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Original poster

Disappointing half term and husband's mental health

22 replies

Toomuchcaketime · 17/02/2024 08:06

My husband appears to be depressed. It's his own fault as he took on a role at work which he dropped three years ago as it was making him ill. He has taken the role back on as a favour for 9 months, something I told him not to do. We have no intimate relationship currently, he's always distracted and he just seems to eat all the time. He's stopped running and just sits around with no energy when he's not working.

He has taken half term off with the children this week and he has done nothing with them. They have been at home all week whilst I have worked. He says he has felt unwell all week with low energy and aches and pains which I believe. Now it's the weekend they are both asking to do something having heard from friends all the nice things they have done this week. My husband however has asked for a break for the weekend after having the children all week. So it looks like I am going to take them out places without him. He has vacuumed the house this week, but no other jobs have been done in the house and there is no food in either. So I now need to sort that out too. I however can't complain too much as I have time off next week as I'm a teacher and unfortunately have a different half term to the children so the jobs can wait but I'll need to sort out the food shopping.

He has admitted he's probably depressed and refuses to see a doctor or go for counselling. I've told him to drop this extra job but he tells he plans on carrying on for another 5 months.

I can't help feeling a bit disappointed that he had this time with the children and hasn't made the most of it. I know he can't help being ill but I think it's a big side effect of his mood, caused by the job role he refuses to drop and a refusal to seek any help for his mental health. To make it worse, he has access to a mental health practitioner at work and when he was emailed by them (all staff are monthly) to see if he needed to see her, he said he was fine.

AIBU to feel a bit frustrated?

OP posts:
Wittyname10 · 17/02/2024 08:45

Presumably this extra work comes with a decent kick in salary? Otherwise it would seem like the job is just too much and for his own sake he needs to go back to his previous job.

If he insists on pushing through he needs to work with the MH practitioner to find some coping strategies to help him deal with the mental load.

If you said to him “you need to help yourself a bit here, because we can’t go on like this for another 5 months” what would his response be?

HighQueenOfTheFarRealm · 17/02/2024 08:51

Could he at least get food for the weekend while you're out then you can sort out the week?
Or better still, take your dc away for the night if you can afford it.

He really does need to access some mental health help. The work one would be good to start off with. Can you insist he does? He can see the impact he has on his family so although it's not his fault he's in this situation, he needs to take some responsibility for getting help.

Whattodo2024 · 17/02/2024 09:10

It’s fine to be depressed but it’s not acceptable to not seek help and inflict it on your family

TheSlantedOwl · 17/02/2024 09:23

YANBU. He doesn’t care about you or the kids at the moment, does he? Maybe you need to make it clear that his behaviour is making life harder for everyone else he’s supposed to care about.

He needs to stop the extra job and/or seek help.

candycane222 · 17/02/2024 09:28

This is a wake up call. You need to tell him you can't go on as a family like this, it isn't fair on any of you.

Try to talk rationally through all the solutions (maybe take turns, with him suggesting as many as you) and hopefully one of the solutions that looks feasible and effective will be he sorts out his MH and then everyone is happier. He doesn't become not responsible for his family just because he is feeling peaky.

Darkenergy · 17/02/2024 09:36

I know you're frustrated but the line "he's depressed and it's his own fault" isn't a helpful starting point. Yes he could have done more over half term but the kids have been looked after and you've presumably been to work, one crap half term isn't the end of the world. If I were him I'd be pretty envious of your forthcoming work- and child-free week too and I'd be expecting you to pick up the childcare and housework over the weekend, I don't think that's unreasonable at all. Plus it's for 9 months, how much logger to go?

He does need to be encouraged to seek support but I think you're being UR in your response to him.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 17/02/2024 10:35

Why has he insisted on doing the job when he knows he can’t cope with it? Is a lot of pressure coming from work? It is really unfair to make life more stressful but refuse to do anything to safeguard his mental health, he needs to realise he must either contribute to family life or seekhelp.

It’s so disappointing for youOP but can you turn it into having an absolutely amazing time with DC (forget housework for now) and take themsomewhere really exciting that you will like too? Maybe go with friends? Also book in some treats for yourself next week so you are i n strong healthy place.

Mariposistaaa · 17/02/2024 10:45

I would personally be furious if he had had a work free and had subjected the children ti a week sat at home. He needs to get his act together, by whatever means.

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 10:46

Self diagnosed depression is an excuse to be a cunt ime..
With medication and support millions of people manage to parent dc and hold down relationships. . Others are just cunts.

baileys6904 · 17/02/2024 10:49

Love how acceptable it appears to be to say ' he's depressed but it's his own fault'.... Fucking hell. Is that like ' she's anorexic but it's her own fault' because she won't go shopping, or ' they've got cancer but it's their own fault for eating well done pizza'...

If this was a bloke posting about a woman, he'd get ripped to shreds.

Yes he could do more around the house or engage with mental health services, but like that's not the case with a lot of people struggling and part of the depression.

I think you're being extremely unfair, I'd imagine there's some back story, but if you want to keep trying in your relationship, perhaps blaming him for depression due to his work isn't the best course of action

Galeforcewindatmywindow · 17/02/2024 15:44

My exh had depression.. Prevented him from doing school runs, shopping or any household chores... It didn't however stop trips to get pub or gold club.
Ltb and never looked back...

frozendaisy · 17/02/2024 18:44

Depression ok.
Refusing to do absolutely nothing about it sitting in doing nothing with the kids and eating but not even getting it together to order a fucking online delivery. Far from fine.

I would hit the roof depression or no depression.

