Until quite recently I had a nice friendship circle as a woman in my early forties. I've never really had a friendship group before, even at school my friends were dotted about and I was a bit of a free spirit so friends just seemed to come and go. So I've been very grateful for the five friends I've had as an adult after meeting them at a social group four years ago. We've had some good times and even our children are now friends.
Then, I noticed a year ago that one lady in the group was being quite off-hand and rude with me- talking over me, sighing if I spoke, eye rolling, ignoring me from time to time. I ignored it, this then developed into her challenging me privately away from the group about the group itself about an agreement we'd had which she apparently disagreed with and failed to speak up about. She never challenged the other women at all- they were all surprised when I told them that she was unhappy. Until finally, she crossed a massive boundary for me around a month ago. The group were all present when this happened- she accused me of saying something I never said and twisted my words to create her own meaning. I was fed up of her behaviour at this point so I completely defended myself and brought her own negative behaviour to light. The group were clearly uncomfortable by the altercation.
She went a step too far for me and I can not be around her/do not want to have to communicate with her anymore. I've spoken with my husband about it and his viewpoint is that I ought to try and be civil and friendly with her for the sake of the friendship group, but I really find it hard to be false and also feel I have to now put up strong boundaries with this person. The thought of sitting around a table with her makes me feel very tense. Things just kept getting worse until she got the uncomfortable confrontation she clearly wanted with me. I think she will just continue to create uncomfortable situations should I continue seeing her.
I've had to distance from the group a little as a result, as I haven't wanted to be in her company. This has been a real shame and I feel quite upset about it. Two women in the group messaged me after the altercation to show their support and stated clearly their shock at her behaviour. They also shared that they too found her very difficult and that what happened was her fault. However, they seem to be all getting along fine and I've had no back-up outwardly from either of them, only privately. If anything, they seem to be meeting up when I am unavailable as if orchestrating my absence.
Is my husband right? Should I tolerate her to try and salvage this group of friends, or do I stick to my boundaries and unfortunately become distanced from the group? Do you think they probably want me out of the social group anyway given that the gatherings appear to be happening when I can't make them?