2 years separated and the time away from kids still completely breaks my heart

[ReflectiveRon]

I'm in counselling and this is basically what the outcome was today and I sat and cried my eyes out. I totally and fully acknowledged this for the first time. My ex is not fully out of my life although there is nothing emotional or sexual between us anymore I have him in my home far too often when it's his time with the children if they want to stay at home. They are only young- 5 and 8.

I know I can't move on unti I stop this but I feel so saddened by the finality of it all if I do and also having to be away from my children half the week. In the two years since he left, I've joined a gym where I go regularly, a yoga group, a craft group and I run social events for my work. None of it has filled the void of not having my children at home with me 7 nights a fortnight. I hate it.

At night, I go into their rooms and see empty beds half the week and my heart breaks. All this time I've made out to others that I'm enjoying single life, seeing friends, learning new skills and I'm fitter and healthier than I've ever been, but I just want my kids with me. So sometimes, when they would rather stay at home with me, I invite their father over to spend time with them instead and he happily obliges.

I think had they have been older, this would have been easier. But they are so young and I feel I'm missing out on so much. My youngest was just 3 when he left. After all this time, I am not sure I can ever feel ok being a part-time parent whilst they're young.

My ex has said he would like us to get back together again, but after a betrayal which caused us to separate, I can not feel anything towards him romantically. I do not feel safe with him emotionally. I don't love him in that way anymore. However we do get along.

It feels that there is not great outcome here. My children are my everything even when I do have a life outside of them. I have no idea what to do or how to manage life divorced. We are yet to divorce and have been stalling on this, both of us avoiding the finality of it all.

I have asked him to join me in relationship counselling to try and build a romantic relationship again so that we can get back together but he point blank refuses, saying that this is the one thing he will not do. It seems there is no way forward.

I wonder if anyone has some sympathetic advice? I'm happy to consider a non-conventional family set up to get around things.

• just to clarify my ex wants to get back together but blatantly refuses relationship counselling.

My heart genuinely hurts for you, I don't think I'd do well being away from dc half the time. However if your ex wants to resume the relationship entirely on his terms and isn't willing to put any work in to make it better, going back isn't going to be the answer.

You have your answer from your H: he will let you slink back into the role of full time wife if you accept absolutely shit treatment.

Push through on the divorce and find your life on the other side. With some luck, when it becomes inconvenient, he will stop asking for 50/50 time.

Hi, just to say I understand. I'm seperated and the empty beds, handovers and time without them is just heartbreaking. It sounds like going back is not a possibility. I don't suppose your ex is open to maybe lessening his time, even by one night a week?

Relationship counseling won't make you love someone ,you surely want it to happen to stop this part time parent thing. Tbh you eventually have to accept it because it's the consequences of divorce

You would he okay with lessening your parental time because your partner is not copying with equally shared time ?

I'm sorry you're going through this too @whatsoccuringnow . It's so painful for a mother to experience isn't it. I always thought I'd welcome the break before he left but I don't feel that way at all in reality. I always thought that he would slowly fade out on the 50/50 split as when we were together he always had something else he'd rather be doing than being with the family but it seems he's rejuvenated as a part-time parent as he can please himself the other half of the week without any complaints. I can't see him giving any time up, the only way he's happy for them to be with me more is if he's here too.

Its the other way around: he is happy to let you have them as long as he can intrude into your space. Stop doing that. Its damaging to you and the children to have such poor boundaries and it makes parenting too easy for him.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP. I will be brutally honest. I don't relate to feeling this way about my own children. I miss them when they are with their dad. But I also know that they love their dad and miss seeing him everyday. They are safe and well cared for with their dad. While I get to enjoy my own time without them. I need that time alone to refresh.

I think you just need to rip the plaster off. This limbo isn't good for anyone and is probably more damaging for your kids. The lack of boundaries will be confusing for your kids. I think your ex is only trying to skulk back in again because you won't cut him off. He thinks he still has a chance. I still get on with my ex but I have very clear boundaries with him because I want him and our kids to be clear that there will be no reconciliation. Stop him being in your house. Fake it until you make it with the kids being away. Shut the door on their room and don't go back in until they're home. The more you get used to it, the easier it will become.

This isn't the life anyone planned for their families. But it is the life we have. Make the most of it. If your kids see you are relaxed and positive about the situation, they will be happier to go with dad.

Completely agree with this!

How often are the kids wanting to be at home with you instead of going to Dad's house??

Maybe it's time for a review of timings.

If you stopped him coming to yours on "his" time, do you think he would insist of the kids going to his regardless of their feelings?

It sounds like he doesn't value you as a potential romantic partner again, he just wants you to get back together and do all the shit work without putting any effort in himself. So getting back together as a couple is a definite no.

I can really sympathise. I'd hate my kids to be away from me half of the time.

Hi op I get your feeling. I didn't do as much as you to try to take my mind from the children not being here with me. But it did take will power and you must understand its better for the children. to have a father that's involved then a absent father

I would just keep inviting him to stay at yours as he doesn't seem to mind. My husband and I went through 4 years of sleeping in different bedrooms. However we were civil to each other for the sake of the children. One day we decided to start talking, would go to a coffee shop and just talk. We eventually had 8 sessions of counselling. However I can't say those sessions were any better than us just talking heart to heart. That was almost 10 years ago. We have since rebuilt our relationship. It's not what it used to be however none of us can imagine staying out of our children's life. So it works for us. I can see us spending our old age together. Life has ups and downs and it doesn't always go in a straight line

It took me 3.5 years to accept the time apart from my kids. It was hard but we're all good now. I fully sympathise.

How many bed rooms do you have? Could you accept having him as a flat mate?

Or a custody agreement where they spend every other weekend at his house, but he visits them at yours on a Wednesday? Or pick a night when they have clubs etc and he can do the taxi job.