done the work to process everything (including therapy), self care and I just wanted to see if I could find some company too. I had a fling with an old friend to get me back into the proverbial saddle but due to (different country) distance it wouldn't have worked out long term.
So I met a guy on OLD. Immediately knew (we all say this don't we l!) he was a good match. We just clicked, similar backgrounds, professions and values and it went quite fast. Open and honest communication. I was so smitten. I feel a bit cringe writing this. Within weeks we had seen eachother a lot and I know he felt the same. That this was something special to explore further. But at the same time he had a job offer in a different part of the country where distance would be a serious problem. He accepted and we discussed that we would just see what we could do to make it work - weekends etc.
but out of the blue he decided that he didn't want to LDR and it was better to call it a day now. I was blindsided by his message and very upset that he wouldn't even try.
Now, I know this was rushed and I shouldn't have let myself get carried away. He was not my first date but the only one I really really liked. I am not a multiple dater as that makes me feel rubbish. It was soooo early days to have to make concessions of LDR etc.
But I am still pretty upset. Heartbroken nearly (ludicrous as this wasn't love yet). I think the reject and the loss of the dream of what looked to be a perfect guy in my head hurts the most.
So MNs throw your wisdom at me. How do I recover? How do I move on? How do I learn? How long does it take? I've made a complete fool of myself gushing about this man to friends etc And now I feel sad, lost and lonely.

Didn’t want to leave you hanging but I can only offer the advice you’ve probably seen dozens of times on here.
Busy yourself with things you enjoy, try new things you’ve had in mind. Spend time with people who are uplifting.
Getting over a loss always takes time. These things will make that time pass quicker. I hope you feel less hurt soon

Totally agree with ubove poster

Good healthy distractions spending time on yourself emotionally

such as being curious about life ,
taking part in wide range interesting activities creative ones especially ,

Meeting up with good friends in a cafes or and elsewhere

even having well being pamper sessions with friends or on your own
Such as complentary therapies or joining a healthspa
visting the hairdressers appointment etc

eating healthy on a budget
Is important as its all too easy to neglet yourself when grieving any type of loss

If you spend quality time on yourself much less likely be so Needy emotionally
be more fullified emotionally

so more likely to be in better place emotionally so be more able to be selective on dating scene

So can be more discerning of Jerks and Arseholes and predatory males who can take advantage of you and exploit your naivety and vulnerabilities too..

@Ladymayflower
Also be aware emotionally of having good robust emotional boundaries in place to protect yourself
Such as what does a good relationship look 🤔 like to you
actually visaulise this emotionally

What are behaviours and attitudes you will accept and definitely not tolerate that are unbearable unacceptable to you in a potential relationship,

think about couples in your life who you just know who have a good relationship
what is it about their relationships make it that way,

Thank you so much for your replies. And suggestions. I will tap into all of this. I am overall ok and can honestly just blame myself for getting carried away to quickly. I'm quite a sensitive and emotional person so I feel quite "deeply" quickly.
And I just fell for the idea of being someone's special someone after the pain of separation last year.
I likely dodged a bullet anyway. And I still believe that the universe always has a plan.
Focusing on exercise this morning and a few coffee dates with friends where I can vent. And tomorrow it will be a new week and new plans.

Go easy on yourself!
I see a lot of self criticism in your post. You got swept up in a romance - this happens! Maybe better to be open hearted and and hopeful than cynical and bitter.
It’s ok to feel sad about a losing a relationship even a short one. Sometimes they are they are harder to let go as the Idealistic fantasy is still so strong with less of the actual reality of the person. So you can imagine them to be whatever you want rather than what they actually are. I think also loss brings back echos of other loss and. It sounds like your long term relationship ended in a fairly traumatic way so you may also be feeling reverberations of that.

My advice for getting through it -

Have you got any friends apps dating? Talk to them, laugh with them, commiserate with them. Really helps to share the experience with other people doing it (rather than well meaning long term married friends). Nearly everyone on the dating apps will have had an experience like this so will get it.

Find the gifts - look for the parts of this experience you can take away as a positive. Maybe that’s lessons you’ve learnt about yourself and your ability to connect and love again. Or experiences you had that you wouldn’t take back. All of dating is data about you and there is a some good data in this experience for you to use going forward

There are lots of good podcasts about dating with really helpful ideas about all stages and heartbeak. Some examples - do the work, Jillian on love, Open house with Louise, it’s not you it’s them. Dig around and see if you can find someone that speaks to you.

Abundance over scarcity mindset - how amazing you found someone you connected with so quickly. There will be more when you are ready . This man quickly showed you he wasn’t it so you can now see what else might be right for you. It won’t be the same but it may be better.

