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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do I do

16 replies

Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:12

Hi ladies,

I need to rant cause I feel completely furious and don't know who to speak to.

Married 5 years. 2 children 1 and 3.

Husband is self employed trade man and it's really not going well. To the point he sat on his ass for 3 whole weeks and didn't bring a penny into the house. I told him he needs to get a full time employed job cause it's not fair on everyone bailing us out. He lost his job back in October and joined forces with his pal and having been doing construction based work together. I work full time from home with the kids with me and they go to nursery a few times a week.

He's hardly had any work since October my parents have been paying for absolutely everything. My bills and some of my rent. I make enough money to cover nursery and car etc but that's literally about it. I applied for some jobs for him and he got the job! Waiting on a start date etc. I said to him if you don't get a proper job we are done, he needs to face reality that it is working being self employed especially sitting on his ass doing nothing.
I started to resent him.

I do everything in the house literally every thing. Washing, cooking, washing up, hoovering cleaning. Taking kids to nursery, bath time dinner time. Wake up early EVERY DAY. All whilst working. I feel like a single parent. I have said to him to sort it out cause it's not fair I mentally drained and if things don't change we might as well split cause I am doing everybring anyway so wouldn't make a difference being on my own.

Last two weeks he managed to get some work and has been working all day and until like 7pm.

Last night he messaged me at 6:30 saying on my way home. 3 hours past nothing. I rung him more times than I can count messaged him etc and nothing. We had NO food in the house the kids had scraps for dinner cause we had nothing.

Got to 10pm he rung me pissed saying he was at the pub and it's no big deal.
I kicked off I'm not having it. Years ago he used to do this to me every week when I was pregnant with my first which continued for over a year.

I said f you, don't bother coming he. Post my car keys in the door and stay away cause I am not putting up with it. (He took my keys to work by accident)

He tried coming into the house at 11 I had the chain on so he went back out. Woke up this morning and he was on the sofa can in via the back door.

And when I say he's been horrible I mean he's been horrible. Hanging out his ass. NO help with the kids, laid up the sofa or in bed all day. Hasn't communicated with the kids all day but had the audacity to say to my 3 year old daddy's moving out cause mummy don't love me.

Honestly I am at breaking point, I feel like Im an absolute mug, I do everything, I work all the time yet have the kids no help and he treats me like this.

This evening I was looking frantically for my poorly 1 year olds dummy and he wouldn't even help me as it's "my issue"

He needs to grow the hell up!!

Sorry to rant I just cannot take it anymore feel like I've been stuck in a rut for 13 years.

OP posts:
Denimdenimdenim · 17/02/2024 19:29

Why on earth are you still with him?

ChocoChocoLatte · 17/02/2024 19:30

You'd be better on your own. Thank goodness for your parents.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 19:31

Tell him he owes half of what your dps have loaned you.. When he has paid it back ltb.

StopStartStop · 17/02/2024 19:32

Fuck that. Leave him. Go to your parents until you get on your feet.

Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:32

@Denimdenimdenim I generally wish I new I think I am just stuck in the same thing day in day out and have no had a time to generally think about myself...

@ChocoChocoLatte I know! If it weren't for them I don't know how I would cope. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread

OP posts:
Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:33

@StopStartStop I wish I could but they only have a two bed and their house is quite small my brother lives there too.

I work from home too, he has to go!

OP posts:
Doubleapple · 17/02/2024 19:34

Jeez, put him in the bin! You've been doing it for so long on your own anyway, get rid of that extra stress of him hanging around. I would be mortified if my parents had to step in financially because the father of my children was too lazy to get a Job!

StopStartStop · 17/02/2024 19:34

Fabulous! Get him out!
Your life will be so much better.

Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:35

Yeah, I just need to be positive about it. Feel like he's dragged me down for so so long. Literally I used to be so strong just now mentally drained

OP posts:
Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:39

I know we are so different now. We have been together since we were 14, we are now 27. I don't want to get to 30 seriously miserable more than I am now. Not only that but it's not fair on my kids

OP posts:
Denimdenimdenim · 17/02/2024 19:39

If you do plan on leaving him, get your bits in order. Make sure you move money from any joint accounts etc.

Mum2two2022 · 17/02/2024 19:45

@Denimdenimdenim definitely... still waiting on him to send me the bill money from weeks ago as it is. Causing us to go behind....

OP posts:
Andthereyougo · 17/02/2024 19:59

That’s no way to live, OP, and for him to go to the pub when you’re struggling financially and single handedly is disgusting.
Whose name is on the tenancy?
I’d present him with a bill for what he owes towards bills then kick him out.

MorticiaSand · 17/02/2024 20:33

I am a property developer. No skilled tradesperson is out of work, and there is usually a waiting list of weeks to months to get an appointment with competent trades people. I am very nice to my reliable trades suppliers as they are like gold dust to property developers and managers like myself. I had to wait 6 weeks for my electrician to find an afternoon to do some wiring at my house as he had been flat out on other jobs. That was with him prioritising me because he gets lots of jobs off me in a year. Therefore, I can only suppose your husband is not trying to find work very hard, or else he would be super busy. If he has a CSCS card, he could get work on housing developments, and supplement the income with smaller jobs for householders. Given your other complaints about him, you would be financially better off as a single parent. You could claim benefits as a single parent, which would top up your income. As it stands, it sounds like you are looking after an extra (man) child, and that must be very frustrating with young children at home. Your husband doesn't need to leave the marital home to qualify for single parent benefits. You just have to tell DWP that you have separated. The Citizens advice bureau can give you advice on this, and you can check your entitlement on websites like entitled-to.

karrie92 · 18/02/2024 01:20

I’m sorry you are going through this, he’s gotta go, no offence he’s taking you for a mug. I don’t know how long you have dealt with this for but he needs to fix up

sammylady37 · 18/02/2024 06:57

Years ago he used to do this to me every week when I was pregnant with my first which continued for over a year

And yet you stayed and had a second child with him 🤦‍♀️

You can’t change that now obviously but hopefully seeing this will give another woman pause for thought before she ploughs ahead thinking she can change a man like this.

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