Your tips on being more positive and less high-strung?

[BabyBforever]

I’m a FTM to a lovely 11m old. As a family, we do not have an extended support network as we live far away. As a result, I find myself feeling overwhelmed at times and get irritable very easily with DH. He is a very loving and caring dad/husband who doesn’t deserve my negative emotions but I find it so difficult not to lash out at him for the slightest thing. It’s getting to a point where he is now becoming worn down by it all and often shouts back at me which ends in a row, sadly at times in public, too.

Do you have any tips on how I can break this cycle of negativity? I do feel I am the problem as I expect too much out of life and get unreasonably upset when things don’t go quite as expected. I think changing my approach to life would benefit us all as a family.

TIA

Hmm...

My son is 2 and a half now and I've been very up and down with similar emotions. Tbh I think I've been muddling through post natal anxiety the whole time.

We also don't have family support. What has helped me is to really think about where the pressure points are in my day (when I'm likely to get irritable and snap) and talk with husband about how he can support me through that. He works from home which helps a great deal.

Are you getting enough time to yourself? I'm terrible for getting sort of lost in motherhood. I give too much to my child and lose myself. Make sure you're taking time to do things you like to do that have nothing to do with being a wife or mother.

Time together as a couple has to be scheduled in or it won't happen. Life just runs away from you with young children. Have you made any mum friends? We became good friends with a couple who have a child the same age as ours. They also have no family in the area so every month we take a turn babysitting for each other. Our children get a play date and the other couple get an afternoon/evening to themselves.

The turnaround for me was starting my son in nursery at 2. He does a few days a week and absolutely loves it and I work 2 days and keep one day to myself. I can go swimming, meet up with friends, go to the cinema, or just relax at home.

I'm still working on things. I'm an anxious person and also terrible for shutting down in my own world when I'm stressed. Bad combination with a partner as my default response to stress is to be on my own. I have to work incredibly hard not to pull away from my husband. I still don't always do a very good job of that.

@Guesstherevels thanks for your reply. I only get time for my self when I go to the gym twice a week. I get lost in motherhood too and almost feel guilty for exercising and leaving LO at home. He will be starting nursery very soon so maybe things will change for the better but I do think I really need to work on my personality

Has this only started since the baby was born. Or is it that the baby has amplified what’s already there.

Shouting at one another in the street is ghastly and as the person who was the one worn down I can’t begin to tell you how devastating it is. Maybe try to find a therapist to understand what part of you is being rewarded by lashing out at him.

@LeoTheLeopard the baby has amplified what’s already there or simply shifted my triggers. Whereas before I’d be triggered by house related stuff (like husband dropping crumbs on floor etc) I am now triggered by anything related to baby that I perceive to be negative, for instance husband on phone whilst looking after baby.

I am in the process of finding a decent therapist. I’ve come on here though with the hopes of finding real-life practical advice.

At around that stage Dh and I didn't get on well. I truly think men can't understand what it is like to have your body invaded by pregnancy, then scarred by childbirth, then drained by breastfeeding and a new, unpaid 24.7 job with sleep deprivation thrown in. their lives don't change in anything like the same way - their bodies haven't been harrowed and they are sold the myth that motherhood is this sweet smiling glow that comes naturally to all women.

For us, the breakthrough was to structure our weekends into 4 hour chunks of time: Friday night, Saturday morning, afternoon, evening. Same on Sunday. That's 7 good blocks of time in total.

Every weekend we'd each get a four hour chunk on our own, to do whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted, and the other one would look after the children. If it's a lie-in, the other one takes DC out or entertains them so they don't pester. We'd have a chunk of time where we went out ourselves and got a sitter in. A chunk where one minded the children and the other did chores, and then vice versa. (That stops men from thinking you can simultaneously entertain a baby while cleaning, cooking and shopping as effectively as before.) And two chunks of time when we did something nice as a family - either a whole day out or two half days. Obviously that leaves 8 hours for 'sleep' - take turns having an unbroken night, and another 4 hours each day to eat and shower and faff.

If you do this every single weekend for a few weeks, you settle into a rhythm where both adults feel their needs are met and respected; where jobs get done and - best of all - great fun is had as a family and a date is squeezed in each week.

Final tip, we learned from experience - don;t pay a babysitter then go out for a drink or dinner, You just end up glaze-eyed with nothing to talk about except your child or your relationship issues. Have dates that give you new, fun common ground and stuff to talk about. Go to comedy clubs, theatre, films, gigs, concerts, ice skating, rollerblading - whatever you truly love doing.

It sounds like you’re doing a lot without much support around. You probably aren’t getting enough rest and your DH is the only person you can vent to.
I get how difficult it might be, but maybe try to rest at any little opportunity so you don’t get too tired

I’ve been exhausted at times and also get snappy and irritable. Be compassionate with yourself and acknowledge it is tough having children without family support around.

the fact you reflect on yourself is a great thing and so many people are incapable of that but avoid the tendency to be too hard on yourself as that won’t assist change. You need to be compassionate and acknowledge your own needs. Then meet those as best you can

Have you been to the doctor to look at blood tests for vitamin deficiencies, screeners for depression/anxiety?

I'd recommend doing that because it won't help if those things are present.

But honestly you sound more burnt out from carrying the majority of the load. How much do you feel able to talk to DH? Could you sit down at a neutral time and say you want to figure out what's behind all this negativity and try to work out between yourselves how much you're doing for DC and in the house compared to how much he is doing? There is a book and card deck called Fair Play which is supposed to help with this. Or there are comics/articles which are good starting points for discussion, like "she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink" or "the mental load comic". Or relationship counselling so you have a framework to discuss this which is more neutral and doesn't get instantly rejected as you complaining "again".

@AmaryllisChorus reading your comment felt like a warm hug. Have been thinking the same about men and having children. We’re already working on that block structure. We just work them around baby’s naps atm.

@Palacelife thanks. The only problem is that I feel stuck in the reflection stage 😅

@BertieBotts thank you, I will look up the book. Im able to talk to DH about everything. It’s the way I do it that’s the issue

Final tip, we learned from experience - don;t pay a babysitter then go out for a drink or dinner, You just end up glaze-eyed with nothing to talk about except your child or your relationship issues. Have dates that give you new, fun common ground and stuff to talk about. Go to comedy clubs, theatre, films, gigs, concerts, ice skating, rollerblading - whatever you truly love doing.

This is very good advice