Men who don't enjoy the young kid years/ family life

[Torturedpoetsdepartment]

I've NC for this post and I'm going to be a tiny bit vague as people I know use mumsnet.

Since our DD was born (toddler) I feel like our relationship has struggled as DH just doesn't enjoy family life. He is OK if we are spending time with other families or our extended family. However he finds lots of day to day stuff boring and difficult and complains about how much better his weekends used to be/how much time and freedom we used to have. I think he feels trapped then I feel resentful that he doesn't want to be as involved as I see other Dad's being. I also know he struggles with his mental health and I wonder if he had a male version of PND as he really struggled to bond with our child to begin with. I know he feels he isn't a great Dad although I try and reassure him that he is. I just sometimes get frustrated by it.

We are also meant to be ttc no 2 and I feel like it's only responsible to put it on hold but that also makes me feel pretty resentful tbh. I just worry for the wider implications for our relationship long term. We have had some very happy times but I look at other families and feel like they are more of a unit where both parents like parenting.

Did anyone have a situation like this and did it improve when DC got older? Please be kind as I feel quite sad about it tonight.

I don't think that's outing, the majority of relationships have this to some extent.

Can he get some counseling? Talk to other dads? There's a charity called bluebell or something that helps dads.

I think some people suit different phases of parenting and early years aren't everyone's bag. You've got to just ride with it.

Does he spend much time with DC alone? Toddler age is a good time to find things he actually likes and take DC out eg to swings, to see pigeons, swimming, to shows or library etc etc. You get out what you put in.

Yes, some aspects of parenting are mindless and dull, you've got to engage with it to find what's interesting to you.

The early years are tough, when I look back now DH and I were so unhappy, not with each other, but with family life, weekends were such hard work. It was so tedious. I can see how relationships break down at this stage. The way we got through it was as a team, being honest with each other, ensuring we both picked up the load and shared what we could (lie ins etc), used babysitters, went out for meals when kids were in nursery etc etc. We got out the other side and we love family life now, still appreciate our breaks and time alone, but also have our strengths and elements of parenting and family life we enjoy. We are just quite similar personalities in that regard and didn't enjoy the baby and toddler years, something we endured mostly I guess.

So make sure you keep talking, help each other out, it is NOT excuse for him to check out or do less, but figure out how you can stay on the same team.

Yes it is mainly weekends. Such a first world problem. I feel like one wet Saturday and we are on the brink of divorce (joking a bit).

He doesn't feel confident taking her out alone much and I'm trying to encourage that but he does look after her in the house if I go out. But wouldnt say he enjoys this. He does have a "big" job whereas I went part time when she was born so I do most of it. I know all couples struggle but I see other men really enjoying doing stuff with their DC.

We are happy as a couple but I worry we are not a very happy family unit always. I mainly love being a mother so there is a disconnect.

Same as @apwlgamgo here.

My DH felt the same as yours op. But he also knew/learnt that you get out of something what you're willing to put in, so he knuckled down and got on with it... though, he had to have that pointed out early on.
I remember at about 6 months I was able to sooth crying DC easily and he sulkily complained he couldn't do that... I replied I'd earned that, by showing up each and every time DC needed me, so I was a reliable source of comfort... The penny dropped and he engaged much better after that - being present and building the future he wanted with every day he showed up and made it good
To be honest, knuckling down was what I was doing too. I can do the baby / toddler years as I'm a good nurturer but I much prefer the older years. Sure there are delightful moments (many!) and I loved them deeply, but it was, effortful and your own desires/while are firmly in the back burner, especially if you have little family support as I did!

I think if he can know that his feelings are completely normal and, though not all, many people feel the exact same way that's a good thing.
Because it's both a comfort... knowing that this stage is hard and the change of lifestyle can chafe. It also is a boot up the bum because everyone else is not blithely sailing through it having a fun time, they are just choosing to make the best of it and that's what he needs to do, with understanding and support maybe, but only he can make that happen.

The only way to get through that stage is to throw yourself into it and remember you'll get your freedom back in time... Especially if you take things positively because your marriage is more likely to survive so you're more likely to eventually reap the rewards of your investment in your lovely family. This stage is all about creating a strong relationship bond and being there for the tough stuff, if you do that the following years are easier because your foundations are strong.

My DH had one day a week when he was in sole charge of our DC (while I worked)... He didn't find it easy but it did force him to get stuck in. I had to coach him to see what helped and what didn't, but the perspective was useful for him.