LindorDoubleChoc · 17/02/2024 18:56

Your poor kids! The problem is "he has admitted he's probably depressed and refuses to see a doctor or go for counselling". It's completely wrong to inflict the consequences of your depression on those who have to live with you day in day out.

BungleandGeorge · 17/02/2024 19:02

It’s not unreasonable to expect him to
wngage with treatment

minipie · 17/02/2024 19:09

It’s not his fault he has depression and aches and pains

It IS his fault he is refusing offers of help and not seeking treatment - especially when it is affecting his DC.

I’d be furious OP, not about the half term per se but about saying he is fine and refusing to seek help. If he is “fine” then he can get the food shop done and the kids out. If he’s not fine then seek help.

Newnamesameoldlurker · 17/02/2024 19:14

I always comment on depressed husband threads as I've been through this. I agree with pp that of course he can't help struggling with his mental health but it's absolutely unacceptable to refuse to seek help for it when it's affecting the family and DC. I expressed this to my DH who was reluctant to get treatment. I insisted, he got treated and everything is better now. Don't be afraid to put your foot down here. He's part of a family system.

Ilovelurchers · 17/02/2024 19:40

Those of you saying you would be "furious" sound borderline abusive to be honest!

You react with "fury* when your partner fulfils the basics of their responsibilities only, because they are suffering mental ill health?

This poor fella didn't fuck off and leave the kids with his mom, or a paid babysitter. He didn't spend his week off drinking or wanking to porn or gambling away the family finances. He vacuumed and he looked after the kids at home and kept them safe and fed by the sounds of it, (if a little bored.)

For a depressed person the effort to do that can be gargantuan. If he was my husband I"d give him a big cuddle.

Yes he should see a Dr - but it's fucking hard, especially the first time. I remember my ex husband sitting holding my hand in the waiting room when I first went to the GP about my depression, because if he hadn't I would have run off! He was already my ex husband by then, but saw I needed support. And he looked after our daughter entirely on his own for about three weeks, other than short periods of about an hour when I would just spend time quietly with her while she played, because that's all I was capable of. And stl he wasn't furious - he was sympathetic!

OP, you have a full week off coming up. Take the kids out for a couple of nice days over the weekend, and give your poor husband a rest and a chance to get ready for the working week ahead.

How old are your kids - could they help with the food shop maybe? And other house stuff that needs doing - could you and the kids do it together, recognising that dad is poorly and needs taking care of?

(Have to say this thread is really making me appreciate my ex husband!)

Pumpkinpie1 · 17/02/2024 22:05

I think you are being unfair OP.
Depression is a hard hole to climb out of and he needs compassion not insults.
It won’t hurt your kids to spend half term at home, learning how to be self reliant and entertain yourself is an important life skill.
You have a weeks holiday, shop on line , take your kids out if you want
Try and get your h to talk , listen don’t criticise or blame
He needs to feel safe at home not pressured

Original poster
Toomuchcaketime · 17/02/2024 22:48

Absolutely it's his fault for not getting the help he needs and his fault for accepting a job role he hates for the pittance it pays because he can't say no to his boss. That's the top and bottom line. He wants to be a people pleaser outside of the homw regardless of how it impacts us as a family inside the home. He fully admits it's not worth the rubbish money it pays, or the long hours but he "can't say no" as he put it to me. He could say no but he values his nice guy reputation more thab he values us. So yes, I'm definitely not happy about it. I told him what would happen if he took the role, begged him not to, but he did his own thing anyway to keep up appearances. Yet at home, he's not functioning. It's entirely his fault and I refuse to believe otherwise.

He owes us a duty of care to take care of himself so that he can be a functioning part of our family. We deserve better than the dregs. I am saying all of this as someone who has had severe PND in the past. I know my triggers and I avoid them, I have boundaries and I go to therapy. I'm even in therapy because his mood is affecting me and my mood. And he refuses therapy and refuses medical help. He needs to sort himself out.

The self doubt I had earlier has gone after seeing my therapist this afternoon, hence the more assertive response.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 17/02/2024 23:23

Wow OP …..!

Newestname002 · 17/02/2024 23:41

Toomuchcaketime · 17/02/2024 22:48

Absolutely it's his fault for not getting the help he needs and his fault for accepting a job role he hates for the pittance it pays because he can't say no to his boss. That's the top and bottom line. He wants to be a people pleaser outside of the homw regardless of how it impacts us as a family inside the home. He fully admits it's not worth the rubbish money it pays, or the long hours but he "can't say no" as he put it to me. He could say no but he values his nice guy reputation more thab he values us. So yes, I'm definitely not happy about it. I told him what would happen if he took the role, begged him not to, but he did his own thing anyway to keep up appearances. Yet at home, he's not functioning. It's entirely his fault and I refuse to believe otherwise.

He owes us a duty of care to take care of himself so that he can be a functioning part of our family. We deserve better than the dregs. I am saying all of this as someone who has had severe PND in the past. I know my triggers and I avoid them, I have boundaries and I go to therapy. I'm even in therapy because his mood is affecting me and my mood. And he refuses therapy and refuses medical help. He needs to sort himself out.

The self doubt I had earlier has gone after seeing my therapist this afternoon, hence the more assertive response.

Have you said all this to him as clearly as you've said it here? Hopefully, if you have, that he's actually heard you and will do something about it. Maybe plan for what your future will look like, however, if he doesn't step up and put his family first. 🌹

surprise4 · 18/02/2024 00:21

I'd be frustrated too op and probably close to furious - I say this as someone who has suffered depression amongst other mental health conditions.

When you've got children it's not good enough to just reject any help, it's really selfish of him.

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