Do narcs/abusers know what they are doing?

[Wiped0ut]

Just that really. How can they be nice one minute and then turn into Mr Hide? My DH can hear me crying or be told I’m upset and then ramp up the torment. Then act as though everything is normal!

I’m planning my exit strategy but I’m curious about why do they do this? Why are they so mean? Can they really not see how much hurt and destructive pain to another person they cause? How can they possibly think this is normal behaviour??

Can anyone give me an insight as to why??

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? It's got loads of information about this.

In my experience, I don't think abusers can admit to themselves that they're being unreasonable. I think they know deep down, but it would be too devastating to their sense of ego and entitlement to accept that they aren't a very nice person. So they blame you for making them behave badly.

I agree with @CeilingGranny but I think they enjoy making people unhappy, as well.

I keep meaning to buy this book. Thank you for your reply. The love bombing after an outburst and the pleasantries are so confusing afterwards.

I've asked repeatedly why he feels it’s ok to ignore my pleas for connection, to understand my depression, to not make me feel like a leper when I initiate sex. All to no avail, he never wants sex with me, always makes excuses. I’m overweight but no more than women my age.

I can’t understand why he thinks it’s ok as I’m not like this. I can be moody but I recognise it. My depression can make me seem like a martyr but that’s after years of neglect from him.

I also think they know but they feel they’re entitled to because they think they’re better/smarter/more deserving than you and therefore they can treat you only in the way that furthers their own aims or desires.

Thank you all, he seems to take huge pleasure in disorientating me with his personality changes.

When you say you're a bit moody, do you mean he reacts very badly to you having your own opinions and feelings when they're inconvenient to him?

You can get WDHT for free online. Just Google it and there should be a link to a PDF.

Why?
Because power and control. The more of that you have the more you can work everything to your advantage, for your comfort and your convenience!
Is it calculated or is it impulse?
A bit of both I guess 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh my goodness this comment…. Feelings that are inconvenient ….
please tell me more this is my story

You don't need to buy the Lundy Bancroft book, you can read it online as a pdf