21 year old needs love advice

[OneGreyDreamer]

Hi, not a mum but hope I’m still welcome here as I’d really appreciate some advice from mothers and just women older than me in general who can help me get a better perspective on this and give me advice.

Im 21 years old, in uni and I met a boy on a night out on Halloween. We’ve been seeing each other ever since. He told me at the start he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but then as we got closer I guess I assumed he changed his mind. Things have gotten intense since then (said I love you, met each others friends, spend pretty much every night together) but the other day we had a conversation and I found out that he still does not want a relationship with me. Part of me is telling me to run away because the only difference between what we’re doing now and a relationship is the fact he can still get with other girls if he wants to. The other part of me is telling me to stay and wait, because I do really love him and he makes me so happy and we get on so well. I can’t decide whether to keep going like we’re going, avoiding the fact it’s never going to turn into something (although he seems to be keeping me just warm enough to stay by always ending the conversation with “who knows though maybe in a few months…”) or to just end things now and be sad and lonely for a little but overall happier in the long run.

advice would be very much appreciated, never been in a relationship before so just don’t know what to do.

for my part i would run away
it will go either way,
he changes his mind
or you get hurt
and of course there may be an std in the equation

If sex is involved, he is just ( sorry ) not a nice word: using you
He has not changed his mind, just found a way that he can have a girl for warmth, sex and company and just to make you give it to him , mentioned relationship but then when tested, backs off. Not for you.

You’re in a “situationship” that suits him just fine. Sex on tap and all the trappings of a girlfriend but he’ll walk away as soon as his head is turned because “you’re not in a relationship”. And then will probably swing back into your bed a few months down the line. Rinse, repeat.

Many of us have dated this prick. He usually “doesn’t like condoms” either.

Walk away, you’ll meet someone else.

Sorry if that sounds cynical or overly blunt but you’ll be doing yourself a massive favour down the line.

He has told you he doesn’t want a relationship with you. If you stay around he will keep shagging you while you pine after him, miss other opportunities in life, mess up your mental heath and then he will meet someone who be wants to be in a relationship with.

Block him, move on, work on your self esteem and live your best life.

He’s using you. You can continue for a few months but honestly he’s just going to keep leading you on. I’m also going to predict that if you either start seeing someone while you’re seeing him, because you’re not in a relationship, or break it off and start seeing someone he’s going to come back and tell you he loves you, can’t live without you. Until you go back and then he’s going to say it’s rushing, he’s not sure, he might even cheat. Been there, don’t that, got the T-shirt.

If someone wants to really be with you, they will. They won’t lead you on. You’ll know you are a priority in their life and not just convenient for sex. You’ve been together for 3 and a half months, plenty of time for him to know if he wants to be in a relationship but also not enough time for you to sink even more time into this dead end relationship.

At 21, my advice for you would be, if someone can't see your value then they are not the one. However much you like them. So walk away.
And keep that mantra in mind moving forward. The guy you're meant to be with won't have doubts about a relationship with you, they will want you entirely.

Invest in your self respect and walk away. An important life lesson at 21. He isn’t worthy of you. Make sure your self esteem is always higher than someone else’s self importance.

@Humanswarm has nailed it. It’s fair enough that at the outset he wasn’t sure that he wanted a committed relationship - no-one can truly know at the outset whether this new person is the one for them (they can think they know but that’s a different thing). But you’ve been seeing each other for 3 months now and that’s easily long enough to know.

He’s terribly selfish. As PP have said, he wants all the benefits of a loving girlfriend without the commitment. You’re not asking for marriage - you are just asking that, while you and he are together, you are committed to each other.

In one breath, he is telling you that he will walk away as soon as someone else piques his interest and that, deep down, he doesn’t really value what you have but he’s keeping you dangling by suggesting that could change at some point in the future. It’s not good enough.

Your instinct to walk away - that’s the right one. Let him see you value yourself enough that you expect to be valued.

Two yeses and one no. You don't both want to be in a relationship so there is no relationship. If you don't mind being a friend with benefits carry on, if you want to be in a true relationship move on. It's been an experience and you can learn from it, but really seems time to move on.

Also bear in mind that many relationships started at uni are limited to the time at uni, people go in different directions when they leave. That may also be what he is thinking.