Or kids are 11&13 now and he's got a great relationship with them and we love our family life. The toddler years were a slog (poorly from a personal point of view) even though they were also precious.

Are there activities your DH could do with your toddler?

My husband takes ours to swimming 'lessons' at the weekend and it's a great time for them to be together and he isn't expected to make it 'fun' because it's all teacher led. Most of the weekend group is men with their children, so it could be a good time to meet other men in the same situation?

DH was very similar. He didn’t really want DC but agreed because it was so important to me. He found the early years really tough (don’t we all!), but still did his share of night wakings, laundry, cooking, taking them to the park, swimming lessons etc, but he was going through the motions really, he found it all a bit ‘Groundhog Day’ which of course it is!

DC are 12 & 14 now and he gets far more pleasure from them. He and DD cook together, he enjoys watching DS’s athletics and rugby and of course DC are far more independent. We can go out for dinner and don’t need to worry about the kids playing up, can go on holiday and enjoy trips out without all the stress of young children. I didn’t much enjoy the early years much either if I’m brutally honest.

In my family, this is me. DH has adapted much easier to our new way of life with our two daughters (3 and 1) and whilst he definitely finds it hard and overwhelming at time, he is genuinely very happy. I am not unhappy per se but there is no doubt in my mind that I was happier before we had children and I greatly miss my pre-kids life. I still play the part; I join in all the activities and for the most part I never let on but sometimes the mask slips and DH knows that this is just not what I had hoped it would be.
It does get progressively easier the older my DC get and I genuinely look forward to plans we have in the future with my girls. We also make sure that we both have time to ourselves and we each have at least one day each a month fully to ourselves whilst the other stays with the children, which I couldn't do until quite recently because my youngest was still so dependent on boob; but we really prioritise it for us both now and it has made a world of difference to my happiness levels.

Just look after each other and try not to make him feel that there's something wrong with him because he's not enjoying this as much as you think he should. There is absolutely no way for anyone to prepare you for having children and the problem is of course there's no going back once you're there so, for some people like me and it sounds like your DH, you just have to ride it out and do your best for as long as it takes to get to the other side and I think that's a lot more common than many people let on.

I didn’t love the young child years either 🤷‍♀️ (two non sleepers and various medical issues didn’t help) but we chose to have them so I did the best possible job and found enjoyment wherever I could (toddler hugs and laughs are amazing) while looking forward to them getting older!

That’s the attitude I expected from DH as well - I didn’t expect him to love every minute, but certainly expected him to put his best foot forward, make an effort and not whine about something that we chose to do. And he did.

I don’t think you can expect someone to be a small child person if they’re not but you CAN expect someone to pull their weight with the chores and make an effort to be fun for the sake of their DC.

Yes my (ex) husband hated the baby years - he actually left because of it. Now they are older and sleeping more at night and potty trained and I've turned them into decent little human beings he's trying to sniff around more and play worlds greatest father

Did he want a boy, by chance?

No not at all. He also did want DC but I think hadn't quite realised what it entailed day to day.

I agree with all PP that he should be just faking it until he makes it more. I get frustrated when he doesn't get stuck in but I also know he beats himself up for not coping well.

I just worry the resentment will build up and then when we have older child/children who he might enjoy more our marriage will be fucked. Hearing about other people's experiences really helpful.

I am also desperate for a second but he is quite ambivalent about it. This is another source of tension.

I think you can also portion up spare time (weekends etc) so it's predictable.

Take turns doing bedtime. Saturday mornings he takes DC out. He can build a repertoire of places that work, start out with simple trip to nearest playpark and work up. Then some time all together and some time he gets to himself over the weekend.

I find one of the causes of tension is almost being at liberty but then not being able to grasp it, if you plan out your time a bit then you know when you'll have time to yourself and when you'll be with DC eetc.The days of doing completely anything you want all the time are gone for at least ten years so you might as well find a way through.

Dh has a friend with DC the same age, they've got a little system of meeting up every fortnight or so. Same park, same cafe, kids get to know each other, men catch up.

A clear message for your dh is that no one enjoys all of parenthood, he's not failing because there are things he doesn't like. Some of it you just need to grit your teeth and get through. Stop expecting all of life to be delightful!

Has he read any books about parenthood? I found that helpful too.

It could be PND. It affects one in ten men but no one really looks out for it in the way health visitors are supposed to for women. Indeed, because of trying to identify domestic abuse health visitors will often not even speak much to dad - certainly not on their own. I am not suggesting they should, just that it is probably the primary way PND is picked up in women and no one is watching for the men.