Try and find fun in the process of dating. Don’t fixate to much on an end result which will lead to frustration and disappointment

As others have said think about the things you like about your life and sink into them. Anything that helps you feel good about yourself and your life. But, also don’t try and fight the sadness if it’s there. You need to feel that and go through it. To get the highs from love, connection and romance we sadly open ourselves to the lows as well.

@Ladymayflower this will be bringing back the feelings of your previous rejection, hense why it’s hitting you so hard. You probably don’t need a LDR and all the extra worries that can entail after what you’ve just been through. Do fun things , tell yourself your gorgeous and get out there , have a few dates and let people treat you like a princess, don’t even think about anything serious, that will come in time ❤️

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. You got a bit swept up in the excitement, that doesn't make you a complete fool! I hope you start to feel better soon.

I’ve just done the same thing, and it’s really knocked me for six, spent a week in this glorious bubble at new year and still can’t stop it entering my head at every opportunity.

just listened to a good podcast on the difference between limerence and love on ‘do you fucking mind’ and it’s helped me feel like this is a common thing and I’m not completely unhinged.

I’ve gone between getting back on the dating apps to meet someone to help me get some perspective, to not wanting to meet people when we do match because I don’t want to get rejected from something seemingly great, to coming off the apps to Do The Work. It’s not easy to get your head straight.

When you split from a long term partner, the pain of the split and rejection for another woman in your case leaves you very vulnerable to what happened next. We are all human and we have an inbuilt need to be found attractive and feel loved. You found that and it gave you the dopamine hit that you craved. When it ends, as it often does in these situations; it is incredibly upsetting and you can’t understand why you feel as powerfully as you do.

Tine is the healer and perhaps spend some time alone and rebuild your fragile state.

it’s ok to feel like this though.

Bless you OP - a similar thing happened to my lovely friend recently - she started OLD after her 30 year marriage broke down (having taken a bit of time to sort herself out first), was enjoying it and feeling good, then met this bloke she thought the absolute world of, who really love bombed her too (wanting to make it "official" after two weeks etc -stuff I thought was alarming but she was falling for him so she loved it).

Then suddenly, after a month he sent a text saying he had decided not to pursue the relationship - it turned out he had got back with an ex, though we only found that out from his social media later.....

My friend was devastated, I think not so much about this guy himself (she had only known him a few weeks really) but because of all the potential he offered for a new life, new adventures ....

What has helped her a bit is to try to be honest about his imperfections (he was actually a walking red flag I think - she just couldn't see it) and laugh about him etc, and also to keep chatting with other guys, even though she has yet to find one she is really into. She has even had a couple of hook ups, just for fun, which she said have helped, so that's an option if you are comfortable with that (I know not everyone is - in fact MN seems quite anti-hook up generally and I sometimes feel bad for suggesting it!)

Talk to friends, do nice things, don't feel silly for being upset. In a way, it IS more upsetting to lose someone at the start of a relationship before you have the chance to discover how shit they are - i remember another friend once telling me she was more upset at the loss of a two week Tinder flirtation than she had been at the end of her ten year marriage! And I really do get that......

I love this post so much 💗

Thank you!

I did 9 months of apps dating last year a couple of years after ending a ten year relationship with children. I know how much it’s generally disliked but actually managed to have a pretty good time with it and grow a lot from it. There were definite highs and lows though!

Now in the early stages of a new relationship which is also a whole new stage of learning and growth 😂

@Rainsunrainsun arh, that's lovely to hear! We never stop learning really, do we?

Thank you all so so much - your messages of support, encouragement and understanding made me burst into tears. I do think I have a tendency to be very self critical - it must be my fault when things go wrong which likely stem from my marriage breaking down.
Dating is a journey of self discovery and I know something good will come out of this one way or another once I'm done licking my wounds.
Someone told me that the heartache has nothing to do with length of a relationship but more how much you invested into that relationship. And I think that rings true to me here. I was swept of my feet and really revelled in it. I readjusted my expectations of what the relationship could have been when we first met to accommodate this new job which we agreed on. And I think the fact that the bloke simply then made a decision (his prerogative of course) without allowing me to say my peace or discussing it like we had done other things, just left me sitting here baffled and indignant. Shut down communication to avoid hard conversations. Like my feelings aren't valid or deserving of being heard. Which then triggers the old wounds of the separation.

But dusting myself off and recognizing that this will be his loss. And I likely dodged a bullet.
Thanks again MNs - you are truly an amazing community for advice.