He's getting what he wants out of the relationship, but you're not, so best to end it.

He's been clear with you that he's not interested in monogamy right now, and it sounds like that's a deal breaker for you. So you need to "break the deal" and go find someone who wants what you want.

Run

You're Miss (Convenient) Right Now, and you always will be. He is not going to decide that actually, he does love you and wants to be with you properly. Not ever. He'll just keep using you when it's convenient for him and ignore you when it isn't. And as long as you let him keep jerking you around like that, you won't be able to move on, and you'll feel smaller and smaller and sadder and sadder

Walk away.

He is just not that into you. If he was he would be exclusive. If you stay he will eventually leave for someone he likes more. Sorry to be harsh but it’s the truth. Take back your self respect and fine someone who does value you.

Sadly I think the advice here is very correct. Go and find someone who deserves you and will be proud to have you as their girlfriend. He sounds horrible to me.

You are 21.
Remember that.

If you like him, then fine keep seeing him but make sure the relationship 'rules' are equal.

Don't let you friends fall by the wayside.
Concentrate most of your energy on study and think about your after uni work and career.

Don't turn down any opportunities because of him.

Practise safe sex. Tel him if he intends on others then he has to wear a condom. No man is worth more than your health. No negotiable.

You don't have to have a defined relationship right now forever but if you like him then keep him around just don't forget yourself.

And if the relationship really isn't what you want or can handle walk away.

Don't lose yourself for anyone.

Ah...a trap most of us stumbled into.

If they say they don't want a relationship or any variant there of (eg: "I'm not sure what I want right now") it always means - "I don't want a relationship, with you, ever'. Always.

And if they then go on to be all intense ect... they are a big time head fucker.

Rule of thumb - 'intense isn't good news'. Nor are 'whirlwinds'. They usually mean you're dating a love bomber. And most people who do that are abusers. Some exceptions during youth perhaps due to inexperience...but I probably wouldn't make that for him.

Always look to see if actions match words. If they don't, then run.

But yeah, 'I don't want a relationship' is ways a big neon flashing red light. Walk away. Unless you just want a bit of fun. But in my experience they don't want YOU to have fun.

If they're trying to make you catch feelings after they've already told you they don't want a relationship- they are mindfuckers. Headwreckers. Very bad news.

We often make the mistake of thinking 'they obviously want me to like them so they must like me'. No. No it doesn't work that way. They just want to be put on a pedestal.

Amd they'll use 'but I TOLD you I never wanted a relationship' the second they see someone else they like/decide you like them a lot and they've got all the admiration they needed from you (or sex) for their ego stroke. They may even move into abuse then in order to get their kicks (eg: a cycle of love bombing- then devaluing you - then discarding you).

They'll maybe even act all smitten but the second you ask for clarification they make out YOU were thr full on one and are smothering them. It's a trick and a trap.

I would run fast love.
Don't worry, it's a mistake many make. Often more than once. You've done nothing wrong or stupid. But,now you know.

Also, find your anger!

He told you he didn't want a relationship with you....but then hung around anyway, love bombing you and acting like he'd changed his mind. Even saying 'I love you'. All the while knowing it was bullshit. That's really fucked up.

It's arguably cheeky to hang around after saying you don't want a relationship with somebody. BUT if the other person says they just want fun too then fair enough. But at no point is it then OK to start acting smitten with them. To start acting like it IS a relationship. At least, not without having a talk about changing it into one.

If you're in a just for fun thing and the L word is suddenly being banded about...or rules of meeting family ect... you need to ask them what's going on! Because by their own words, they didn't want a relationship.

Watch them either stutter and backtrack and tell you they don't and they didn't mean 'I love you "like that" ' or that meeting their family 'isn't a big deal'. Then you'll know they're playing games. Trying to get you to really like them. When they don't actually want you as anything more than an option.

Or on a very rare blue moon, they may tell you that actually they do want a relationship. But even then I'd take it with a pinch of salt because no decent man tells you they don't want a relationship but then acts like they do and needs to be PROMPTED to change that many months later in such sitiations. Men who want to be boyfriends tell you where you stand. They tell you what you are to them. You don't have to drag it out of them. Certainly not under the above circumstances.

Mate, know your worth.