Having said all that, the first years are simultaneously amazing and mind numbingly dreary. I sometimes think of some great thing I would be doing if they were not there. Just today I was thinking how much I had always wanted to do the inside passage cruise from BC in Canada up to Alaska and how that wouldn’t happen any time soon now. But then I look at them and think meh…it is only a different set of memories I would have and I would rather the memories of my children.

Also I am on the second pair of kids after a long gap. So there is 18 years between the oldest and youngest. I would say whilst you are going through it sometimes it feels soooo slow. But it is actually over too quickly and I look at my youngest now and it makes me a bit sad that his toddler days are just about behind him.

Parenting young kids is tough and often relentless. However he kind of needs to make up his mind if he is going to accept that he is now a father and make real attempts to bond with his child and commit to what weekends with a small child look like or if he is just going to spend the rest of this time looking at the freedoms you lose when you have small kids.

At the end of the day not everyone finds the love they have for their kids and the rewards of parenting outweighs the loss of freedom and not having to constantly consider another small human totally reliant on you. He amy be one of those types in which case he’s best stopping at one kid he regrets vs two.

Has he read any books about parenthood? I found that helpful too.

Yes as I recall DH found it helpful reading Toddler Taming which basically spells out that toddler defiance/tantrums are normal and it doesn’t mean your child is defective… (for some reason me telling him this didn’t make as much impact as reading it in a book 🙄🙄🙄)

My DB is like this. Self indulgent and whiny, complained endlessly after DC1 (a planned child) - no time for friends, for drinking, no time for partying, resentful of having to play and engage with DC.

after a near marriage breakdown, they had DC2 and of course nothing has changed. He left his wife with both kids when DC2 was 6 weeks old to spend a weekend drinking with mates. lots more similar stories like this.

Honestly unless your DH changes I wouldn’t contemplate another child.

My DB basically lives like a single man and his wife puts up with it to save the marriage. I feel sorry for the kids.

My DH was like this as well, he absolutely hated the relentless work my dc had and not having the freedom but as soon as dc started speaking and engaging more and actually adapting to our lifestyle with no naps, nappy changes etc he started enjoying it more and actually enjoys spending one on one time with dc who is nearly 5. I must admit, he was absolutely useless for the first 3 years and it really tested our marriage but now things are much better hence we are expecting no2 where he was more keen than me!

Loads of men feel like he does. Loads of women too for that matter. I was one of them. But bluntly, its too bad isn't it? You accept you made the decision to have a family, that some parts will be better than others, that the early years are tough, but they pass, you get your head down put a smile on it and push through.
Oh.. wait, that's women isn't it...? If you're a man you apparantly mope around moaning, spoiling any possible pleasure your partner may be extracting from the situation, pathologising your boredom and discontent to give it kudos as something to be pandered to, until your wife shoulders your share of the burden and waves you off to do as you please all weekend. For your mental health. Obviously.
Don't have another child unless you're happy to do both his share and yours.

I think the baby and toddlers years are hard for both mum and dad.
But i it gets better when they get a bit older then tough when their teens but better than baby and toddlers.
Then before you no it there moving out.

How old is your DC specifically? I always knew my DH loved our DC whole heartedly but he definitely enjoyed it more from about 3 when we could do more and they could interact more. Also what helped was actually having time that was just them as otherwise my DC always wanted me which he found hard so the time just them built the relationship and he got more rewards from it.

Many men and women feel like this, but it's generally only men who have an "opt out" unless you want social services to become involved.

Exactly this. Love how some men can’t bond unless child speaks or talks, how ridiculous! Imagine women behaved like this- poor babies!

FWIW didn’t make a difference to my DB, who still complains non stop about parenting and how he can’t go out anymore and live his single lifestyle (even though he pretty much does). Would you find it acceptable if a mum has a to leave family gatherings on Sunday afternoon because she is too hangover?

my exH was/is pretty useless as a father and co parent. “Big” job (ironically mine is now bigger) that he used as an excuse, never got up in the night to babies, very tit for tat, treated all parenting as a chore to be bartered as opposed to investing in a relationship with people you love.

He was horrendous after DC1 (abusive) and I
pushed on and had DC2 although with a 3.5year gap basically because having another baby with him made my blood run cold. I was determined DC1 wouldn’t be an only child bc I was married to a selfish git.

I ended the marriage when DC2 was 4.5. If we had never had her our marriage might have survived, (i.e. I could handle being married to a completely self centred arsehole with just 1 child, with 2 it became untenable.)

Would FAR rather have both my DC and no exH, than still have exH and no DD.